Of course...

Being home was going to bring past back some memories... But I never expected it to be quite this hard... but it isn't me who is taking the toll of it. My sweet Serena... she can sense her father in the town, but she is not able to see him. I cannot allow that. I want to... but I can't. It would do more emotional and mental damage than the poor thing can handle. 3 years old, there is little I can do really except protect her the best I can.

Bonnie and Will are trying to help, and for that I am grateful. Will really has been the only Chainer who has continued to acknowledge me after the accident. Either he is helping because of that fact, or he's just going along with it because Bonnie is his girlfriend and we are both friends... I want to think he's just doing it to be kind though. Still... it's hard.

I have been busy since we got home. I portrayed Christine in Phantom of the Opera and then I was the lead in Moulin Rouge... Not that I got to finish that performance... During intermission Bonnie and Will brought Orifiel backstage... would have been fine except he thought I really was a prostitute... -_- " I may have done a lot of things that were odd in my life, but I have never stooped to having men pay me for sex... I couldn't risk getting involved in something like that. Serena could be hurt in the process or something could happen to me so that I couldn't take care of her as I should. No... Took me almost all night to be able to say something to him.

We went out to the beach... once in the water, he and I got to know each other again... not in the sexual sense... though it was wanted... there in the water, we just let our hands roam and feel... explore. It felt odd and wonderful at the same time to be caught up in his arms again. I forgot how much I missed the feel... Not really forgot.. I always missed him... But to actually feel the warmth of him again... I swear I was flying... But when he was ready to return home... I knew where we would end up. As badly as I wanted him, I couldn't lie to him.

So I told him I wasn't what he thought I was. I wasn't a prostitute. Everything changed then. He wanted nothing more to do with me... He walked away. I expected he would and prepared myself... but the pain that seared my heart... I thought it would literally burn a hole in my chest. I dove under the water to wash away my tears before stepping out and away from all of them... his words continued to come back to me. He was seeing someone kind of off and on. Sandy...

Sandy... Ra that woman... I'm not so angry that he's been with her. Or that she was his first... I know who he wanted before the accident.. If the gods grant it, he will one day return... but for now, I wish he wouldn't settle for a woman who lies to him all the time and only uses him for the lay she knows she can get from him. I've seen her with Zack. I'm not stupid. I know they are together. I know Zack is the one she's always wanted to be with. I only wish she would be straight with Ori and let him know... let him go... for good.

I could cast a spell to do just that, but that's not the kind of thing Aurora has taught me. Rule one of spellcasting: Never mess with Free Will. I swore to Aurora that I never would. And I didn't...

After I left Orifiel, I went home. I tucked Serena into bed, but then she started asking me questions about her father. How do I tell her Orifiel is alive, but she can't be with him? Not because he doesn't want her- but because he doesn't remember that she was to be born... I took her to my room where she saw pictures of him and me. She even tried to wear his old Chainer jacket. It was cute really... But then her little face grew misty. She could sense the pain the memories caused me. She wanted to take it all away. We just fell asleep on my bed. When I woke, she was gone. I found her with Atem and knew she would be okay. I knew what I wanted to do.

I swore I wouldn't get into his head, but Ori and Orifiel deserved the truth. I cast a simple spell over Sandy and Ori and Orifiel. Sandy could speak, but her words would eventually betray her. Her lies will eventually run out and Ori will grow suspiscious of her. She can still lie if she chooses, but Ori and Orifiel were both given the sense to be able to see through her lies now. How long it takes is entirely up to them of course... and what they do afterward is also going ot be up to them...

As much as I would like to see it, I don't expect to see either Ori or Orifiel at my doorstep anytime soon... But if they do... here's my next dilema...

I love Orifiel. I never stopped. But to love him, I must learn to accept Ori. But in accepting him... to earn his trust... do I bring the attraction to him as well? Can both of them accept me? Do I have to love both and do both have to love me? Will Orifiel be able to be the father he should be? Can Ori accept that Orifiel is Serena's father and let him do what he needs to do... And ... what changes, if any, occured within them after the accident?

Can I really handle both men in one body?

I guess that is the main question in the end.. both men in one body- each with their own personalities and wants, needs, expectations...

I can't let myself become too wrapped up in them though... As much as I want to- I can't. I have to live for Serena. She is the most important part of my life right now. Regardless what man becomes a part of it, he must be able to accept her. If he can't... well... I'll deal with that when the time comes. For now I will support Serena and do right by her. Aurora and Atem opened a club while I was away. I'm tired of traveling. I've made more than enough to keep Serena and I at a decent life. We will be well taken care of. For something to do, Aurora has offered my band the opportunity to perform at the club on Saturday nights. I think I will talk to them and see what they think. It would be nice to remain in one place for a change. I can give Serena a stable life for once...

Or at least as stable as I can get it right now.

posted by Lady Aurora Phoenix @ 4:33 PM Comments: 0