4 years...

4 years have come and gone and I still can't believe how time flies. I still think back to how Orifiel and I left things that day I left his home to return to my own. Serena hardly spoke for 2 weeks after. She knew she couldn't call him Daddy. She had wanted to, but understood she couldn't. She still enjoyed teh time she was able to spend with him though. I think in that time, it helped her a little... Having to leave him behind though...

I can't put her through that again. There is no way to know for sure if he even likes me enough to keep us around in his life. he has never called. Sandy probably found the number and shredded it. Either that or he is worried about calling. We left under friendly pretenses. Ra.. I will never forget that last night. I gave him everything I could that night. I tried to pour all the emotions I had been hiding for so long into the kisses I gave him... the way I held him... and still... I fear it was all for naught. Sandy still has her claws into him. As long as she does- I don't stand a chance... That woman.. that.. harpie... She will never let him go... and he will never stand against her... not even for me...

She knows this.

Several times I have caught Serena trying to come up with excuses to go to the hospital. She succeeded one day at school... was playing on the junglegym and just let go... Sora had been there but not able to catch her fast enough as she hit the ground according to the teacher who was watching them... I was called from home and spent the next 4 hours at the hospital. Orifiel passed by a few times but I was too concerned with Serena to say anything... i don't even know if he knew we were there. I think I purposely try to ignore him when I see him at work... He has always been friendly and flirty, but because of the past, I just can't deal with it... I left a message at the schol that from now on they were to contact Dorian for any emergency. So then she started trying to run away...

Somehow, even after all this time she still remembers how to get to his home... then again, I suppose all we have to do is follow the beach far enough... He really isn't that far from us... I get worried about leaving her with anyone because of this. I am afraid I will come home and find her gone adn have no idea where she went...

Except I know where she goes...

I found her curled up in a chair on his porch once. She was waiting for him to come home from work... A look around said he hadn't been there in a few days... i am guessing he had time he was spending with Sandy.. or another date of choice...
How do I tell my little girl she can't keep doing this? Short of erasing her memory of him... which Dorian has offered to do... I have no clue...

Do I dare erase the only memories of her father that she has? If only to protect her? I was looking into a private bording school... but that almost seems even more cruel- to take heraway form the town her father lives and then make her feel as thought her own mother nolonger wants her. I couldn't be that cruel... I just couldn't... So perhaps... Perhaps erasing her memories is my only choice... Only to keep her safe... I will take this week to think it through and decide...

For now, Sapphira has been good at keeping an eye on her while I work extra hard. I have been at the club almost every night for the past 3 years. Anything to try to keep my mind off him. Friday and Saturday nights I sing. The other nights I bartend and waitress. The only night I don't work is the only night they are closed-Sunday nights. I spend that entire day with Serena. The money is good, thoughI know I don't need it- I set it aside to pay for Serena's college. She has shown a gift in art and has expressed an interest in art as a possible career. I will support her if this is her wish and set her up well. I am concentrating solely on her.

I have to. I look around at the club. I never see him stop by. He was never a club kind of guy anyway... well- unless you count strip clubs I'm sure... Still.. a small part of me hoped he would stop by and say hi at least... that's the side that is too hopeful though... The side of me that should probably be erased as well... But I will never rid myself of the memories- no matter how painful... they are what I have. And I have Serena. She and my memories are all I have of him... They will be all I keep...

Suriel- one of the other bartenders is giving me a ride into work tonight. My car is in the shop... He's seems nice enough... and in a way kind of reminds me or Orifiel... but he isn't the same... I guess I have become too picky... I only want the one I have been with...

Orifiel does not know it... but since him... there has never been another. Not after the accident... not after I moved to France... and not since I have been home... He really was the last one to have me...

And a part of me believes that he will forever remain the last one to have me...

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As for sidelines....

Orifiel and I have finally gotten married... though there was a hesitation. I almost thought he would not be able to tell me the truth about the baby I had learned about. I am still not entirely happy with this change... especially because somehow it is both his and Gabriel's which comepletely has my head twisted in trying to figure out how... but the child is partly his...

I am still confused as to why I will allow him to still meet with other men now that we are married when I have sworn off everyone and anyone else... Marriages aren't supposed to be like that... they are to connect 2 people and 2 people alone... but for some reason... *sighs* For some reason he cannot vow to take only me. it bothers me that I cannot be the only one to please him. That he must turn to another man... It does make me question myself... my sexuality... my talent (or possible lack thereof)...

Why does love have to be so complicated?
Adam, Kaida, and Sapphira,
Zahara, Blake, and Gabriel,
Ori, Orifiel, and myself
Malcolm and Gabriel,
Sanura and Gabriel...
Kalista... poor Kay- she gave her life- or had it taken from her in the name of love.. The one in her life snapped and broke her...In that broken state... she could not fight her killers. They still remain unknown.

I only hope that I can make this work... I have waited far too long... I can't let go now... If I do... I have nothing left to fall back on...
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Angel's Rules:

1. NEVER lie to Angel
2. Don't hide things from Angel.
3. Don't expect Angel to be loyal if you cannot be loyal to her.
4. If you are with Angel- and want a kid she cannot give you- be gentleman about it and TELL her before just running off and doing it... Give her the option to leave or stay....
5. Don't expect Angel to stay if you have betrayed her.
6. Treat Angel with the respect she deserves.
7. Don't try to control Angel- she is not a pet.
8. Do not try to cage Angel- she is not a bird.
9. Angel was born at night but not last night- NEVER treat her like she's nothing more than a dumb blond. She's a lot smarter than that- she knows a lot more than you think...
10. If Angel says to leave her alone- don't take it personal- she needs a little space and will be fine in about 10 minutes...
11. Family and friends are her world- hurt them and you deal with her- don't do it, it's not pretty....
12. Never tell Angel you love her, unless you really do love her.
13. Angel is herself- if you don't like it, too bad- don't try to change her if you want her to stick around.
14. If Angel asks you a question- don't dance around the truthful answer, it angers her and puts you in a very dangerous position- just tell her.
15. Never trick her into a room of snakes- she is deathly afraid of them and bad things will happen...
16. Know that if you try to hide anything from her, she will find out. If it is going to hurt her in any shape or form- Think twice... think 3 times... think again- and make sure you don't do it...
17. If you, in some wicked twist of fate, do hurt her... If you love her, I suggest begging...
18. If you betry her- don't expect her to trust you right away- give her time and SHOW her you can be trusted...
19. Remember- good, loyal woman are hard to find, if you have Angel- you have one; be thankful and never take her for granted...
20. Love isn't a game for her- if it's a game for you- leave her alone.
21. Don't toy with Angel's head. She's confused enough as it is.
22. Know the most important rules on this list are #'s 1,2,4,5, 12, 14,and 20.
23. Know Angel is not one to like competition when it comes to men. If she is with him- he's off limits.
24. Angel does not enjoy sharing the man in her life... If she's forced to- special rules apply... and you may not like them...
25. If you cheat on Angel- and then catch her cheating on you- Don't get angry- remember- you did it first. You're even- the saying is all is fair in love and war...
26. Remember that whatever you do to another- comes back to you times 3. Hurt Angel and one day your new woman/man will severely crush you, but be good to Angel and your life will be a dream.
27. Don't think that she is going to be okay with something you do just because you say so... It doesn't work that way...
28. Don't assume you know how she is feeling. ASK HER!
29. Know his: If she says she loves you- she means it- NEVER DOUBT HER!
30. Rules are subject to change at any given time... so check back often...

posted by Lady Aurora Phoenix @ 11:58 AM Comments: 0