So much to catch up on...
I don't even know where to begin...
First... I sadly have to write that things between Orifiel and I are no more. I fought until I could not fight anymore. He had too many doubts in me. I tried so hard to be what he wanted. To be there for him even when he pushed me away. But he in the end filed for a divorce. It was so hard... He... no one... will ever have any idea just how hard it was.
And then, after it was all over, it was as if we tested each other. I don;t know what it was, but we just seemed to torment each other with the other's presence. I admit I still wanted him. Sexually he is... well... Yeah- wantable I can say...
But in the end he forced me to make a decision about something I never wanted to make a decision about. He knows I still love him. He knows I will ALWAYS love him. But... he didn't want me. He wouldn't have kept me so far away if he did. There was this other man. He was one of my new bodyguards. Wow... there was so much to him I had no idea about until later. I always wondered how he just seemed to KNOW things. But Dante was there for me. Not just as my bodyguard but as a friend. He never once did anything during the roughest part of my life excpet be there if I fell and needed to be lifted up. He let me dictate where everything was going.
In the end... I chose to allow myself a new life. I couldn't wait for Orifiel to stop playing his games. He was never going to give me the life I deserved. uess he will always remain the 18 year old in that body of his, forever trapped in the time of the way he was before the accident that took him from me. But I tell you... This wasn't easy... It was almost as if the closer I got to Dante, the more Orifiel seemed to come out. I was so tempted... I did things that.... I don't exactly regret, but I am not proud of either.
But Dante forgave me of the things I had doneand understood for the mot part which I am grateful for. During my birthday party he asked me to marry him and I agreed. Ori went with us to theCarribean's for our secret cermony as the public one will take place in the fall. So many terrible things had begun to happen we just thought it better to get it done now.... and for me, there was another reason behind it...
I had another reason to rush the wedding... See... I learned I am with child. I wanted to do this one right. I want my life to be right this time. Poor Serenity had to grow up wthout her father in her life. Sach, Oriel, Rayne... they all had their lives turned into chaos because of everything that went on between Ori, me and Orifiel... This time will be different. This time I will make sure things don't get messed up. I refuse to screw up this one's life... I screwed up all my other marriages though...
I am wondering when I will destroy this one too.
First Ori... Such a wonderful man. He is still my best friend and confidant. I can talk to him about so many things. Then Orifiel.... Okay, wait... I didn't screw that one up, but it isn't together either. This time though... it's different. So is carrying the child of a half demon... Dorian is on my case all the time about not drinking enough water... I swear this kid cases all the water I drink to evaporate or something.
I still haven't told Ori or Orifiel about this. They don't know I am expecting... Ori will be happy for me, I know this. But Orifiel....
I almost fear his reaction when he learns....
What do I want?
It is a question that is asked of me a lot. What do I want?
There was a time I thought I knew that answer. I spent every year up through year 9 watching Orifiel and his group. Doing everything I could to avoid them. I knew they were bad news. But... It never failed. There was the one who always caught my eye. But their rule about no outsiders. He could toy with everyone's heart, but he had to remain only wth another Chainer. And You would have to be blind to not see he had feelings... deep feelings for Sandy. Another Chainer. So I put up a front. Always played hard to get. It was safer to my heart that way. So I never let on what I felt. I think he enjoyed the chase of someone who seemed unattainable anyway at the time, I don't know. All I know was that I dreamed of him every night. He had charm, charisma, all the smooth moves needed. On top of that, he could be calm and quiet. He was sensitive and sincere. He was someone who could be both a passionate and wild lover and yet be the kind of guy who could be your best friend at the same time. I envied the Chainer girls because they got to see him all the time, both in and out of school.
Sure his drug habits were a little out of hand sometimes, but he was the typical teenage guy. He was also the one guy I truly wanted but could never have. I remember hating going to the same classes with him because of that fact. I would catch him looking over at me with that teasing smile and all I could bring myself to do was roll my eyes when what I really was hoping was that he meant it for me... I guess I figured those eyes were only meant for Sandy. But things were different in year 12. I changed. I was tired of wishing. SO I dared to do things I never dared to before hoping, thinking that maybe it would work. When we were chosen as Romeo and Juliet... I acted like I was disgusted, but I was jumping for joy. Finally a chance to spend some alone time with him...
But I have to ask myself now why? Why did I want him so much? Just because he was unattainable? No... that wasn't it. He was strong. People feared him as much a loved him. Because of the popularity we both held fellow students were surprised it took us so long to get together... The months we finally were able to be together... They were the happiest moments of my life. I was actually living for once. Feeling like I was alive. He brought out so muh n me. SO much I had no idea even was there. He made me who I was. Who I wanted and needed to be. He was so wild and carefree... That was why I waited until I was 8 months along before finally telling him I was expecting his child... And instead of turning me away, he pulled me closer. He was happy. He promised he would always be there for me... and to then watch him die in my arms, giving his life to protect mine and that of our child...
He truly was the man I wanted in my life. A lover, a friend, a protector. Someone who didn't fear jumping into harm's way to protect something he cared about. Someone willing to give it all for someone he loved.
After that accident... when I learned he was alive... I noticed the change. He was cold. Still wild and passion, but cold. I prayed his memories would return and he would once more be like the man I lost. Over the years... He was only half that man, but my love never faltered. I still wanted only him... but.. he didn't want me anymore. He barely knew who I was. It doesn't end the pain in my heart at knowing this. It stabs deeper. It hurts on such a large scale that I sometimes feel like the ain will never go away. I will always love him. But he filed for divorce. It is what would make him happy. So out of my love for him, I am allowing him the freedom to be happy.
It still doesn't make the pain of letting go any easier...
When it was all said anddone, I fled the office and he tracked me down. He took my hands and asked me if I would still be his friend. My heart wrenched, but I would rather be friends and still have him in my life that way than nothing at all. But when he kissed me...
I knew I was in danger of falling again. I knew I would surrender to him if I kept kissing him. I knew I would only be hurt again... I agreed to friendship and we said goodbye.
But now I am forced to ask myself what I want again.
What is it I am looking for in someone I want in my life...
Someone who is committed for one. Committed to me and me alone.
Someone who can accept not only me but my children as well.
Someone who can tolerate my career and the long tours I tend to go on.
Someone who is not the overly jealous type. SOme jealousy is okay, but moderated...
Strong,
Able to talk about anything and everything
Comforting
Not going to pressure me
SOmeone who has no problem taking control
SOmeone who can be a slow lover when required to be
Yet someone who can be wild and passionate
Brave
Willing to face any kind of danger to keep what he loves protected
Selfless not selfish
Patient
Tolerant
Honest- no secrets they lead to bad things
Honourable
Sincere
KNows that sex is not the only thing that brings 2 people together
So is willing to just hold me when needed.
SOmeone who knows how to have fun, get wild and crazy
Someone who is willing to be experimental
Not scared of PDAs
SOmeone who can and will serenade me from time to time...
A Romantic
Someone willing to do whatever it took to sweep me off my feet
SOmeone who can be like my Prince Charming out of a fairytale... Willing to make my dreams come true...
But really... Does such a man even exist? Or am I holding on to a dream? This list seems as if I am discribing a man that will never exist in this world or the next.
I don't know... It's like a part of me fears I will compare every guy I date now to Orifiel and if he isn't just like the first man I ever loved, then he won't be good enough... But this is wrong to think. If I constantly think that way, I... I will never give another a fair chance.
Orifiel seems to be moving on just fine... It's just me who is holding back. Is there someone out there who can break the hold Orifiel has on my heart? SOmeone even willing to try?...
I suppose I should end this soon... I am still left with questions... like does Orifiel ever think about us and what we had? Does he miss me at all? Will he ever regret the choice that was made...
My manager is calling. We lost 2 of my dancers so we are looking for 2 more to replace them. And Ori and Sanura want me to go to church with them... I don't know why... maybe they think they can cleanse me of the sins created while with Orifiel...
There is something else going on though... Whenever Ori is around there is this soft whispering in my head... telling me to do things I shouldn't do... I want to do rght by him.. he is a friend... a good friend... He is also married. I have no right to be even THINKING the things being forced into my head...
I need help... major help... I am so tired of being able to be controlled like a freaking puppet... Is there someone out there who can end this torture? SOmeone who can give me back some kind of a normal life? Is it really too much to ask? All I want is someone who will love me, protect me... and set me free from the darkness that holds me....
thoughtful...
They say every light needs a darkness to keep them equal and balanced... Sane...
I thought I had my darkness....
But...where has my darkness gone?
Why has he abandoned me?
Why has he fed me to the evil that can destroy me?
He said loved me....
And then he killed me....
