The Light that Pierces the Darkness

So much to catch up on...

2007-07-29T13:30:00.000-07:00

I don't even know where to begin...

First... I sadly have to write that things between Orifiel and I are no more. I fought until I could not fight anymore. He had too many doubts in me. I tried so hard to be what he wanted. To be there for him even when he pushed me away. But he in the end filed for a divorce. It was so hard... He... no one... will ever have any idea just how hard it was.

And then, after it was all over, it was as if we tested each other. I don;t know what it was, but we just seemed to torment each other with the other's presence. I admit I still wanted him. Sexually he is... well... Yeah- wantable I can say...

But in the end he forced me to make a decision about something I never wanted to make a decision about. He knows I still love him. He knows I will ALWAYS love him. But... he didn't want me. He wouldn't have kept me so far away if he did. There was this other man. He was one of my new bodyguards. Wow... there was so much to him I had no idea about until later. I always wondered how he just seemed to KNOW things. But Dante was there for me. Not just as my bodyguard but as a friend. He never once did anything during the roughest part of my life excpet be there if I fell and needed to be lifted up. He let me dictate where everything was going.

In the end... I chose to allow myself a new life. I couldn't wait for Orifiel to stop playing his games. He was never going to give me the life I deserved. uess he will always remain the 18 year old in that body of his, forever trapped in the time of the way he was before the accident that took him from me. But I tell you... This wasn't easy... It was almost as if the closer I got to Dante, the more Orifiel seemed to come out. I was so tempted... I did things that.... I don't exactly regret, but I am not proud of either.

But Dante forgave me of the things I had doneand understood for the mot part which I am grateful for. During my birthday party he asked me to marry him and I agreed. Ori went with us to theCarribean's for our secret cermony as the public one will take place in the fall. So many terrible things had begun to happen we just thought it better to get it done now.... and for me, there was another reason behind it...

I had another reason to rush the wedding... See... I learned I am with child. I wanted to do this one right. I want my life to be right this time. Poor Serenity had to grow up wthout her father in her life. Sach, Oriel, Rayne... they all had their lives turned into chaos because of everything that went on between Ori, me and Orifiel... This time will be different. This time I will make sure things don't get messed up. I refuse to screw up this one's life... I screwed up all my other marriages though...

I am wondering when I will destroy this one too.

First Ori... Such a wonderful man. He is still my best friend and confidant. I can talk to him about so many things. Then Orifiel.... Okay, wait... I didn't screw that one up, but it isn't together either. This time though... it's different. So is carrying the child of a half demon... Dorian is on my case all the time about not drinking enough water... I swear this kid cases all the water I drink to evaporate or something.

I still haven't told Ori or Orifiel about this. They don't know I am expecting... Ori will be happy for me, I know this. But Orifiel....

I almost fear his reaction when he learns....

What do I want?

2007-03-30T12:19:00.000-07:00

It is a question that is asked of me a lot. What do I want?

There was a time I thought I knew that answer. I spent every year up through year 9 watching Orifiel and his group. Doing everything I could to avoid them. I knew they were bad news. But... It never failed. There was the one who always caught my eye. But their rule about no outsiders. He could toy with everyone's heart, but he had to remain only wth another Chainer. And You would have to be blind to not see he had feelings... deep feelings for Sandy. Another Chainer. So I put up a front. Always played hard to get. It was safer to my heart that way. So I never let on what I felt. I think he enjoyed the chase of someone who seemed unattainable anyway at the time, I don't know. All I know was that I dreamed of him every night. He had charm, charisma, all the smooth moves needed. On top of that, he could be calm and quiet. He was sensitive and sincere. He was someone who could be both a passionate and wild lover and yet be the kind of guy who could be your best friend at the same time. I envied the Chainer girls because they got to see him all the time, both in and out of school.

Sure his drug habits were a little out of hand sometimes, but he was the typical teenage guy. He was also the one guy I truly wanted but could never have. I remember hating going to the same classes with him because of that fact. I would catch him looking over at me with that teasing smile and all I could bring myself to do was roll my eyes when what I really was hoping was that he meant it for me... I guess I figured those eyes were only meant for Sandy. But things were different in year 12. I changed. I was tired of wishing. SO I dared to do things I never dared to before hoping, thinking that maybe it would work. When we were chosen as Romeo and Juliet... I acted like I was disgusted, but I was jumping for joy. Finally a chance to spend some alone time with him...

But I have to ask myself now why? Why did I want him so much? Just because he was unattainable? No... that wasn't it. He was strong. People feared him as much a loved him. Because of the popularity we both held fellow students were surprised it took us so long to get together... The months we finally were able to be together... They were the happiest moments of my life. I was actually living for once. Feeling like I was alive. He brought out so muh n me. SO much I had no idea even was there. He made me who I was. Who I wanted and needed to be. He was so wild and carefree... That was why I waited until I was 8 months along before finally telling him I was expecting his child... And instead of turning me away, he pulled me closer. He was happy. He promised he would always be there for me... and to then watch him die in my arms, giving his life to protect mine and that of our child...

He truly was the man I wanted in my life. A lover, a friend, a protector. Someone who didn't fear jumping into harm's way to protect something he cared about. Someone willing to give it all for someone he loved.

After that accident... when I learned he was alive... I noticed the change. He was cold. Still wild and passion, but cold. I prayed his memories would return and he would once more be like the man I lost. Over the years... He was only half that man, but my love never faltered. I still wanted only him... but.. he didn't want me anymore. He barely knew who I was. It doesn't end the pain in my heart at knowing this. It stabs deeper. It hurts on such a large scale that I sometimes feel like the ain will never go away. I will always love him. But he filed for divorce. It is what would make him happy. So out of my love for him, I am allowing him the freedom to be happy.

It still doesn't make the pain of letting go any easier...

When it was all said anddone, I fled the office and he tracked me down. He took my hands and asked me if I would still be his friend. My heart wrenched, but I would rather be friends and still have him in my life that way than nothing at all. But when he kissed me...

I knew I was in danger of falling again. I knew I would surrender to him if I kept kissing him. I knew I would only be hurt again... I agreed to friendship and we said goodbye.

But now I am forced to ask myself what I want again.

What is it I am looking for in someone I want in my life...

Someone who is committed for one. Committed to me and me alone.
Someone who can accept not only me but my children as well.
Someone who can tolerate my career and the long tours I tend to go on.
Someone who is not the overly jealous type. SOme jealousy is okay, but moderated...
Strong,
Able to talk about anything and everything
Comforting
Not going to pressure me
SOmeone who has no problem taking control
SOmeone who can be a slow lover when required to be
Yet someone who can be wild and passionate
Brave
Willing to face any kind of danger to keep what he loves protected
Selfless not selfish
Patient
Tolerant
Honest- no secrets they lead to bad things
Honourable
Sincere
KNows that sex is not the only thing that brings 2 people together
So is willing to just hold me when needed.
SOmeone who knows how to have fun, get wild and crazy
Someone who is willing to be experimental
Not scared of PDAs
SOmeone who can and will serenade me from time to time...
A Romantic
Someone willing to do whatever it took to sweep me off my feet
SOmeone who can be like my Prince Charming out of a fairytale... Willing to make my dreams come true...

But really... Does such a man even exist? Or am I holding on to a dream? This list seems as if I am discribing a man that will never exist in this world or the next.

I don't know... It's like a part of me fears I will compare every guy I date now to Orifiel and if he isn't just like the first man I ever loved, then he won't be good enough... But this is wrong to think. If I constantly think that way, I... I will never give another a fair chance.

Orifiel seems to be moving on just fine... It's just me who is holding back. Is there someone out there who can break the hold Orifiel has on my heart? SOmeone even willing to try?...

I suppose I should end this soon... I am still left with questions... like does Orifiel ever think about us and what we had? Does he miss me at all? Will he ever regret the choice that was made...

My manager is calling. We lost 2 of my dancers so we are looking for 2 more to replace them. And Ori and Sanura want me to go to church with them... I don't know why... maybe they think they can cleanse me of the sins created while with Orifiel...

There is something else going on though... Whenever Ori is around there is this soft whispering in my head... telling me to do things I shouldn't do... I want to do rght by him.. he is a friend... a good friend... He is also married. I have no right to be even THINKING the things being forced into my head...

I need help... major help... I am so tired of being able to be controlled like a freaking puppet... Is there someone out there who can end this torture? SOmeone who can give me back some kind of a normal life? Is it really too much to ask? All I want is someone who will love me, protect me... and set me free from the darkness that holds me....

thoughtful...

2007-03-20T17:19:00.000-07:00

They say every light needs a darkness to keep them equal and balanced... Sane...

I thought I had my darkness....

But...where has my darkness gone?

Why has he abandoned me?

Why has he fed me to the evil that can destroy me?

He said loved me....

And then he killed me....

scared and alone...

2007-03-16T21:36:00.000-07:00

I am writing this more mentally than physically. I am a prisoner in that dark palace at the moment. A lot has been happening. A lot I cannot make sense out of.

Orifiel has been so distant. All I want is for us to be happy, to do things together, and he is always so caught up in himself. His appearance, his look, his company. Now he has a job that takes him away more often too. I finally tried to come up with little surprises for him. Something to help him relax and yet be pleased at the same time. Several times in the week I would light candles and set up the music and slip into a sexy little outfit I have been wanting to surprise him with for a long time.

And every single night, he would not come home and I would cry myself to sleep. He says he loves me, but actions speak louder than words. I have heard the rumors. He appears places alone so often, they think we have separated. But that isn't true. I love him with all of me. But to be constantly held under Chainer rule.... I can't just seek him out all the time. Or does he want me to?

But now it gets worse. SOmeone's turned him against me. They used me to get to him and now he runs fom me. I no longer see love in his eyes when he looks at me. I see complete terror and fear. And it kills me. All I want to do is hold him, try to make him see that it wasn't me, that I would never hurt him. He should already know that I would never hurt him. He should think better of me.

Ori asked me what I saw in Orifiel. I still see him the way he used to be. The tender side of him that held me close and swore that I was his only one. He hadly spent any time with the other Chainers when he was like that and I never once doubted his love for me. But now I am constantly wondering. With him gone all the time and him wanting the touch of a man as well as a woman. He got the vasectomy to prove to me he loved me. I didn't need that kind of proof. I always KNEW he loved me. And I still trusted him. But he was also around more then. Since he's had it, he is always gone. There was Zack and then I saw him getting close to Sandy... Though Ori kind of explained that one... I think I seriously misjudged her...

Orifiel... I love you... don't fear me... come home... come back for me... I want you.. I need you... I want us to just go away from everyone and everything. Just us... Maybe a cruise or something to get away for a little while...

Orifiel, I don't care about the past. I want to know that you are safe. That you are okay. You were so hurt... I don't want to let go... Please don't let go...

Orifiel, my love, my heart... you are my soul, my world... Don't go away, don't leave us... Don't let go.... please don't let go...

I am nothing without you....

State of confusion... yet resolution

2007-02-22T17:49:00.000-08:00

(RP)
*****

______________

(side)

I really have no idea what to think. I feel like I am seriously being played. I wonder if Orifiel is too much Chainer for me. I am certain there are no other women, but I wonder how many men are sharing a bed with him. I mean... what married couple takes on 2 homes? To live separately in? He is with me most of the time, but he does still use this other house. He is distant almost all the time. Gone almost all the time. When he and I spend any time together at all I can smell the strangest scents on him. I know I am not his only one. I pray that I can trust I am his only woman... But he... he can be so self-snetered sometimes.

He said the vasectomy would slow him down. But he seems to have gotten worse. I ... I am feeling a bit neglected... Like his men are more important than me. I always knew his needs stemmed beyond me reach. I never had a problem with him before either. But... Back then he made me feel special. Wanted... loved... Sexual... Yes, I dont even feel attractive anymore. I just want to feel desired.

Valentines Day... Normally my favorite day and I spent almost the entire day alone. I am married and I spent the most romantic day in the year alone... The only think I could think was that Zack came first... and I don't mean that in the perverted Chainer mindset...I just mean that... I don't know. I want to be so much for him but I just don't think it's possible. There will always be some woman hanging on him, some guy checking him out, or some guy he's checking out. I want to trust him but because he no longer seems to desire me... it's hard...

And yet... then he does the strangest things...

After being hit on and kissed by a girl who was supposed to be a friend, I kicked her out. I got a call from Ashely inviting me to a party with the rest of the Chainers. ....Since when? Anyway, I went... and regretted it...I remembered why I couldn't stand the girls in the gang. Ashely was the only one who would talk to me....

Well... not the only one... There was a guy there. Sam's brother, Wolf. Cute, suave... confusing... but tempting. That was what worried me. But I knew my place. I was Orifiel's girl....

Even if he did spend most the night with Sandy... -.-

So I guess when he disappeared and Wolf invited me to ride with him to the movies, I accepted... At least he paid attention to me... I can't complain completely though. He dropped me off at Orifiel's place afer the movie. Ashley warned me he was worse than Orifiel, but he was actually a gentleman.... I was surprised. And when Orifiel opened the door.... he stole my breath away. He looked so good in that robe. He had this decadent chocolate dessert for me and was sweet.

The real surprise was out back. He had the bed moved and covered with white rose petals, my favorite flower. It was... breathtaking, beautiful.... It was as if he got into my head and stole the scene right out of my head. We slept under the stars that night. After I thanked him generously that is *smirk*

Now things seem back to normal. Flirty and fun. The fire is back... and that's not all. I felt it... something new...

He has a heart.

I wonder what this means now? All I know is that as long as I feel as though I am desired, I don't care who he screws... just so long as he comes back to me and loves me like he used to. With them, it's just sex... for me its love... not always do sex and love have to be connected... Just as long as he loves me... wants me somewhere under all that he is... As long as I am somewhere in that heart of his...

I will forever remain, Mrs. Orifiel Brooks...

Sacrifce...

2007-01-16T10:34:00.000-08:00

(RP)

*in heavenly bliss for teh time being* XD

______________________________

(side)

Well.. I learned what he gave up...

He had a vasectomy done. He made it so that he would lose some of his .. male drive so that he was more likely to remain faithful to me. I coudn't believe it, I never would have asked it of him, but he did it anyway. I love him so much...

I felt horrible when Xavier was brought to him though... He had died from what we were told. Something dealing with the connection he had to RIJ. Orifiel was slow moving but he got a syringe with Riza's blood and began injecting it into Xavier.

After a while, he started to move again.

Seems there could be a problem with Celeste and Sandy though... then again... there's always A problem when Sandy is concerned... so I am not surprised...
I don't like that she lives within this house now... I hate it... especially after the stunts she has pulled in the past to bring Orifiel back to her... I don't trust her... She's always been a rich, stuck up snob out only for herself... until she proves otherwise, I believe she's that way still.

Maybe deep down she's not so bad... she just has a habit of showing her worst side...

As long as she keeps away from Orifiel.. We will be good, what she does after that- is up to her. I trust Orifiel. I don't trust her.

Fun fun fun! ^_^/ plea to darkness...

2007-01-09T06:45:00.000-08:00

Yes! Orifiel and finally made it through the ceremony in one piece lol. I was concerned at first, he seemed a bit disoriented, but after the ceremony was done things seemed just fine. I tossed the bouquet and one of Aurora's friends caught it. Then Orifiel went to retrieve the guarter frm my leg...

Ra...

He surprised me lol. But I didn't mind so much at all. I really enjoyed it actually which kind of surprised me.

Though afterward... was not so fun... Sandy was there and she managed to take Orifiel away for a little while. I trusted him. I thought I could anyway...
When Rowen came to me later talling me he caught Orifiel with Sandy... doing something they shouldn't have... I didn't want to believe it. He took me to Orifiel... He didn't exactly deny it, though he didn't really admit it either. He told me Sandy would never be back though so I decided to give him another chance.

He seemed hesitant in the bedroom following though. Well.. until he came out of the bathroom anyway lol. Heaven... is definitely a place on Earth when I am caught up in the things Orifiel can do ~_^

____________________________

(Side)

Orifiel certainly keeps himself busy lol. Its good he has something he can do. I am curious I admit, but I trust him. He hasn't done anything yet for me NOT to trust him. Besides I kove him so much, I feel like I am only half of myself when h is not around.

Which is why I am confused.

I happened to pass by Dorian's laptop earlier today and he was reading Orifiel's blog I guess. Orifiel says someone has accused him of cheating.

I know I haven't.

In fact I told him I wouldn't mind "being with him" in the bedroom sense everyday, several times a day. I know he has a high sex drive, that doesn' matter to me at all. I have never accused him of cheating. But he says as a result he has given it up....

Given what up?

Is our marriage done because of another's thoughtless words? Is he not really going to be true to me anymore only because someone else said something they shouldn't?

Why is this happening? I have done nothing wrong... I have trusted him regardless. How can he just "give it up" ? ...

Please Orifiel, don't do this. Come back to us. I have trust in you, faith in you. I know you would not betray me... Don't let everyone else decide our fate. It does not matter what they think, only what I think. And I trust you. I want you. I love you.

That should be all that matters...

Wedding

2006-12-28T08:03:00.000-08:00

The day is here... and yet I have a terrible feeling something bad is going to happen. We have been waiting for Orifiel to get here. I keep pacing in my room waiting for them to say the time is here so I can walk down the aisle but...

Please Ra... God... whoever is listening... I just want to do this finally...

****************************

(side)

After being apart for a few days, Orifiel and I are back again. He was crushed though because he missed the day we were going to get married. He couldn't believe it. I think I have come up with a solution that works for us though. New Year's Eve- which happens to be the day before his birthday and 3 days away. He seemed better with that idea... *smirk* Much better actually lol.

Though I wonder about Xavier. RIJ says he went through a growth spurt. He looks good though... Even Serena thought so lol. She was conflicted in wishing he wasn't her half-brother lol. But she'll be alright. She and Orifiel seem to get along just fine too which I am very happy about.

But Xavier is quite... touchy feelly...He gave me a hug and suggested WE go out... granted he and I aren't related by blood... I am to be his step-mother. I can't be doing anything like what he was suggesting. One of Orifiel's last thoughts to me was that if I went out with Xavier I was not to make Orifiel jealous... well there's no worry there. I was able to get out of going and just spend my night with Orifiel. he will be my one choice every single time...

Orifiel is the only man for me and come new Years- that will be evident to everyone... ^_^

content...

2006-12-22T10:16:00.000-08:00

(side) Yes... I am very content... but confused...

I remember wandering in darkness. I remember people talking... but I could not intereact with them. I even thought I heard Sage's voice. It must have all been some kind of dream though...

I heard Serena tell me she was coming.. that she and her daddy were coming to get me...

But I thought Orifiel was dead?

Little by little I felt the darkness melting away... then suddenly it was gone... I heard his voice. He was calling for me.. By the time he reached me the darkness had lifted completely and I was able to move. He picked me up and took me home...

home...

Serena left us alone for a while and we were able to reconnect... I guess you can say. I found it a bit odd... It was familiar. Like it was before his car accident... The way he held me, touched me, said my name..

Could he have somehow remembered everything he had forgotten about us prior to the accident? I truly think my feelings have grown times 10. My Orifiel has returned to me... He has come back.

I finally feel complete.

Changes....

2006-12-20T13:11:00.000-08:00

Angel:
(RP) I can't wait! Everyting is ready, we are just waiting for Orifiel to get here now... Soon... real soon now my dream will come true. I will be Mrs. Orifiel Brooks...

(side)
I wander in my mind... the darkness is everywhere... Something is missing.. just out of reach. I wish I knew...
Orifiel... I tried so hard to keep you safe. No matter how angry I am, my love for you is too strong to let anything happen to you...

Is this death? Is this what it's like? I hear no angels. No harps.. see no clouds, or my parents... Yet there are no flames, no scorching heat... little demons running around... So this can't be Heaven or Hell... So where am I?

I hear voices.. they speak my name... but when I call out, no one responds... it's as if I am not here...

I'm scared... I don't want to be alone... especially in this place... Orifiel... Are you all right? I wish I knew... I love you... Maybe... maybe we will meet again in our dreams...

I don't want to be alone...

Don't let the Darkness have me... please... I just want to go home... be with the ones I love... and be held in the arms of my husband...

Someone please... pull me from this darkness... please...

*****************

Serena:

(side) Something called to me… I don’t understand why, but I had to go out for a walk… my mom has been missing as well as my father… but … but not for long…

I found my daddy… I found him in a way no daughter should ever find her daddy…In half and decapitated…

Something whispered to me… something deep within me whispered the way to bring him back… so I did… I love my daddy… I need him to be somewhere around in my life… My mother once told me he gave his life to save mine and hers. I felt it was my turn to return life to him. My blood... there is something about it. I cannot explain. I closed my eyes and could almost see doors in his mind that had been locked, suddenly opening. I saw him and my mom so happy at their Homecoming as King and Queen. I saw the fun they had. I saw the moment she told him about being pregnant with me. I saw the smile on his face. The light in his eyes. The happiness he felt. I heard him say he would always be there for us...

I saw the accident... I felt his pain... but instead of closing, that door of memories remained open... so I know he's seen them again. He saw memories of my mother choosing him over Ori and doing everything she could to be with him. He remembers what he once forgot... what he was missing...

I watched my mother use her Power to pull my Daddy out of Ori's body. The Power wanted to hurt him. But her love kept him safe. His last memory of her, was her releasing him from a prison he wanted to be free from. I know he can sense her pain as she tries to recover from the strain and stress of her struggle to keep him safe... Her light is weak right now. She fears him dead. To know he lives and loves her still could restore her strength...

Then again... that could be my dreams speaking... v.v

There are some doors in his mind that have been locked... I saw a woman burn up in smoke and flames. That memory is gone. Memories of the darkness that came after him are gone too... and the baby... the baby that was put to sleep... it too is a lost memory... All things that hurt him deeply... I wanted him only to remember what made him happy once... I wanted him to remember what had made him happy still... I was even able to find the memories of his wedding to my mother... the fun they had, the laughter... All he knows of her now is she kept him safe but was kidnapped... and is hurt...

All the healing I did... it took up a great deal of energy and I was exhausted, but I refused to give up. Still I was afraid that I had been unable to revive him even though I was able to put his body together. He didn’t move for a little while… but then he moaned… then held me... and he spoke to me mentally… He calls me his princess…

I have waited all my life for my daddy to be this way with me. To actually act like a father should...

Now if only we could find my mother and bring her home…

I can finally have my family in one place, at one time... and for once... be completely happy...

Proposal

2006-12-13T09:34:00.000-08:00

The day started off pretty normal. Ori and I went into a book store where I did some shopping- mostly for Adair and Dorian. I saw him looking at a book and I thought I would offer to get him that book for a Christmas present. He was a bit jumpy about it. Not sure why...

When we left I saw Lance Lasher (Seto Kaiba) - an old creep from school. He runs a rival club in town, but no where near as distinguished as Adair and Aurora's. He had just made an announcement of the grand opening and the TV crews were everywhere. He approached me and tried to get me to work for him instead of my guardians. He even went as low as to challenge my honour. But he did something I was beginning to think wouldn't happen.

He called Orifiel out.

I thought Ori had managed to get rid of him somehow. Ori doesn't seem to realize his other self is there. But when Lance said his name, Orifiel admitted it was he. Then he did something even more.

He defended my honour. Though it appeared he played it up a bit more when the cameras turned on us.

He said something curious though.

Lance said he didn't see Orifiel's name on me- though it is there thanks to a tatoo around my ankle- Anyway, Orifiel told him that even though he did not have his name on me, he had something in me...

It makes me really wonder about last night...

Could it be that Ori lost control and Orifiel was the one I was with? If I remembered more I would be able to know for certain, I am sure.

Either way- after the fight was over he did something more that I never expected...

He asked me to marry him.

Of course I said yes. I have been wanting to be married to him since High School. To be able to tell Serena that I am marrying her father would be such a wonderful thing. But even better is that he says the wedding will be Christmas Day. I will finally be Mrs. Orifiel Brooks.

This is most certainly going to be a Christmas I will never forget ^_^

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sidelines:

I caught a small joke about the possibility of Rose, Orifiel, and me joining Adam, Sappira, and Kiada.... that is certainly interesting... *smirks* At least Orifiel would finally get Adam lol

ookay...

2006-12-12T13:03:00.000-08:00

Well it seems neither of us remember really what happened that night...
I tried to just move on with the day though. I invited Ori to come Christmas shopping with me. I'd like to try to find a way to get him to open up. He seems so shy... Part of me wishes I could get a look at the thoughts in his head though... Sure,being a guy I can figure out pretty much what's there, but at least I would have a general idea what I could do to help him open up a bit more to me... Who knows... maybe this shopping trip will help?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sidelines:

Life with Orifiel will probably be much easier now. I remembered the Chainer way and gave it a lot of thought. I know that he is uneasy with how much light he sees in my soul. He needs a certain amount of darkness to keep him grounded. Who better than Rose? I know deep down he has aome kind of kindship or caring feelings for her. She and I came to an agreement that she would not try to sway him from me. Oddly, I can sense that I can trust her. And seeing the smile light up his face was the best gift he could give me right now. I love him so much I would do anything to keep him happy.
I guess he never knew just how far I would go to make him happy... I hope he sees now...

Oh ra...

2006-12-08T05:55:00.000-08:00

I so wish my head would stop hurting....

I think I had a bit too much to drink... Not that I intended it to be so...

Serena and I spent the day with Ori. And then after she went to bed he and I talked for a while... He told me he and Sandy broke up... he was really hurt over it, too. She did something to him... I felt so horrible... I really only wanted to just talk and be there for him... but something happened.. I don't exactly remember what...

Now I have a massive headache and I can't remember what happened the rest of the night... all I know is that I woke up beside Ori.... with very little clothing on....

It leaves me wondering just what happened? Did I...? Did we...?

What if we did? What happens from there?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sidelines:

I am glad most the confusion has ended.... Orifiel saved my life once more. He saved it by talking to Raven who apparently ordered the deaths of anyone who had been involved with RIJ... I didn't think anyone even knew... That was so long ago, and he and I never spoke of it to anyone...

Anyway- it's over and he and I can finally live our lives. I don't care where... just as long as I am with him. I will go with him anywhere.

unsure...

2006-11-29T07:26:00.000-08:00

The title says a lot really...

Since Sandy's father's murder, rumor around town is that she moved in with Ori for a while.. I can't help but hate her for that, but I know he always loved her. So I really tried to back away. I kept my distance... still.. I keep seeing the look in his eyes after I kissed him good bye that day... Such shock and confusion... and that sweet litle blushing thing Ori does...

Wait...

Is this really the same Ori that hated me in school? I don't recall him ever really being quite so bashful back then.... Still...

Dorian sent me to Ori's office to get Serena's records. I have been surprised, but no one ever asks about her last name anymore. Maybe they know and just aren't saying anything, I don't know... I guess I expcted Ori to say something at least... But thankfully he hasn't. I wouldn't know where to begin to explain.

I was about to leave when he invited me to join him on his lunch break. I don't know why, but I figured why not. So I went with him. He really doesn't say too much.. and I really had no idea what to say. I was afraid I would say something wrong and make him angry or something... I also noticed he doesn't eat... I tried to get him to... but it didn't work very well.

At one point he told me he had to do some thinking...

I wonder just what he is thinking.... Especially if Sandy really is staying with him. He really shouldn't be seen with me... *sighs*

And once again I have done what I shouldn't have and set myself up for a fall...

if only I knew what to think.... If only I knew what he thought...

My dreams have been empty.

I long for the dreams in which I shared the beach with either him or Orifiel again... Sometimes just for the company...

_______________________

Sidelines:

Orifiel has distanced himself from me...

I am left wondering what I've done wrong. I accepted Xavier and do what I can as a mother, but I feel like it isn't enough. Maybe he worries because RIJ isn't really around as he used to be. But Orifiel has to know that he isn't raising Xavier alone. Xavier seems to really like me. I don't mind taking him as if my own son. It's not so bad. What's hurtful is that Xavier is a bit more affectionate that Orifiel has been...

He's quieter than usual and it worries me... I thought we would finally be happy. I know I was...

Orifiel.. please talk to me... I miss the passion and fire you and I had... It's still there somewhere... I know it is... Please Orifiel.. don' give up before we've really had a chance to get started... I love you so much....

4 years...

2006-11-19T11:58:00.000-08:00

4 years have come and gone and I still can't believe how time flies. I still think back to how Orifiel and I left things that day I left his home to return to my own. Serena hardly spoke for 2 weeks after. She knew she couldn't call him Daddy. She had wanted to, but understood she couldn't. She still enjoyed teh time she was able to spend with him though. I think in that time, it helped her a little... Having to leave him behind though...

I can't put her through that again. There is no way to know for sure if he even likes me enough to keep us around in his life. he has never called. Sandy probably found the number and shredded it. Either that or he is worried about calling. We left under friendly pretenses. Ra.. I will never forget that last night. I gave him everything I could that night. I tried to pour all the emotions I had been hiding for so long into the kisses I gave him... the way I held him... and still... I fear it was all for naught. Sandy still has her claws into him. As long as she does- I don't stand a chance... That woman.. that.. harpie... She will never let him go... and he will never stand against her... not even for me...

She knows this.

Several times I have caught Serena trying to come up with excuses to go to the hospital. She succeeded one day at school... was playing on the junglegym and just let go... Sora had been there but not able to catch her fast enough as she hit the ground according to the teacher who was watching them... I was called from home and spent the next 4 hours at the hospital. Orifiel passed by a few times but I was too concerned with Serena to say anything... i don't even know if he knew we were there. I think I purposely try to ignore him when I see him at work... He has always been friendly and flirty, but because of the past, I just can't deal with it... I left a message at the schol that from now on they were to contact Dorian for any emergency. So then she started trying to run away...

Somehow, even after all this time she still remembers how to get to his home... then again, I suppose all we have to do is follow the beach far enough... He really isn't that far from us... I get worried about leaving her with anyone because of this. I am afraid I will come home and find her gone adn have no idea where she went...

Except I know where she goes...

I found her curled up in a chair on his porch once. She was waiting for him to come home from work... A look around said he hadn't been there in a few days... i am guessing he had time he was spending with Sandy.. or another date of choice...
How do I tell my little girl she can't keep doing this? Short of erasing her memory of him... which Dorian has offered to do... I have no clue...

Do I dare erase the only memories of her father that she has? If only to protect her? I was looking into a private bording school... but that almost seems even more cruel- to take heraway form the town her father lives and then make her feel as thought her own mother nolonger wants her. I couldn't be that cruel... I just couldn't... So perhaps... Perhaps erasing her memories is my only choice... Only to keep her safe... I will take this week to think it through and decide...

For now, Sapphira has been good at keeping an eye on her while I work extra hard. I have been at the club almost every night for the past 3 years. Anything to try to keep my mind off him. Friday and Saturday nights I sing. The other nights I bartend and waitress. The only night I don't work is the only night they are closed-Sunday nights. I spend that entire day with Serena. The money is good, thoughI know I don't need it- I set it aside to pay for Serena's college. She has shown a gift in art and has expressed an interest in art as a possible career. I will support her if this is her wish and set her up well. I am concentrating solely on her.

I have to. I look around at the club. I never see him stop by. He was never a club kind of guy anyway... well- unless you count strip clubs I'm sure... Still.. a small part of me hoped he would stop by and say hi at least... that's the side that is too hopeful though... The side of me that should probably be erased as well... But I will never rid myself of the memories- no matter how painful... they are what I have. And I have Serena. She and my memories are all I have of him... They will be all I keep...

Suriel- one of the other bartenders is giving me a ride into work tonight. My car is in the shop... He's seems nice enough... and in a way kind of reminds me or Orifiel... but he isn't the same... I guess I have become too picky... I only want the one I have been with...

Orifiel does not know it... but since him... there has never been another. Not after the accident... not after I moved to France... and not since I have been home... He really was the last one to have me...

And a part of me believes that he will forever remain the last one to have me...

********************************************

As for sidelines....

Orifiel and I have finally gotten married... though there was a hesitation. I almost thought he would not be able to tell me the truth about the baby I had learned about. I am still not entirely happy with this change... especially because somehow it is both his and Gabriel's which comepletely has my head twisted in trying to figure out how... but the child is partly his...

I am still confused as to why I will allow him to still meet with other men now that we are married when I have sworn off everyone and anyone else... Marriages aren't supposed to be like that... they are to connect 2 people and 2 people alone... but for some reason... *sighs* For some reason he cannot vow to take only me. it bothers me that I cannot be the only one to please him. That he must turn to another man... It does make me question myself... my sexuality... my talent (or possible lack thereof)...

Why does love have to be so complicated?
Adam, Kaida, and Sapphira,
Zahara, Blake, and Gabriel,
Ori, Orifiel, and myself
Malcolm and Gabriel,
Sanura and Gabriel...
Kalista... poor Kay- she gave her life- or had it taken from her in the name of love.. The one in her life snapped and broke her...In that broken state... she could not fight her killers. They still remain unknown.

I only hope that I can make this work... I have waited far too long... I can't let go now... If I do... I have nothing left to fall back on...
******************************************
Angel's Rules:

1. NEVER lie to Angel
2. Don't hide things from Angel.
3. Don't expect Angel to be loyal if you cannot be loyal to her.
4. If you are with Angel- and want a kid she cannot give you- be gentleman about it and TELL her before just running off and doing it... Give her the option to leave or stay....
5. Don't expect Angel to stay if you have betrayed her.
6. Treat Angel with the respect she deserves.
7. Don't try to control Angel- she is not a pet.
8. Do not try to cage Angel- she is not a bird.
9. Angel was born at night but not last night- NEVER treat her like she's nothing more than a dumb blond. She's a lot smarter than that- she knows a lot more than you think...
10. If Angel says to leave her alone- don't take it personal- she needs a little space and will be fine in about 10 minutes...
11. Family and friends are her world- hurt them and you deal with her- don't do it, it's not pretty....
12. Never tell Angel you love her, unless you really do love her.
13. Angel is herself- if you don't like it, too bad- don't try to change her if you want her to stick around.
14. If Angel asks you a question- don't dance around the truthful answer, it angers her and puts you in a very dangerous position- just tell her.
15. Never trick her into a room of snakes- she is deathly afraid of them and bad things will happen...
16. Know that if you try to hide anything from her, she will find out. If it is going to hurt her in any shape or form- Think twice... think 3 times... think again- and make sure you don't do it...
17. If you, in some wicked twist of fate, do hurt her... If you love her, I suggest begging...
18. If you betry her- don't expect her to trust you right away- give her time and SHOW her you can be trusted...
19. Remember- good, loyal woman are hard to find, if you have Angel- you have one; be thankful and never take her for granted...
20. Love isn't a game for her- if it's a game for you- leave her alone.
21. Don't toy with Angel's head. She's confused enough as it is.
22. Know the most important rules on this list are #'s 1,2,4,5, 12, 14,and 20.
23. Know Angel is not one to like competition when it comes to men. If she is with him- he's off limits.
24. Angel does not enjoy sharing the man in her life... If she's forced to- special rules apply... and you may not like them...
25. If you cheat on Angel- and then catch her cheating on you- Don't get angry- remember- you did it first. You're even- the saying is all is fair in love and war...
26. Remember that whatever you do to another- comes back to you times 3. Hurt Angel and one day your new woman/man will severely crush you, but be good to Angel and your life will be a dream.
27. Don't think that she is going to be okay with something you do just because you say so... It doesn't work that way...
28. Don't assume you know how she is feeling. ASK HER!
29. Know his: If she says she loves you- she means it- NEVER DOUBT HER!
30. Rules are subject to change at any given time... so check back often...

Sideline thoughts...

2006-11-15T08:04:00.000-08:00

I am taking a break from the actual storyline to put down my thoughts on another set that I am involved with. See... I learned something today that I swore never to tell anyone... but I have to try to figure out what to make of it...

I went out with some friends for a bachlorette party they were throwing for me and we went to a bar that apparently RIJ and Orifiel own together. It was fun at first... but then things changed. RIJ was actually mad at Orifiel and me. So mad he punched us. I didn't understand at first, but knowing what I know now...

I knew he and Orifiel had been hanging out a lot more than they used to. I found it odd because RIJ has ALWAYS let it be known of his disgust toward Orifiel. He has always let it be known how much he hates him. I am guessing that old addage of hate turning to love is actually true... or it's something twisted...

I guess they had been sleeping together... that brings out RIJ's jealousy streak- he doesn't really care to share what's his... But odder still is that somehow... I still don't get it, but somehow Orifiel was able to create for them a child...

A child... I still can't get my head wrapped around it... I have no idea what to think of it, but I know I can't face Orifiel right now...

We are to be married...

Why would he do this?

Why would he do this to us?

I don't understand...I want to, but I can't.... I... I don't know what to do... If I just leave, he'll know something is wrong. But I just can't face him...

How long was he going to hide this from me? And what kind of marriage can actually last when it is started with so many secrets.... damaging secrets...

I need to get out of here... Away from this bar... away from bakura who has known this all along. Away from that Diana woman RIJ has taken to, Away from RIJ and away.... Away from Orifiel.... Just for a little while...

I will say this... Before we are married.... He is going to stop hiding so many secrets... If he does not quit hiding things from me... there won't be a marriage...

Angel's Rules:

1. NEVER lie to Angel
2. Don't hide things from Angel.
3. Don't expect Angel to be loyal if you cannot be loyal to her.
4. If you are with Angel- and want a kid she cannot give you- be gentleman about it and TELL her before just running off and doing it... Give her the option to leave or stay....
5. Don't expect Angel to stay if you have betrayed her.
6. Treat Angel with the respect she deserves.
7. Don't try to control Angel- she is not a pet.
8. Do not try to cage Angel- she is not a bird.
9. Angel was born at night but not last night- NEVER treat her like she's nothing more than a dumb blond. She's a lot smarter than that- she knows a lot more than you think...
10. If Angel says to leave her alone- don't take it personal- she needs a little space and will be fine in about 10 minutes...
11. Family and friends are her world- hurt them and you deal with her- don't do it, it's not pretty....
12. Never tell Angel you love her, unless you really do love her.
13. Angel is herself- if you don't like it, too bad- don't try to change her if you want her to stick around.
14. If Angel asks you a question- don't dance around the truthful answer, it angers her and puts you in a very dangerous position- just tell her.
15. Never trick her into a room of snakes- she is deathly afraid of them and bad things will happen...
16. Know that if you try to hide anything from her, she will find out. If it is going to hurt her in any shape or form- Think twice... think 3 times... think again- and make sure you don't do it...
17. If you, in some wicked twist of fate, do hurt her... If you love her, I suggest begging...
18. If you betry her- don't expect her to trust you right away- give her time and SHOW her you can be trusted...
19. Remember- good, loyal woman are hard to find, if you have Angel- you have one; be thankful and never take her for granted...
20. Love isn't a game for her- if it's a game for you- leave her alone.
21. Don't toy with Angel's head. She's confused enough as it is.
22. Know the most important rules on this list are #'s 1,2,4,5, 12, 14,and 20.
23. Know Angel is not one to like competition when it comes to men. If she is with him- he's off limits.
24. Angel does not enjoy sharing the man in her life... If she's forced to- special rules apply... and you may not like them...
25. If you cheat on Angel- and then catch her cheating on you- Don't get angry- remember- you did it first. You're even- the saying is all is fair in love and war...
26. Remember that whatever you do to another- comes back to you times 3. Hurt Angel and one day your new woman/man will severely crush you, but be good to Angel and your life will be a dream.
27. Don't think that she is going to be okay with something you do just because you say so... It doesn't work that way...
28. Don't assume you know how she is feeling. ASK HER!
29. Know his: If she says she loves you- she means it- NEVER DOUBT HER!
30. Rules are subject to change at any given time... so check back often...

headdesk

2006-11-09T22:35:00.000-08:00

I swear- just when i think I am going ot be able to move on with my life, something really weird twists it...

I decided to go outside with Serena and the others just for some fresh air. I thought that was going to be all anyway. I don't really know for sure what happened, but I felt the ground shake under my feet and I grabbed Serena and Soran as we were hurtled through the air. I barely remember hearing her cry out beofre I was overwhelmed with pain and lost consciousness. The next thing I knew I work up in the hospital and Ori was there...

Ori... I still don't know why he hates me so much. I've never done anything to him. He never liked me much before the accident either so at least he kept one thing consistant... Somehow in everything, Orifiel came out. Things got a bit wierd there.

He seemed nervous... Kind of reminded me of the boys who had a crush on me back in high school. He even somehow managed to get pulled very close to being on me on the hospital bed. I don't think I've ever seen Orifiel seem quite so flustered before. It was kind of cute.

What surprised me more was how nice he was to Serena. He really was good to her and she let herself get attached way too easily. It's not something I am used to seeing her do. She was being very playful though which got him a bit more confused. Not sure why really...

But then the time came to figure out what to do about a place for Serena and me to stay while repairs were made to the house. A nurse suggested us staying at Orifiel's place since we all "seem to know each other". He said he wasn't sure because of Sandy... but then said she was out of town anyway so a few days wouldn't hurt. I promised we would leave before she came back so he would not have any trouble.

He took a break and got us to his place where we put Serena to sleep in his bed. He said we could have his bed and he would stay on the couch. It was odd being in that house again after so long. I think I surprised him. After laying Serena down, I returned to the loungeroom and sat near him on the floor. He even asked me what I was doing on the floor. I actually felt more comfortable there for some odd reason.

It is when we went into the kitchen that things heated up... I hadn't intended them to... I know how he gets. Sandy is out of town and he tries so hard to remain faithful. I honestly didn't want to put him in a position that pushed that... So when he asked me what I wanted to drink I told him water. Something that would keep my mind clear and be neutral...

He had never heard that before so he asked me more. I explained that certain drinks can do certain things to people... He wanted to test that theory. I asked him if he was sure because I was concerned over teh consequences... especially when the drink of choice was wine. The drink of love...

At first everything was okay- we sat and talked... but then... he fell over and when I went to see if he was okay he told me he was overwhelmed by me. I was confused at first, but then ... Ra... I don't know how to explain it.. the passion it was searing... I swear.. it was never like this before... it was almost better then the past... So familiar and yet so ... so... Ra I can't even find a word to describe it.

But come moring I wonder how things will be... a one night stand? Or will it possibly have opened a door that was shut and allow a few memories to sneak out to him? Will I once more be rejected by him, or will he take me in and make me his in this week we have without Sandy around...? So many questions...I fear the morning... I almost don't want it to come- but alas.. the sun it is beginning to filter into the home even now... It is only a matter of time now...

Of course...

2006-10-27T16:33:00.000-07:00

Being home was going to bring past back some memories... But I never expected it to be quite this hard... but it isn't me who is taking the toll of it. My sweet Serena... she can sense her father in the town, but she is not able to see him. I cannot allow that. I want to... but I can't. It would do more emotional and mental damage than the poor thing can handle. 3 years old, there is little I can do really except protect her the best I can.

Bonnie and Will are trying to help, and for that I am grateful. Will really has been the only Chainer who has continued to acknowledge me after the accident. Either he is helping because of that fact, or he's just going along with it because Bonnie is his girlfriend and we are both friends... I want to think he's just doing it to be kind though. Still... it's hard.

I have been busy since we got home. I portrayed Christine in Phantom of the Opera and then I was the lead in Moulin Rouge... Not that I got to finish that performance... During intermission Bonnie and Will brought Orifiel backstage... would have been fine except he thought I really was a prostitute... -_- " I may have done a lot of things that were odd in my life, but I have never stooped to having men pay me for sex... I couldn't risk getting involved in something like that. Serena could be hurt in the process or something could happen to me so that I couldn't take care of her as I should. No... Took me almost all night to be able to say something to him.

We went out to the beach... once in the water, he and I got to know each other again... not in the sexual sense... though it was wanted... there in the water, we just let our hands roam and feel... explore. It felt odd and wonderful at the same time to be caught up in his arms again. I forgot how much I missed the feel... Not really forgot.. I always missed him... But to actually feel the warmth of him again... I swear I was flying... But when he was ready to return home... I knew where we would end up. As badly as I wanted him, I couldn't lie to him.

So I told him I wasn't what he thought I was. I wasn't a prostitute. Everything changed then. He wanted nothing more to do with me... He walked away. I expected he would and prepared myself... but the pain that seared my heart... I thought it would literally burn a hole in my chest. I dove under the water to wash away my tears before stepping out and away from all of them... his words continued to come back to me. He was seeing someone kind of off and on. Sandy...

Sandy... Ra that woman... I'm not so angry that he's been with her. Or that she was his first... I know who he wanted before the accident.. If the gods grant it, he will one day return... but for now, I wish he wouldn't settle for a woman who lies to him all the time and only uses him for the lay she knows she can get from him. I've seen her with Zack. I'm not stupid. I know they are together. I know Zack is the one she's always wanted to be with. I only wish she would be straight with Ori and let him know... let him go... for good.

I could cast a spell to do just that, but that's not the kind of thing Aurora has taught me. Rule one of spellcasting: Never mess with Free Will. I swore to Aurora that I never would. And I didn't...

After I left Orifiel, I went home. I tucked Serena into bed, but then she started asking me questions about her father. How do I tell her Orifiel is alive, but she can't be with him? Not because he doesn't want her- but because he doesn't remember that she was to be born... I took her to my room where she saw pictures of him and me. She even tried to wear his old Chainer jacket. It was cute really... But then her little face grew misty. She could sense the pain the memories caused me. She wanted to take it all away. We just fell asleep on my bed. When I woke, she was gone. I found her with Atem and knew she would be okay. I knew what I wanted to do.

I swore I wouldn't get into his head, but Ori and Orifiel deserved the truth. I cast a simple spell over Sandy and Ori and Orifiel. Sandy could speak, but her words would eventually betray her. Her lies will eventually run out and Ori will grow suspiscious of her. She can still lie if she chooses, but Ori and Orifiel were both given the sense to be able to see through her lies now. How long it takes is entirely up to them of course... and what they do afterward is also going ot be up to them...

As much as I would like to see it, I don't expect to see either Ori or Orifiel at my doorstep anytime soon... But if they do... here's my next dilema...

I love Orifiel. I never stopped. But to love him, I must learn to accept Ori. But in accepting him... to earn his trust... do I bring the attraction to him as well? Can both of them accept me? Do I have to love both and do both have to love me? Will Orifiel be able to be the father he should be? Can Ori accept that Orifiel is Serena's father and let him do what he needs to do... And ... what changes, if any, occured within them after the accident?

Can I really handle both men in one body?

I guess that is the main question in the end.. both men in one body- each with their own personalities and wants, needs, expectations...

I can't let myself become too wrapped up in them though... As much as I want to- I can't. I have to live for Serena. She is the most important part of my life right now. Regardless what man becomes a part of it, he must be able to accept her. If he can't... well... I'll deal with that when the time comes. For now I will support Serena and do right by her. Aurora and Atem opened a club while I was away. I'm tired of traveling. I've made more than enough to keep Serena and I at a decent life. We will be well taken care of. For something to do, Aurora has offered my band the opportunity to perform at the club on Saturday nights. I think I will talk to them and see what they think. It would be nice to remain in one place for a change. I can give Serena a stable life for once...

Or at least as stable as I can get it right now.

Home...

2006-10-01T11:13:00.000-07:00

What is home anymore? it is hard for me to make sense of so much. Orifiel... he is so cold... He's alive... but he's so cold. He looks through me like I am nothing. After everything we have been through. Everything we've done. We have a daughter even... but he does not even know who I am...

Ori... isn't as snobbish as he was in school. He.. is actually kind of quiet. Thoughtful. I hear he works at the hospital too.

I just wish I could get passed whatever wall has been built up... I hate that we were once so close and now I have become nothing..

There has to be a way...

Please Orifiel... help me find a way to you again... help me...

Life so far...

2006-09-15T21:31:00.000-07:00

I have been kind of avoiding this for a long time. I have because I would be forced to think back on things that happened. Things I think I would rather forget. But I can't. I need to remember. I have to remember... for her... Serena.

Back in May 3 years ago, I finally broke down and told Orifiel that I was going to have a baby. That we were going to be parents. I was so scared when I told him. I feared he would leave me and claim he wasn't the father... But he surprised me when he said he had wished I had told him sooner so he could have been there for me. It gave me hope, it really did. I was glad to be able to start a family with him. I couldn't imagine life being any other way.

But on our way to Prom... we were driving to pic up Kiza when this man comes out of no where. Orifiel swerved to avoid striking him and lost control of the car. He let go and dove to cover and protect me. I remember opening my eyes and my head feeling heavy. I looked down to find him resting on me. He wasn't moving. Wasn' breathing. He couldn't even respond when I called to him. He was dead. He died protecting me. When I woke up again I was in the hopsital. Our daughter had to be born my emergency c-section a month early. There is something about her... The doctors were amazed, she should have been taken to a special room and connected to machines to keep her alive while she continued to develop. But it was as if there was something magical about her. Something that willed her to stay alive. I wonder if part of Orifiel's spirit became a part of her that night to keep her alive. So she would always have a part of him within her.

I'd like to hope anyway.

I couldn't stay in Harbor Springs after the accident. There were too many places that brought back memories of him. I don't know if I can ever return to my own room. So many nights I shared with him... I fear if I walk in I will be consumed by the memories. I fear that even more now because I have to return. My theatre company has made it's way out of Europe and is doing a stateside tour. We have all been in the states for about a year and a half. It has taken us this long to get back into California. I haven't been to the mansion yet. As far as I know Aurora doesn't even know I have returned. Serena has been in awe over the new city- even though it isn't new to her, she wouldn't remember the last time she was here.

RYo, Rowen, and Sage have been good and patient with me. They have helped me with Serena. Rowen started dating this woman named Jewel. She is kind of wacky, but she's fun. Serena loves her. Even Sage took an interest in a woman named Ruby. both travel with us so it it nice for them... Ryo still waits for me... I can't love again. I don't think I can even try. It would take quite a bit and even then I can't give my heart completely. I already gave it to Orifiel.

Ryo hates it. I wear Orifiel's jacket everywhere. The tatoo is still where I had it put on. I still have everything he ever gave me... materialistically I mean. Flowers were dried and turned into potpouri for my room, jewelry that I am not wearing is locked away in a safe. I don't want to lose anything I had of and from him.

I think this is going insane... Doctors can't even get me to think straight. It's so bad that I am positive I saw him today at the store. Serena ran into him. It looked like him. Sounded like him... Kind of acted like Ori though... I freaked. I froze, and then I couldn't wait to get out of there. I want to go home... To france. But Ryo and the others won't let me...

So I guess tomorrow....

I guess I go home...

April is here...

2006-09-01T08:43:00.000-07:00

And almost done. Our prom is on May 1st this year. 2 weeks away. The school is completely insane right now. I can't believe how many people are going nuts over this. It's ridiculous. Or maybe that's the Chainer in my talking. I used to think I would look forward to prom. My Junior Prom was a lot of fun... But then again- things were different for me then than they are now.

Christams was awesome. Orifiel really loved the gift I got him... We had a wonderful holiday. I whisked him away to Atem and Aurora's private cottage where we ended up snowed in. Didn't bother us though. We got real cozy by the fire. I don't remember getting into more than 3 outfits the entire 2 weeks we were gone. I don't think Zack was too happy when we got back, but we couldn't help that we were completely snowed in all around. None of us could have gone anywhere no matter how badly we wanted to go.

Bonnie keeps telling me I should ask Orifiel to the Prom... Forgive me for being a bit old fashioned, but I prefer to have Orifiel ask me. She says another may ask me to go. The only one I think could possibly try might be Ryo... maybe Rowen if he dared... But even then- I would have to say no. I only want one person for that night.

It's odd how often I think about the future and see him in it. I wonder if that could be in our future... but then I think that and I get a chill... Like something is warning me against such thoughts. I wonder why? I love him. I know I do. I am fairly certain he loves me regardless of what Ori says. He wouldn't have remained with me for so long if he didn't... I can't doubt him. I won't doubt him. What we feel... I know it will stretch over time. No matter what happens, if we are somehow separated, our hearts will still be tied together. We will know each other again. our passion will be just as strong. Our love even stronger.

...

Who knew I would be the lovesick puppy dog? Teen girls always fantasize about marrying their high school sweethearts... Sometimes it actually happens too. But I am not going to push things. We should get out of school first. Then worry about such matters.

There are strange things going on at home. Atem's brother... has been kind of moody. Mostly he acts depressed. Aurora's friend Sapphira was here for only a short time and then she disappeared. Word is, she is not sure when she will return- if she will return. Aurora and Dorian know where she is though and check on her every 2 weeks. I heard Atemu convinced his brother to let him go once. He came back all dazed... walking as if he was in a fog. Of course that could be because his wife, Kaida is expecting twins. It's possible it's a bit too much for him a the moment...

Expecting children can be a bit much for anyone to take...

I have been making regular visits myself to see Dorian. I had some blood work done to find out why I was feeling so ill. He said he would tell me if anything came up. that was 2 months ago and I haven't heard anything. He's given me a strange look though and I see him looking over past medicines and tests in my file. It worries me... It's not life-threatening o else he would have said something, but still... Something is up and he isn't telling me. I'd like to know what I should be expecting... It's odd... I used to love certain foods, and now they make me ill. Like spaghetti. Cheese, I can't even touch the stuff anymore. Chocolate, my weakness... practically sends me to bed now... it's really wierd... I can't eat chocolate, but I can polish off an entire small container of whipped cream... -.-" Not that I need the calories. I need to start running again. I can still wear my skirts, but I tried to wear my favorite pair of pants and I couldn't get them to button shut. *sighs* What if I am gaining weight? I need to get rid of it... I need to remain the way I looked before so that I can still keep Orifiel's attention... I still want to look good... no- beautiful.

Bonnie caught me looking at myself in the mirror the other day and told me to knock it off. She said I looked fine... Maybe she's right and I am just seeing things. either way, I will just focus on salads right now and maybe do a few extra laps in the pool... That should help me. And I know Orifiel will help keep me active ^_^. That is another type of exercise altogether though.

I suppose.. Aurora is calling me to help make dinner. I better get going. Seems I have been spending too much time away from home, they are keeping me in tonight *sigh* Oh well... if he doesn't wander by, I know we will meet in our dreams :)

Premonitions of darkness...

2006-08-26T06:13:00.000-07:00

Where have the months gone? They move so quickly.

The wedding had been fun. We watched them exchange vows and Orifiel seemed so close to me. He held me a bit tighter then usual. I could actually feel his love surround us. As everyone was leaving the church though, I decided to pull him aside for a surprise. I had no idea a church choir loft could be so much fun lol Maybe it was the company, but still. It was hard to keep quiet. The last thing we needed was my crying out and echoing in the near empty building lol. It was great though. Then we went to the reception. He doesn't like to dance much, bu I did catch the bouquet while he caught the garter. I don't think my face could have gotten any redder when he ducked under my dress to slide the garter onto my leg. He teased me, knowing he couldn't exactly have me right there in the middle of the floor, but let me know he wanted me again.

The night was fun except for one problem. He grew quiet near the end of the night and told me that Ori wanted to come out for a little while. It had been so long since I had seen Ori that I had nearly forgotten about him. I swore to orifiel I would be faithful to him and I wouldn't let anything happen. I even promised that I would be sure to bring Orifiel back after a short time. He gave me one last lingering kiss and allowed me to call Ori out.

I really wish I hadn't. He seemed to be okay at first, but then he started asking questions about Orifiel and me. As I grew more hesitant to answer, he seemed to figure the answers out for himself and he was not happy. Later n I was talking to him and he insisted that he was going to be getting rid of Orifiel for good. I sat there stung. Suddenly all I wanted was for Ori to leave and Orifiel to be there. I know the Chainer rule... if he made it obvious that he was walking away from me, I would have to stay away from him for 24 hours. I couldn't let that happen. Because he was taking the choice away from Orifiel. I am certain that isn't what Orifiel would have wanted, but Ori didn't care. He even went so far as to tell me that I would be nothing but a memory. He completely shut me out.

I couldn't let him go. I just couldn't. Not after everything we had done. I called upon the hidden abilities Aurora had been helping me control to reach out to Orifiel. To awaken him. He was confused. But when I told him a little about what Ori was doing he seemed angry. He told me if I really wanted him to stop Ori and call out for him. So I did. I ran after him, lightly grabbing his arm and tried to reason with Ori again. He told me Orifiel wasn't serious about me. That he didn't really love me. I still refuse to believe him. Orifiel called to my mind again. He was ready, all I had to do was call his name. So I did. Ori tried to pull back away from me. He started to say something. I heard him say "Foolish" but he was cut off as Orifiel pulled him out of the way and pulled me closer to him, holding me tightly. He told me over and over how much he loved me. As if reassuring me. He told me he was there now and no one was pulling us apart. He was going to be here. He wasn't letting me go.

I couldn't have been more relieved than I was at that very moment. I was lost in his arms, his kisses, his touch.... *will stop now*

But still I get nightmares of Ori telling me our time was almost up. That something would be happening that would destroy us. I trust Orifiel. I love him. He has done nothing to give me any reason to doubt him. I even got a tatoo on my hip of a little heart with his name on it. Of course, I got a few of them actually. Bonnie is really good. Around my ankle is a ivy band with roses. And I got a tiny red rose over my left breast. Orifiel really likes looking at that one... *smirk* Though I know he isn't REALLY looking at the tatoo lol.

It's December now. The first snow has come and gone. It's getting colder. The winter festival is approaching as well as Christmas. I want to get Orifiel something really special for Christmas. Something he really wants... I just have to figure out what he really wants... On top of Christmas, there will be my guardian's New Years bash. They throw one every year. I've had friends to party with before, but this timeI will have the love of my life to kiss when the ball drops at midnight. I will have the love of my life to celebrate the new year with. Then 2 months later is our prom. THE night of all nights and quite possibly the only real school event the Chainers actually attend. Zack and Will both promise that things will happen that night. I can't help but be excited... but Orifiel still hasn't asked me. He isn't much of a dancer so he says. And it IS a school function so I am not sure he would really be interested.

Prom night... it will be our 7 month anniversary... I never dreamed... Never dreamed it would last this long. That I could feel something so completely overwhelming, so intoxicating- but I hate it when I can't be with him. I am truly addicted to him. Somehow I know he feels the same for me.

I have been having strange dreams though. I hear Ori's laughter, dark and sinister. I hear the screams of two different women and then my own scream echos after them. I see blood. I see twisted metal. I feel Orifiel's arms wrapped tightly around me then I see his eyes... his eyes filled with so much pain. I hear his voice whisper his love for me, calling my name and then It is all gone and I am awake. I keep meaning to speak to Aurora about these dreams. I don't have them this vivid normally. I can't help but have a terrible feeling that something is going to happen. Something bad. Many people will be hurt.

Which leaves me hoping that this time my dream is just that- nothing but a dream...

Time Flies...

2006-08-12T10:40:00.000-07:00

It has been a lot of fun though now that certain things have passed. I still can't believe I am officially a Chainer, but I enjoy it. Though I do miss cheerleading and some of the things I used to do, the company I keep make it worth it. Though I have had to hide that I do still get my homework done. I may miss that class time thanks to ... well... a more fun extracurricular activity... I still get the lessons I have missed and have managed to maintain my straight "A" 4.0 GPA. I think that is the only thing saving my from Atem's wrath at the moment.
Education is really important to him. I can't let him down even though I want to live my own life.

And Oh! What a life it is! If I wasn't writing, I would be jumping up and spinning circles around the room !!^_^ Since joining Chainers, Ori and Sandy broke up. She is now officially wth Zack from teh looks of things... Ori... I haven't seen too much of. But Orifiel... Sweet addiction is that man, I swear...

And now I think I confused myself a minute. So to clarify for myself...
Ori is a sweet gentle man, the kind that would be someone's best friend. He is truthful and loyal. I love talking to him about certain things. I can have an actual intellectual conversation with him about things... NON-sexually oriented lol. But he has a second side to him. The only realy way to describe it is like Dr. Jeckel and Mr. Hyde. There is a second person within Ori who tends to be reckless, mysterious, adventurous.... insane at most times. He goes by Ori's full name, Orifiel. I always wondered why the gang had called him by both names. I am guessing they new the difference. And I am guessing that is part of the reasoning behind Sandy's words when she said I didn't know him. But I do now.

I speak to both of them equally. Ori is my friend. My confidant. Someone I can turn to. Orifiel, is my friend and my lover... He knows me deeper than anyone could. He can do things to me I didn't think could be done. Sometimes my skin feels like it is burning up under his touch. It's odd, but very thrilling.

Orifiel and I were Homecoming King and Queen this year. That was fun. I was able to bring Ori out long enough to share a few dances with him before Orifiel returned to the party. Ori is actually a really good dancer. I was surprised and awed. He was careful though and he gets nervous around me it seems. I'm not sure yet what he really thinks of me. But Orifiel....

I don't know when he really took a notice to me, or for how long... But the night I was granted entrance into Chainers, I had a little to drink so Ori took me home... Part of the way anyway lol. Orifiel had a little fun on the way there. I think I surprised him with how impulsive I can be lol. Ori had every intention of leaving that night after walking me to my room. I politely said good night to him and gave him an innocent kiss on the cheek. But something ... I don't know what it was, but something possessed me to be a little daring. I moved to kiss his other cheek as I was taught by my moother before her death in France. That was when I whispered good night to Orifiel. That was the night I figured out for sure that Ori and Orifiel were definitely 2 different people. He stole my breath away with a kiss before accepting my earlier offer to have him stay the night... of course I had been speaking to Ori at the time and offered a hide-away cot for him...

The cot never got used... but I tell you... the bed got used a bit more than it had ever been used before. Ra, I still get weak when I remember the positions, the touches, the way he moaned my name, the kisses... *shudders with pleasure* And then to wake up in his arms the next morning... We both were too worn out to go to school. But we enjoyed our time together. What surprised me was when he told me he loved me. I.. I really didn't know. I thought I was feeling the same, I was just afraid to say it first... So I waited for him to say it. He held me even tighter when I told him I loved him too. I could almost feel his happiness surround us.

We've spent a great deal of time together. It's almost like we aren't ever appart. If he isn't at my place, I am at his. He has this dog that looks cute, but is kind of ... fierce I guess I will say. And Ori has this cute little kitten. But to us, we can so easily shut the world out and just relax in peace with each other. He has taught me so many things, things that if I wasn't an expert at before... well.. let's just say, I am now lol.

I stayed at his place last night though. Atem's brother gets married today and so things are really hectic. Orifiel said he'd go to it with me. Should be some fun. Though I can't help having dreams now of us at the end of the aisle with the priest exchagning vows and then rings. I can't help but wonder if it will get that far...

After the wedding, we will be preparing for Halloween. Masquerades, and costume parties, Devil's Night when everyone goes out to play their pranks on the town... That sounds like a lot of fun... I can't wait tosee what Orifiel's reaction is to my costume *smirk* The devil's witch has never been so sexy before... or worn so very little clothing... *giggles* Knowing Orifiel... I would bet we wouldn't be out for very long... if we made it out on the town at all when he sees....

I'm in?

2006-08-04T08:34:00.000-07:00

I never would have dreamed that I would have become a part of Chainers... a part of me is still in shock and awe... another part of me is beating myself up over it. It is such a strange new feeling... Strange new life...

Aurora is going to kill me for this if she ever finds out...

I have seen Ori at the meeting... but he still seems hung up over Sandy...Ashley made it clear that he had eyes for Sandy and he was off limits until he says otherwise... So I guess I have to wait... My dreams... they are so vivid... he seems so different in them. More confident and... well... intriguing...

He insists I call him Orifiel in the dreams, too. I still can't shake the feeling that there are 2 of them. It's odd. I am connected to Ori... but drawn toward Orifiel... But perhaps I am only drawn to Orifiel because he actually returns the affection at the moment... The silver cord I saw connected me to Ori's body... but am I connected to him, Orifiel... or both...

What will happen if only one of them wants me? Will I have to struggle with this all the time? Will both of them ever be able to accept me? Orifiel acts like he wants me... but does he really want me... or does he just WANT me in the sexual sense?

What's more is I don't even know if he heard Zack say that I was a Chainer now. I doubt Sandy said anything to him about it... They have gone off somewhere alone to talk... I know she still is hurting over the rumor that he has cheated on her. I don't know if he has or not... If she forgives him and they get back together... where does that leave me?

Will is sweet enough... but he is secretly seeing Bonnie.. an outsider to the gang... I guess I am in the gang and if Ori... or Orifiel... whoever he is, ends up with Sandy again, I suppose Will is an option... But still... I am led to to Ori... My heart longs for him... I don't think it could rest if my heart and his cannot be connected as they should be... But it is up to him now... There is nothing really keeping us apart now except his feelings for her...

I have to wait for him to decide...

Strange dreams...

2006-07-23T11:52:00.000-07:00

I really wish someone could tell me what was going on...

I had this odd saying in my head all night and when I said it, this flash of lightning crossed the sky... now everytime I sleep, I am dragged somewhere on the beach... the first time I saw this silver cord. I followed it to the beach and to this house. I knew it looked familiar, but I was confused. The door opened and I walked inside. The cord kept pulling me. I heard a voice, but it wasn't until later I was able to see the face. the peson on the other end of the cord was Ori...

I woke up in a cold sweat trying to figure it out. I still don't have an answer. I went back to sleep again... and this time I was just sitting on the beach. I heard a splash and called out. Ori responded. I went to him, but that's when things got really weird. We were just standing in the water when this other guy swims up behind me. He kind of sounds like Ori... kind of looks like him... his eyes seem a bit darker though. He tried to tell me he was Ori. I tried to get the real Ori to come back as he swam back to shore, building sandcastles with some bikini clad bimbos on the beach... this other guy... he kept pulling me back. When I asked him who he was.. or any question at all, he would put his finger to my lips to silence me.

My skin tingles at his touch... I don't know what it means... But I suddenly felt lightheaded... I felt his hands on me... I forgot something... I don't what what I was supposed to be remembering, but his touch was making me forget. I looked toward the beach as if remembering someone was supposed to be there. I didn't see anyone... I felt the man undoing the back of my dress which was wet and clinging to me from the water. Then suddenly I remembered..

Ori.

I broke away from the man and hurried as quickly as I could to the beach. I couldn't see him... I started digging and found his hand. Going from there I dug until I found his face. I pulled him half way up, freeing him, but he wasn't awake. The other man tried to tell me Ori would never wake up for me.

But he did.

We spoke.. he told me he was Sandy's. I saw the change in him then... I knew what they had done... He broke his pact. She had his heart.. she won... The other one taunted me.. I ignored him and told Ori I would rather be friends than nothing at all. I promised I would be there for him if he ever needed me. I found a white, heart-shaped stone and gave it to him. I told him if he needed me to hold it and think of me... then he was gone... I was left alone with the other one...

He kept asking me questions, but not letting me ask any. Everytime his fingers touched my lips... I felt dizzy and lightheaded. Part of me woke to his touch and became curious to him. I looked up at him.. he was so close to me... All I could see was him... I felt myself wondering what it would be like ... if he kissed me... Ori may be Sandy's... but what about this man? Did he belong to anyone?

I asked him his name....

He said "Just call me Orifiel, not Ori... And soon you'll be mine."

I woke again only this time smacking heads with Atemu... I'm still feeling the headache from that...

What did he mean that soon I'd be his? Is he Ori? Is he a part of Ori? Is this a game I am to play? And if I play it, can I win?

Something strange is going on at the school... I expected the hostility toward me.. but none of my regular friends have even come near me.. Jade defended me once... but... she hasn't said anything to me since then... and Bonnie... keeps running off somewhere... I haven't seen Sage, Rowen, or Ryo either...

Have they really turned their backs on me?

Am I really... not just an outsider to the Chainers... but... an outsider to the whole school?

I feel so small again... I feel...

I feel alone...

I offered friendship and comfort to Ori....

But... none has really been offered to me by anyone but Atemu... But even he can't help make this go away...

Yes... this time I really am alone...

But am I alone enough to call on HIM.... the one from my dreams... What happens if I do?

Do I really dare?

The trouble I am in....

2006-07-20T05:08:00.000-07:00

The title doesn't even sum it up... a lot of things happened since my last post.

The play went well. Zack wasn't that bad of a Romeo. He did okay. I expected worse out of him, but he surprised me. Ori even came back in the end to play the final scene as Romeo. At least he remembered his lines. He told me later Zack gets a bit of stage fright which could have been a reason for why he wasn't acting the way I had expected him to be acting during the show.

Anyway, we all left and began to head back toward my home. Ori saw me shiver so he gave me his jacket... let me barrow it, something to that effect. He told me he didn't want me to catch a cold. He really is such a sweet guy... sometimes...

We rode in his car leaving mine at the school. Everyone seemed to already be there by the time I got there so I hid the bowl of keys (so those drinking couldn't drive that night) and changed. The party was kept to the basement and things seemed.. odd...

Ori kept making it sound as if he sudden'y didn't want to be there. He turned on me. Then Sandy called... Well, I'm not for sure if it was her, but I am taking a really good guess from the way he acted during the call. I took a bit of pleasure in teasing him a little while he was on the phone until my guardian, Atem's, brother, Adam came to me telling me he saw my car at the school... someone added a few new details to it. My head fell.... right onto Ori's lap. It made him cry out in shock, but it sounded like something else... I can only imagine the thoughts in Sandy's head at that time.

Things kind of went from bad to worse then... Somehow his glass of water got mixed up with a nearby glass of vodka. He seems.... odd if alcohol is in his system. After a little while, his speech seemed slurred and yet he wanted to drive home. When I realized what happened, I couldn't let him drive. I would have rathered he slept it off on the hideaway bed upstairs and leave in the morning. But he was insistant. She he called sandy back...

It was during that call, I saw him pull some pills out of his pocket. I hadn't realized Ori had been involved with drugs... what kind they were, I still don't know, but they made him worse. I tried ti get him to spit them out... but he swallowed them before I could. He told me he was going to be fine. So I thought maybe they were for a headache. still I was worried out of my mind. And when he started down the stairs...

Jade and Bonnie came upstairs from the party at about that time and they started telling me how Sandy was bragging about sleeping with Ori. I didn't want to believe it. He was always so stubborn about that. A vow, a pact, something, he just was adamant about not going all the way until he was married. But then sandy arrived and things got ugly...

There was a fight to which I don't remember much about. I remember being furious. Ori said he wanted me... he told me he wanted me...

...he lied...

He refused to see her for who she was. I mean she was not only with him, but his 2 friends Will and Josh as well that night... he walked in on her and Zack.... How much more does the man need to see to believe? I said some things I shouldn't have and I guess Ori heard me. When I wouldn't repeat them....

He hit me....

HIT me....

NO ONE hits me...

So I hit him back. He dropped. Zack and Sandy took him to the hospital. I knew I couldn't have hit him THAT hard... not while still reeling from the hit he gave me... Turns out he cracked one of my ribs and caused some muscle damage around my stomach... Ra I forgot how hard men could hit...

I don't know what happened with the party after that. I went to my room, still furious over the fact that he not only lied to me but hit me on top of that. I grabbed the flowers he gave me and sent them flying through my window to the ground, vase and all. I turned and saw his jacket... I had laid it on my bed when I was changing and had not yet given it back... I couldn't breathe. When I coughed, I coughed blood. I spent the next few hours sick to my stomach beside the toilet. When it finally passed, I laid down, holding his jacket close. I could still smell his aftershave... His cologne... It was as if he was still here... But he wasn't.

I cried myself to sleep last night...

I woke this morning to Ryo telling me that the cops were here... Too many thoughts entered my head. The first being, was Ori stupid enough to press charges on me for striking him? When I recovered from being sick once more, I dressed conservatively and went to meet them. I was handed a court notice for 2 crimes of Minor in possession and providing alcohol to minors. A fine and some community service at best, that won't kill me. I can handle that.

Then they told me that Ori was in the hospital for a drug overdoes. They were still investigating but they wanted to know if I provided the drugs for him. I told them no and explained what happened, but I am not sure if they believed me. My formerly flawless record should have spoken for itself, but I now was facing 2 criminal charges. I guess he looked pretty bad too because they said it was still being looked into on filing assault charges on me. I told them if they did that, they had to file against him as well and then showed them what he did to me. My whole stomach is black and blue this morning. The pain is unbearable... They warned me to stay away from Ori... I don't think that will be a problem. I am not going back to his place, and I am not going back to the school for a little while... He wants his car, he can come get it or send someone else for it. The keys are still sitting on my dresser waiting for someone to get them...

Aurora and Atem promised the cops I would make my court date and they left. I got the lecture of a lifetime and then I went to my room. Aurora came in to check on me... then sent Dorian to give me a simple exam. That was when I learned what had been done to me. He wrapped this brace thing around me to try to help me ward off the pain of the cracked rib, then gave me some painkillers and something to make me not continuously get sick.

Ryo came up to my room and tried to comfort me. I let him think I was comforted... but inside I was still torn apart. I still can't believe I got into this mess. My chances for the scholarship I needed are now gone. The universtiy of my choice is no longer an option. The guy I care so deeply for is in the hospital and I can't even go see him. Not that I can get by Sandy.. no doubt the dragonlady would never let me in to see him...

With the effects of the pain meds in effect, I gave in to Ryo... It shouldn't have happened, I know... but... I needed someone... It wasn't like Ori was going to be holding me anytime too soon. I don't blame him... and then again, I am now kind of afraid of him. For him to hit me... I still can't believe it. First the lie, and now the physical attack...

He can have Sandy... I can't wait forever for him to get the nerve to see what she is like...

Well.. I have to get ready for court now... and to set up a meeting with a private tutor for the next few weeks. I can't go near him... and he's in most of my classes because I was in the advanced level of school. I am only Grade 11, but I am taking all grade 12 classes. I could very well graduate this year, as long as I don't get kicked out. Because of this mess, I already have to hand in my cheer uniform... I can't be on the squad with this. Maybe Yasmine can turn it in for me once it gets back from the drycleaners...

I guess I'll see what happens... If I can get my life back after this or not. It is only a matter of time before I know what is really going to happen...

On with the show...

2006-07-15T20:38:00.000-07:00

After a few delays...

I am still trying to figure out what happened. I am confused about so many things. I really should write these things down as they happen instead of waiting until long after it has passed... I will see if I can explain everything...

I took him back to my place so I could get changed real quick for school. He seemed surprise at the home, and later my car. I thought everyone knew I had that white convertible. A sweet sixteen gift from Aurora and Atem. Still... We got to the school and I snuck us inside. He really has no concept of the things I can and can't do. I surprised him several times that day I guess.

We were stopped by Jade and Missy. I guess I had a little love bite on my neck from Ori the night before. I knew he was passionate with his kisses, I guess I hadn't realized how out of control we had really been. *shrugs* Nothing the collar of my jacket couldn't hide. He actually apologized for it... Not sure why... It didn't really bother me at all.

Not like he tattooed his name across my chest or something ...

*giggles*... there's a thought.

But that confrontation, brought up my friendship with Ryo. We've been friends since grade school. There was something romantic there a long time ago, but we mutually agreed to end it. Since then it has been a friends with benefits thing. I figured that would be a concept a Chainer could understand.

I guess Ori really is different. Suddenly he seemed different. Cold.. detached. He thought it best I don't talk to his friends. I don't join. Suddenly, everything he said to me the night before felt like a huge joke. I felt like he was just saying those things. Not to really get a lot form me. He has set his limits. I guess I am one of the few that don't force him to push to pass those limits. I respected him more for those limits. It's good to see a man out there who is willing to wait. But, Oh, how I wish it was me he was waiting for...

But then there is Sandy... She actually started a fight with me over him in the school. Chainer vs Outsider, round 1. She realized I was the woman who had been with him that night and she flipped. Now she seems to have made it her personal gowl to bed him ASAP just so she can claim him for hers.

But what about him? What does he want? Has anyone ever bothered to ask him? Does anyone but me really care?

I watched him take off with her. I couldn't concetrate on reheasaly after school after that fight so I just went home. Talked to Aurora for a bit and locked myself in my room to sleep. Next thing I know I hear someone on the tree outside my window.... I look and it's Ori! He had a big bouquet of flowers for me. He apologized for what happened. he told me again that it was me he wanted, but it was difficult because of out positions in school. I can't openly date a Chainer, and her can't openly date an Outsider. So we're stuck...

By the time we worked everything out to keep our relationship a secret, it was too late for him to go home. So I gave him an extra pillow and blanket. He insisted on sleeping on the floor. Odd considering how things were the night before. But it was his choice and I wasn't about to push him. I still can't believe how shy he seemed. Almost bashful. He didn't seem to believe me about the little bit of magic that Aurora had taught me. That is, until I made a ring appear on his hand. Just a simple silver ring. Nothing big. He asked for a string and he placed it around his neck. I only hope that he is careful and Sandy doesn't find it now. I can only imagine what she would do if she knew about it... about us...

I woke before he did in the morning. Got my shower and started to get ready as the play began that night. I still hate that he will no longer be a part of it. I don't think I could ever find a better person to play Romeo. And Roman just wasn't cutting it. Still, he was sticking to his promise to Sandy... though I don't know why... It just didn't make sense to me. Oh well, I can't force him...

I have to wonder of whom he was dreaming about this morning though... He doesn't realize I understand how the male body works... kind of happens when most of my friends have been males lol. I learn a lot more then I care to want to know half the time. He decided he wasn't even bothering to go to school that day. He walked home.
Sandy wasn't there either. I have to pretend like that doesn't bother me. He has a woman in his life who truly cares about him and yet he still wants that flimsy little tramp... I suppose i should quit calling her names. Not like the namecalling will do any good. just make me liike hateful and spiteful... but still.. I hate watching her make a fool out of him.

I tried to make peace with her. When she didn't show up for the performance I called Ori. He told me she was in pain and bleeding... He being a guy he wouldn't understand certain things. Sure enough when I got there, it seems that was her issue. But it also felt like I was interrupting something. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. Something possessed me to do anything and everything to forget what I saw. I challenged Zack to the part of Romeo even. I didn't think he would really go for it.. but he did. At least Romeo is now a better kisser... Still... he's no Orifiel...

He basically told me that Prom night was going to be THE night for the Chainers... I can't give up the life I have. I can't give up my friends and have nothing to do with them. But part of me would want to just for one magical night with him. Dinner and Dancing... I would still respect him too so he woldn't have to worry about anything... But fate is working against me here. I care so much about him, but I am hopelssly deadlocked.

He has the girl of his dreams. The girl he told me he loved. And she's in his gang. I am just a secret on the sidelines who doesn't even know if he really cares or if he is just playing with me. I wouldn't doubt if that ring I gave him finds its way on Sandy's hand... If that happens, I transfer out of every class I have with both of them... I can't take seeing them together, I don't care what's going on. I are about him. She doesn't. Why can't he see that?

And why do I have to be an Outsider to him... v.v ...He is missing out on so much... and there's not a single thing I can do about it.

Well.. the performance is starting. I guess it's time to see how the new Romeo measures up... Hopefully the performance will get me my scholarship to the university I have been wanting to go to ever since becoming involved in dramatic arts... If it does, I can finish all my training abroad, including back to my homeland of France. And if he chooses to be with her...
*sigh* If only Ori would return to play Romeo... or at least come to see the show... Some sign of interest... but I know her kind... Sandy will keep him distracted until long after the show is over ...

well... no need to worry about that now... He's old enough to take care of himself. I have a show to do...
And a party afterward...
I shall write again after the party...
Wish me luck...

Well.. this was interesting...

2006-07-09T23:43:00.000-07:00

I say that because... I went to Ori's place to apologize... and .. something odd happened...
My lips felt dry... My heat pounded like crazy... I realized how late it was just after I got there and hoped I wasn't too late. I hoped I wasn't waking him up. I don't know why I started whispering odd lines from the play... Maybe it was my way of calming myself.

"Romeo , Romeo, Where for Art though Romeo...."

All of a sudden I heard his smooth voice in the doorway. I looked up and froze...
I almost forgot why I was there. He had pants on, but had gone shirtless... Ra... I fought all my senses to stop myself from jumping him... which my sound odd coming from a girl, but Ra was he hot. He just had this self assured look on his face. It added to his desirable look. I just couldn't think. I tried.. but I couldn't... Touching his chest as I walked into his home didn't help the situation.... I had to admit I was floored when he asked if I wanted to talk in the loungeroom or the bedroom.... My body screamed for bedroom... Thankfully, my mind was quicker and I told him loungeroom.

He has a beautiful home though... and all his... *smacks self to stop thoughts*

I keep going there I will never get this post done... ^_^"

I told him that I wasn't sure I had the right to call him Ori anymore. That it was a name his friends call him and I didn't believe after my actions that we were friends anymore. He insisted that I call him Ori... or honey... *smirks* He is such a flirt... but he's good at it lol.

It was odd.. I apologized for my actions, but he... he didn't seem to remember. I KNOW he had to have remembered. He seemed so hurt when I left him earlier that day... when I reminded him... well... he seemed to change again. The arrogance seemed to disappear. He was just a kind guy .. a friend offering a shoulder. He told me that it was all in the past now. He said.. he said that he may be with Sandy, but she couldn't tell him who his friends were... but I am certain she would try. He'd do anything for her. He practically said as much... I think... I kind of spaced when he took my hand in his... I can't believe this high school gurl crush... It seems to be controlling me... doing things that I probably wouldn't have done normally.

Anyway, he told me that as a Chainer, he should only be socializing with only other Chainers. I told him if we had to, I was willing to keep the friendship a secret in order to spare him... but then it hit me.. he was.. in a round about way... asking me to join his gang... I think I startled him... He seemed flustered again.. But he said if I wanted to I could. I didn't think it was a good idea because of Sandy and the others...

"But if you were my girl..."

His words still echo in my head... was he asking me to be his by joining the gang?

Sometimes I swear he is two different people in that sexy body of his... He was flustered on minte then regained his smooth attitude again. He said something about breaking up with her. But I don't get it. He told me he loved her. he left the play for her... Would he really just leave her? Or was this some kind of ploy to get me to believe him... for later purposes?

I asked him about his words of love for her. He said he did... until he met me. I asked him how one joins.. he said to just show up during lunch or study hall and they would sort everything out. The girls would be gone.. and he even said he would take care of Butch for me... Stupid punk deserves whatever he gets for the vile thing he did to me... I eventually told him I would meet his friends. I would join him... he looked at me and said he looked foreard to it... then he kissed me.

My mind was gone. I swear, I couldn't think of anything. Nothing but him...

Who is this man who can send me flying with hardly even trying? I think my conscious walked away from me... I returned the kiss and .. well.. It turned into a make out session, I guess you can say. Ra, the way he kissed... *closes eyes and dreams* ... He can steal my breath away anytime... *sighs*

He asked if I wanted to stay the night with him... and against all morals and reason... I stayed...And it was so magical between us. Don't get me wrong. The innocence is still tehre for the most part... I think *blush* I think we did almost anything BUT that lol. *dreams*.... And when he asked me to stay with him the next day... I did... I actually ditched school to spend it with him.. and I was thinking it would be good.. but things apparently were too good to be true.

That... that... ... tramp... that stupid, lying, playing tramp came over. I hid in Ori's room... I heard him trying to get her off him.. then I .. I heard... >.< I don't even want to repeat what I heard...
She is definitely nothing like me at all. Sometimes I wonder if he really meant what he said about liking me. It seemed like he did... Let's hope I wasn't getting played by the biggest player in school...

Now to decide what I want to wear for this meeting... If I can get home that is.. otherwise, I am about to get very creative with at least one of Ori's shirts *smirks* ...
You know... I'd love to see Sandy's face if she saw me wearing one of his shirts... and it would look soo good with my black leather skirt too... *sly grin* So many things... If I get back home, I may try for something a little... I don't know... teasing and only partially revealing so as to leave a little to the imagination... I mean if Ori really wants to know what's hiding... all he has to do is ask lol

Possible looks for the meeting:

A little different from some of the things I typically wear...

My Cheer uniform:

A couple of my casual looks:

And yes, I'm one of the geeks who got her prom dress 7 months early *rolls eyes* .. But I fell in love with it ^_^

And some random pics of my closest friends:

Bonnie:

Missy:

Jade:

Rowen:

Sage:

Ryo:

Guess that's all for pics for now.

It's time for me to finish the final touches on my plan and then begin to take action. Hey Romeo... I hope you are ready to see how a man should be treated by a woman. You'll see... I don't know how, but somehow I will help you to see...

What have I become?

2006-07-08T12:35:00.000-07:00

It is a question I have had to ask myself.
I know who I am. Or rather who I was.
I was Angel Hope, Captain of the cheer team, in the top 10 of our school, first choice for homecoming, snowcoming, and prom princess (only my 11th year, so I can't be the queen), the first chosen for the lead in nearly every play, the kind of girl all the guys wanted and all the girls wanted to be.

But things have gone terribly wrong.

It started as any normal night. I had the game to be at and then the party afterwards. I was having fun as always. But this time was a little different. he was there. A man I both seem to like and hate at the same time. He is a member of the Chainers. Woman seem to have the same problem as me, some love him, others can't stand him. He confuses me, really. But he was there with his friends. He seems to be head over heels with this Sandy person. I never could stand her. The only thing I can think is that she has air for brains, because Ra knows she isn't passing classes by cracking open a book. With air for brains, that means only one thing... Not sure if it's true or not, I have only heard the whispers. I wouldn't be surprised. I just feel bad for Ori. He has it bad for her. But all she does is play him for a fool. She knows his feelings for him. She uses that to make him do whatever she wants. And like a cute little puppy dog, he follows along behind wagging his happy little tail. I swear she only gets that way when a woman looks interested. She doesn't want him, but she doesn't want anyone else to have him either.

Anyway... enough of that.. to explain what I am writing here... I do what I can to avoid that gang. At least one of them in particular. Butch. At the party I got a note. I thought it was from Ori. I was stupid. I should have just pulled him aside and asked him what he wanted that couldn't have been discussed there at the party. But like a lovesick fool, myself, I went to meet him at the Old Francher place near the edge of town. As soon as I got there I should have turned away. Butch was there. He was waiting. I fought him as best and as hard as I could, but it didn't do me a bit of good. He still had his way with me. Thankfully I blacked out. When I woke, I could hardly move though... Even now, it hurts to sit... I don't even want to think about the things that were done. I don't think I want to know.

I have... I don't know- done everything I could to black everything out. To just not remember. My anger is quick when it used to take me forever to get angry. I'm irritable.. the slightest thing can set me off. Worse of all, the note seemed to have come from Ori so I blamed him for what happened.

The next day I had to be at rehearsal. I couldn't help but snap at Ori when he showed up. I didn't know how I was to do a romantic scene with a man I felt like I hated at the moment, but once onstage, my sour mood melted. And he .. he was amazing, though he seemed a little surprised and flustered when I kissed his cheek. I can only imagine... wait.. I don't have to imagine it. I did kiss him later. He must have gotten used to the idea because he wasn't hesitant the next time I actually kissed his lips. He seemed to enjoy it...

It doesn't matter. He chose that little ho, Sandy. He ditched the play and decided that her body was more important than the promise he'd set by committing to this play. I snapped. i admit, I did. But I felt betrayed... Shouldn't have, but I did.

Now I have to apologize eventually to him. I have his address.. I've never been to his home before. But I think later tonight I will. After Ryo leaves. It'll be odd... instead of Romeo seeking out Juliet... Juliet will be seeking out Romeo...

I have a bad feeling about it. I know he won't change his mind about being in the play. But at least I can apologize to him. He had said he was willing to be friends. I turned him away because of what was done to me. I have to explain. Not everything, but ... something at least. Hopefully I can at least patch up the friendship we had started.

Hopefully he can and will understand.

A New Start....

2006-07-06T05:27:00.000-07:00

Hey, this is Angel. I'm not sure exactly how to start this, I just feel the need to. Things are very hectic for me though with school, cheerleading, dance, and now theatre.

I can't say too much about my parents. I don't know them. Aurora told me they had been killed, but she won't tell me how or by whom. Part of me wants to know and another part keeps me from pressing it. I guess I'd rather live in the dark instead of being face to face with such a horror. Beside, Aurora and Atem have been good to me. Treated me like I was their own. It's been good. And they support me in everything I have been able to acheive. It's nice. As for anything else...

I got the lead in Romeo and Juliet!! *bounces excitedly* I couldn't belive it, but I am going to love it. .. okay.. so maybe not love it... My Romeo is Orifiel Brooks... He is a member of the Chainers, a gang in the school that is a bit shady. I dont' understand why he is though. If he wanted anyone, he's good looking enough to get them, he doesn't need that group... usually he's calm and quiet...but there are times I despise his personality... He can be obnoxious and perverse... Should be interesting to see which side of him plays out the role. The other girls seem to think I should be happy about this... but I have this feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach...

Or maybe it's bile.. I don't know... One of the other members... Butch I think his name is, follows me around constantly. He wants some of my hair. Even asked for my underwear. I couldn't believe it. Then he followed me into the girl's washroom and wouldn't leave. I did kick him hard in the face though. I was saved eventually by someone... he sounded like Orifiel, but when I came out, there was no one there. Well... it's time to head off for the game. Big performance for us today at halftime. I am looking forward to it. Should be one of our best performances yet. Then tomorrow is my first rehearsal for the play...If I survive my rehearsal I will be sure to write again *sarcastic smile*

Falling...

2006-07-05T20:49:00.000-07:00

Just when I think I have everything under control....

More of my memories are returning, one by one. This time I have seen a man with golden hair and gold eyes in my visions. He tells me not speak. Not to question him. Not to fight him. I see him leaning in and then all I see is darkness. I feel pain. So much pain. I can almost hear myself screaming for the pain to stop. I hear his taunting laughter in my head. It never goes away.

The worst thing is I have heard this voice before. I know I have. I can't place it. It sounds like Ori's but darker, more sinister.

Ori wouldn't have said those things to me... would he? No.. He couldn't have. And he never would have hurt me. Ra.. I wish I could just remember...

I heard the phone ring this morning. I heard Ori say that I was no longer meeting for training any more. I figured it to be RIJ. I had forgotten I told Ori I no longer wished to meet for practice with him. A part of me twisted when I heard him tell RIJ. I can only imagine what went through his head. Still... I promised that I would remain true to Ori. He is my husband after all. I love him so much and I can feel his love.

So why do I still feel like a piece of me is missing? I felt like it was gone the moment I felt my friendship with RIJ was done. But is it the friendship I was missing? Or was it something else?

I remember laying down with Ori ... enjoying his company I guess I will say... when Oriel knocks on the door... luckily we were done by then. Just resting comfortably... meaning she woke us up lol. Unfortunately, it wasn't a laughing matter. She told us Atemu had come to say they found Rayne. She was hurt pretty badly and Dorian was taking care of her. But she was asking for Ori. It was only a matter of seconds before we were at the penthouse and looking for our baby girl.

Her hand was wrapped to cover the discoloration of her skin. She was shaken and weak.. very, very weak. All she would do was cling to her father and cry. She could barely tell us what happened. Turns out her Prom date has a taste for souls. Only he was pulling her magic and life essence as a result because I guess she was trying to help him when he was in pain. Still... she won't let go of her father.

It's times like these, I am glad he is here. he is such a wonderful father. The kids are a big part of him, too. He may not be one to fight, but if one of us were in danger, I have a feeling he would stop at nothing to make sure we were all right.

Rayne asked me to get a diary for her. On my way back to the house, I ran into RIJ... He seemed nervous about something. Very unsure. I could only guess it had something to do with his earlier phone call with Ori. Sure enough I got my answer.

He asked why I didn't wish to see him anymore. I had to explain to him that I hadn't meant it in the way Ori made it sound. In the end, we patched things up. I know RIJ cares for me. He tells me he loves me. And I know I love him, too. I don't love him in the exact way I love Ori. But they both hold a piece of my heart still the same. I guess... one day I will have to make a choice... But it will be the hardest choice I could ever make...

As long as he remains with Sanura though, the choice will be easy. I won't betray Ori again. I can't.

Interesting birthday...

2006-06-22T21:34:00.000-07:00

(mostly blogging about sideline activities)

My birthday was an interesting one. Yesterday I added another year to my life. The day prior, Malik and Marik got everyone together for a party in my honor. Unfortunately something was slipped into my drink and I don't recall much from the evening. I made a decision not to drink the next night as the party continued.

Yesterday, I admit I was nervous. Ori had been oddly quiet the past 2 days and he was muttering something under his breath. He never would tell me what he was saying. I got scared. When I asked him what was wrong, he just told me I'd see. I was so certain he was going to give me horrible news on my birthday... I don't know why.. I still think Orifiel plays games on Ori's mind and that gets to causing problems.

Anyway, Ori appraoched me yesterday and tried to speak. When he couldn't tell me he said that maybe something in my email would explain it. So I went to check it. I found this beautiful e-card from him in my inbox. Beautiful doesn't describe the sweetness of his words. I think I love him more now than before. And I had no idea that was possible. I nearly knocked him over when I hugged him. I think I caught him off-guard. he had no idea how relieved and happy I was about that card.

After a moment with ori, I turned to see Orifiel. He produced a small purple and silver box. I was afraid at first of what would be in there. He is known for his magic... It could have been anything. I opened it and did all I could to keep from falling over. The necklace was amazing... breath-taking. My name in diamonds... I don't know how or where he got it, but I can tell it wasn't cheap. I still have yet to bring myself to wear it. I don't think Ori would think to kindly of it if I did... But then Orifiel did something else.

I thanked him and smiled at him... but he leaned forward and kissed me. Kissed me in a way that... triggered a few memories I had lost... at least I think so. Malik and Orifiel then got ... interested in each other to put it nicely as Ori suggested he and I get out alone for the night. I readily agreed.

It wasn't until later when I checked my email to find another e-card. This one was apparently from both Ori and Orifiel... I expected teh words Ori had written to me... Orifiel's...

I really didn't know he still loved me. I thought he loved Rose or Kayura. I didn't think he wanted anything to do with me anymore. He told me if I ever wanted to get away from Ori to go and find him. I hate to break the news to him that I doubt I will ever tired of Ori.

I watched Phantom of the Opera today... Oddly.. it reminded me of the 3 of us... Ori, Orifiel, and me.

((As for the real RP))

Rayne, Sachiel, and Oriel went to a school formal tonight. It left Ori and me alone for the evening. It had been a little while since we've been able to have a quiet home to ourselves. But Ori was distracted. I can't help but wonder just how much of a concern he really has with Sachiel being involved in this gang. We have since learned that Sach is a leader of tis gang. I don't know what this means. But I know Ori does. I understand it is hard for him to talk about and he would rather forget as it is his past ans he just wants to focus on the future now. But if our son is involved, I think I want to know what he may or may not be doing...

Then again... maybe I don't. Maybe he's just protecting me from the truth... If he is... then does he have some kind of plan?

And now Rayne is mixed up with that gang. It leads me to wonder just what one has to do to become a member... I mean... will Rayne fall as one of their victims as well?

When Ori and Rayne were talking I kept hearing this voice whispering in my head. Telling me not to ask questions, not to speak unless spoken to, to do only as I was told, and to not fight the one who was speaking. What scares me is I hear the voice in my dreams at night now. It sounds like a much darker version of my husband's voice. But it can't be Ori telling me those things. He has ALWAYS given me my freedom, my independance, allowed me to be who I was. I was never controlled by him. No.. He never said those things to me. But someone did. And something bad happened between the man who said those words and myself. Something unspeakable. I can't help but wonder who. And I can't help but be afraid of the day I learn the truth.

Who is hiding in the back of my mind?

Ori calls me his light. I am his Angel of Light. He.. he is my darkness. My Angel of Darkness... We... we need each other. We complete each other. Whatever is revealed to me, I know he will see me through... I trust him. He would never betray me. Whoever belongs to the voice I keep hearing, is only someone in my past. Ori is my present and future.

I wouldn't have it any other way...

A friend in need...

2006-06-14T21:39:00.000-07:00

I think I did okay... I was tested.. but I passed.

I spent a glorious evening with Ori when he came home. I explained things to himand he completely understood. He still loves me even with the way I reacted. I still get a good kind of chill when I remember him whispering such wonderful words to me. I don't think I've ever met someone as romantic as Ori. And I'm glad ^_^. Right now he sleeps. I love watching him sleep. He's like an angel. Then again... he has been an angel to me. He calls me his light... but I think he's mine... I know I'd be lost if not for him. His heart calls to mine and I answer without question. He is there when I need him to be. And yet, he somehow knows when I need a little space as well... No.. I really couldn't have asked for better. He is my guardian angel.

RIJ... he came to my home. He.. he looked a fright... He was so upset I knew I couldn't risk trying to talk to him there. I also knew he NEEDED to talk, but wouldn't with oriel so close and the possibility of Ori coming into the room... It was awkward because I had just told Ori I didn't want to see RIJ for quite awhile after the words he said to me. But.. the desperation and hopelessness in his eyes... He was crying out for help and had no one else to turn to. He didn't seem to remember any of what had happened. But he knew he hurt me and it killed him. He couldn't say he was sorry enough....

And I believed him.

I did take him back to our cove so we could talk. He still wishes to see Kiza. Though I know now that would be a bad thing, I can't tell him that. I sat there on a nearby rock and just held him while he cried... It's odd when he cries.. something inside me tells me it isn't right and that it isn't his style to be this emotional. Which is why it concerns me that he has grown this depressed... I need him to know he isn't alone. I even offered the guest room in mine and Ori's home again so he had a place to stay. He said he would try to go home first... but something tells me we will be having another guest in the home...

I know I said I was done with him... But I also said that He would always have a friend in me. he needs a friend right now. Someone he can trust. That light Ori sees in me... I know RIJ sees it too. And he needs that light as well. It would be too easy for him to be lost right now... I have to be the one who keeps him as stable as I possibly can. It won't be easy, but I promised him he could count on me and I intend to keep that promise.

I love Ori with all my heart and will remain loyal to him. And I shall balance my friendship with RIJ accordingly just as I promised myself in my last post... We are friends and nothing more. RIJ is sensitive right now.. He doesn't need sexual tension with other women on top of his potential emotional breakdown. He just needs someone he can count on...

Let's just hope he sees it that way, too...

Turning A New Leaf....

2006-06-10T18:02:00.000-07:00

Yes... After thinking long and hard I have made a decision. Of course I have had help. I never would have expected that a night would turn out so ... so wrong... I was sitting there, listening to RIJ. He told me he thought he remembered Sanura killing Kiza, his first love. But I know her. She wouldn't have done that. She's practically been Suzie homemaker ever since they moved into that house down from me and Ori. Still, something inside me just KNOWS it wasn't she. My thoughts were confirmed when a couple passed us. I heard the man call the woman with him Kiza. I let RIJ know and he spazzed on me. It was as if suddenly I didn't exist.

He took off with her. Just disappeared. I was shocked silent until I felt a pain in my wrist. I called out for Ori just as Kiala, my cat, sent the man flying. Ori was there in an instant and he never left my side. I was reminded of why I loved him. Why I needed to remain with him. Still... Something told me that Kiza was in trouble and I knew he was once friends with her. So I knew he would go to her.

By the time we got there, the fight was pretty much over. I saw RIJ about to hurt the other man though so I stopped him. But he.. he was different. There was no longer any softness in his voice. His eyes... they were almost red instead of the gold I had loved. There was no tenderness to him. So much anger surrounded him. He told him not to touch him. So I let go. I tried to reason with him. I pleaded for him to remember that he knew me. He told me, without looking at me, that he hated me. He said he hated being with me. Touching me... He nearly gave away our secret... Not that I would have cared at that moment.

I was stung. Crushed. I trusted him! He was my friend, my teacher, my lover... I LOVED him. And I still do. But this betrayal... the words he spoke... I'll never forget them... Even if he were to return right this moment and tell me he was sorry- I could never offer him anything more than my friendship from here on out. I have to make my heart cold to him. I can't allow him to hurt me. Not like that. Not again.

My lessons with him are over. I'll not turn to him again. I won't allow it. I can train with Aurora and the others. Or I can just train on my own. Either way, my time with him is done. I have told Kiala that it is no longer needed for her to go back and forth between our home and his. She has a permanate place here with my own family.

My family. I sense their concern for me. I haven't spoken since I returned. I left Ori, RIJ, everyone... I just left. I heard Sachiel calling for me through the door, but I wouldn't answer. But this silence has given me the time I needed. I know now what I must do. It is over for good between RIJ and me. I am Ori's wife. It's time I acted like it. He is a good man who is sweet and kind to me. He never raised his voice to me. He looks out for me. He believes in me. Trusts me. Now it's time I gave him a reason to trust me. When he gets home... things will change. He will know that I love him. Want him. Only him.

Goodbye, RIJ. I wish you luck. But the door to my heart is closed to you. And you've no one to blame but yourself.

A birthday... and more confusion...

2006-06-09T15:24:00.000-07:00

RIJ's birthday is tomorrow. The 11th. It is the night of the full moon too. Interesting how things go.

I don't know how I got to the cove. I remember looking for Rayne, but not much after that. I just remember waking in Ori's arms. He was scared. I know he doesn't want to see anything happen to me. It's why he is more at ease when Kiala is with me. She is a kitten that I found long ago. Actually I found her as a hawk. But I turned her into a kitten. She can morph into any animal I choose. When I am alone and Kiala is with me I have her become a white tiger or a snow leopard... 2 of my favorite wild cats. When I woke, I made sure not to make mention of the dead man who was lying near Ori. I know how he is about ghosts, being so near a dead body wouldn't have exactly brought out his braver side. So I asked for 5 minutes alone. He didn't want to but Kiala was there to reassure him. I knew he needed to speak with Sach alone anyway.

I gave the man a proper buriel... well traditional in the sense of I burned the body so there were no remains left to be found and said a prayer for him. I know that I will have to explain this to Ori and hope that he understands I was only staying behind to take care of the body. Then Kiala returned to the form of the average housecat and took off down the beach. I ran after her and stopped when I saw her curled up on the lap of another. I relaxed when I realized it was RIJ. But something was wrong.

He looked up at me. He told me he had so many things he wanted to say to me, but he could not find the words. I sat beside him and told him not to speak then before kissing his cheek. Ori know RIJ and I are friends. Being so close to RIJ's home and my own, I couldn't risk anything else. At least the motion I did allow, showed him I was there for him if he needed to talk without alluding to anything else in case anyone happened to see us. He told me he loved me. I believe in my heart he truely feels this way too. I know I do, but I also love Ori with the same intensity. When I tell them I love them, I mean it. But there was something off in RIJ. Something was wrong.

What could have troubled him so deeply? Will he tell me? I hope he knows he can. I hope he remembers that I am always here for him. he can always come to me if there is a problem. I keep lying in bed at night waiting for a knock on the front door.

I have seen it in my dreams. I open the door to see him broken and on his knees. The rain falling all around him. He tells me in my dreams that I was the only one who could understand. I was the only one he could come to. I would take him in and Ori would fetch a warm blanket to place over his brother. I would hold RIJ until he went to sleep. I would listen to him as his tears fell and try to make sense of his whispered words, finally resorting to our mental link in order to make sense of anything. I can never understand in the dream. Everything is so fuzzy. But I know that he is hurt. And I know that I am the one who can help him...

I just hope that I can...

Please... RIJ- talk to me... tell me what is hurting you so I can try to help you. I want to steal your pain away... Let me hold it for you... let me keep it locked away so you are free of the pain and saddness that haunts you. Give me your tears... let me turn them to pearls... Hand them over to me, and I will keep them for you. I want to mend what is broken.... Don't lose sight of the light that you have seen within me... It will guide you though the dark... now and forever...

Shattered...

2006-06-05T21:39:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to do. I really don't. Everything was going so well. Now there are things... too many things... that threaten to tear me apart.

It seems Sachiel has gotten involved with a gang who call themselves The Chainers. Ori explained to me what they did. My little boy.... My only son...He can't be a part of that gang.... He just can't. Ori seems to be crushed by the idea too. He wants to talk to Sach about it, but he also doesn't want him to know that we know about it. It's hard to proceed about something about this without pushing him away from us. I guess I can only pray that he is careful.

Rayne... she is beginning to be a bit rebellious. I am not sure if Ori sensed it, but I know she left the house earlier. She knows she shouldn't, but she is just wanting her freedom. She is our baby girl. I have faith in her, I do... but I also know what's out there. I just don't want to see her get hurt. We can't always be there to protect them. Sure they can fight, but they have never really had to before. Maybe I am just being too overprotective. Oriel is doing okay at least. She is packing for the co senior/freshman trip. She told me it was a trip to kind of introduce the Freshman into the ways of their final years of High School. I remember the trip.. I think... Vaguely...

RA I HATE THIS!!!! *hits desk* I HATE not remembering everything. I never know what is real and what isn't. What is a memory and what is just a figment of my imagination? I try to be who I think I was. I try so hard, but it is difficult when I still can't remember so many things. I remember everything from waking up in the coffin on. I remember very little before then.

Heck, I hardly remember my own wedding. My first one, not the one we renewed our vows in. The first one. I watched the video of it, but somethign about Ori doesn't seem right in the video. It was as if he was struggling with something during the ceremony, and he ... was like a completely different person during the reception. I remember a Truth or Dare game that was fun.... He and I made up our own rules... I remember... Ghosts... That was a bad night. I remember going away with him to another home.

I remember being kidnapped by a man with snow white hair and golden eyes. He called himself Julian. I remember staring up at Ori in fear as Julian attacked me and wondering why Ori didn't do something to stop him. I remember Malik coming in to help though... And then I was taken back to the house Ori and I stayed in. I slept for a long while. When I came to I looked hideous. Covered in bruises and cuts. I remember shying away from Ori at first. Then being cradled in his arms. I find it odd I remember him asking me what happened. I mean, he was there. he saw what happened and never tried to stop it... How could he not know?

I remember him getting so angry he left and was gone for a little while. I don't know where he went or what he did, I just remember him being gone. I remember being kidnapped at another time. I remember Zahara, Atem, and Atemu coming to my rescue. I remember going to a circus after moving into the hotel. I remember living happily with Ori and then giving birth to our twins. This is all I remember.

I am asked about a man named Orifiel. His name is familar... I thought it was Ori's full name. He just never liked to use it. Then I remembered he was the guy who told me I was married to him when I really wasn't. I remember feeling like he was someone who had hurt me and I was ment to stay away from him. I remembered I should fear him. But why exactly I don't know. I don't remember him actually doing anything more than lying to me.

Did he do more than lie to me? Did he really hurt me?

And then there is more...

RIJ...

We were to be trying to keep it so no one would know about us... But it is getting harder and harder. When we were leaving his and Sanura's home the other night he held me to him like he would when we were alone. He only kissed my cheek, but I could tell he wanted more. If he wants to be able to remain seeing me, he has to be careful in front of Ori and Sanura. We can't allow them to suspect.

This is so hard. I love them both. Ori is good as gold to me. He is kind and caring. Soft and gentle. I can talk to him about almost anything. But he sometimes has these moments where he just pulls away. We have a beautiful family that we both adore. RIJ... I don't think there is a way to describe it. Our is like a fiery passion that we are barely able to keep control We can talk about anything. he makes me feel safe, even though I know full well I can take care of myself if I have to. He is romantic, but strong at the same time. Both of them.. they are so similar that I couldn't choose between them if I had to. I'm afraid of what I would do if I had to.

One day... One day this will end... but how is up to fate. Until then, I will continue to be Ori's light. The beacon that shines the path in the dark. I will also be the light RIJ needs as well. It's all I can do for now...

Living peacefully....

2006-06-01T23:00:00.000-07:00

I never knew just how confusing life really could be. But at the same time, it has given me so much. I remember little about certain events still, but I am content to keep it that way. I remember the important things and that's all that matters.

Ori and I have been married now 18 years. We have a family we can really be proud of too. Oriel, at age 18, has taken after me when it comes to school. She is pretty much the queen of it, which I am glad to hear. People who are differen't are typically the outcasts. And with our family, you can't get much different. Immortals with magic gifts, mystical looking eye colors, and different colored hair that is completely natural for us. But she is popular, and active in school activities. She is even up for Prom Queen this year. She was part of the court last year.

Oriel is also cheerleading captain and very active in teh school drama club of which I was hired in as the director of. I needed a small job just for a change of pace. It only meets 2 days out of the week and we have been able to hold a great deal of the meetings here at the house so I never have to go too far. Ori doesn't seem to like it much when I have to leave. He's okay, not clingy, he just worries.

Though I can't say I don't blame him. I'll explain that later, however.

Sachiel has been more and more like his father. He is very intelligent. Both of them are straight A students, and both have applied to top colleges. Sachiel has also manage popularity... though mostly with the ladies. He is out late at night more often than not. I do admit I am worried about him. I remember what Orifiel said he was like in high school. He was a part of Ori back then too. I can't help but wonder if Sachiel got his pervish ways...

Oriel told me the other day that there was a gang in their school. Nothing big or major, but it was a group of boys. And their idea of fun... well... Is a lot like Orifiel's was... possibly still is. I haven't seen him since I left the penthouse 14 years ago and reunited with Ori again. I guess Oriel said one of them targeted her. Agains something similar to me, but she let them know straight away that she wasn't interested. I am proud of her for that. She said that she thinks Sachiel might have fallen in with them though... The gang.... Orifiel's old group under new younger management, The Chainers. I can't help but hope that isn't the case.

We had another daughter in the years that passed as well... not long after reunited actually, which is why she's 15. We named her Rayne. Charismatic and funloving, just as much a fan of the water as everyone else in this family. I will admit I was scared at first when I found out I was expecting. I kept it a secret for as long as I could. I didn't want to tell anyone until I was certain. Especially RIJ. I feared she may have been his... But the fear has subsided especially when she was born and I saw all that blue hair with blue eyes. I knew she was Ori's. I couldn't go to Dorian for an actual test because that would mean telling him that RIJ and I had been together.... That we've been together several times in the passed 14 years.

They know RIJ is teaching me how to harness and control the power that was his, just as I have been showing him new techniques with the older powers. he has been amazed, but he has also caught on just as quickly. I guess you can say we have been helping each other. The training sessions seem to be the only time we are given any privacy. I used to claim I was going for a run and then I would meet RIJ at a private cove that he and I found. It is almost more beautiful there than the canyon he and I were going to for practice. It has become our own place. I don't take Ori there and I have never seen him take Sanura there. It's just a small place that he and I can call our own. And having him there makes it that much more beautiful.

I said I used to claim I was going for a run, but it was my first excuse. I would run in the evenings and it was perfect, but then as the kids got older, they wanted to run with me too. So I had to come up with a different strategy. Who knew a darkened theatre house could be so fun ^_^". We have to be careful there though with Oriel being in drama. I also changed up my running plan. I run 2 times a day just to keep my strength. The kids run with me in the evenings, and I run in the morning's on my own. It gets a little tiring, but it works. And I made sure that there would be nothing more to fear. If I am to expect anymore children, I will know who the father is right from the start. Not that I wouldn't mind a child with RIJ... it just couldn't happen. We'd be tearing 2 familes apart.

We know we can't do that. It'd only hurt the ones who love us. We care about them. I love Ori, though RIJ doesn't seem to know if he loves Sanura or not ... I do believe that one can love more than one person to a time, it's just a matter of what you do with that love...

With the exception of the secret regarding RIJ, I have been open and honest with Ori about everything. We are happy and in peace. Our family is definitely something to be proud of. I admit I was leery at first when that other woman... a woman Oriel called Kayura... told me that Orio and I were the ones married. I wasn't sure if I should go to him or not. If we were apart and engaged to other people, I was afraid of what happened. I have to also admit I have had some scary dreams at night. I have seen him stab me in the stomach, I have even seen him trying to strangle me... I don't know what happened, but if these dreams are flashbacks, then I fear I may have reason to worry.
So far though, things have been peaceful. He seems to really love my massages lol. I just have to keep moving forward one day at a time. I don't want to ruin what I have...

But I am not about to let go of RIJ either... Something tells me he feels the same way. We can't keep this up forever though... And it's getting harder to leave each other when our time is done. We have to make choices soon... We may have to make choices we don't want to make...

I do have pictures of my family. I guess I can show them off now that they have grown lol

Oriel aged 18

Sachiel aged 18

and

our youngest, 15 year-old Rayne.

...I have to admit... they got their father's hair lol Rayne has so much confidence in herself. She also has a "don't cross me" attitude. She is our rebellious one... The female player of the family I guess... She loves to dance and party, she has had several boys calling the house which has given Ori a headache lol. His baby girl. He's not ready to let her go yet lol. We got lucky in the only boy to have ever really kept Oriel's attention was Cayden. So we see more of him now that they are in their final year. Sachiel is enjoying the unattached feeling and Rayne... well... she has been seen spending a great deal of time with Malik's 15 year old son, Mason. That's enough to make any parent worry.

But there is not much to be done. We can only go foreward and hope everything works out. In the meantime, I am going to enjoy my family when I can. And then enjoy my free time alone with my husband. ^_-

Happiness found...

2006-05-22T08:03:00.000-07:00

I am not sure what happened. But the part of me that felt like it was missing now seems complete.

It started out with me just keeping an eye on RIJ. But then he woke up. He apologized for being so cold to me. I don't know why, but I was still so drawn to him. We went away from that room for awhile and he helped to teach me a few things about my new gifts. It seems a lot of them are similar to his own. It was nice to have someone who understood.
Eventually all we did was sit and stare up at the sky. Seems he has never really stopped to enjoy life as he probably should have. I had taken us to a canyon I enjoyed spending time at and he watched the sun set with me. When he held me... I was comforted, but still feeling like I missed something. My help leapt when he kissed me and then again when he said he thought he loved me. I told him I thought I was falling in love with him as well. I honestly did think that. But now.... things are different.

We returned to the place we were staying at. A penthouse in a hotel where others were. There we came to face people telling me that I was engaged to someone named Orifiel while he was apparently married to Sanura. He and I accepted this. I had to when he seemed to remember her. I watched him hug her and tell her he loved her. I can't help but admit something twisted in me about that. But another part of me said that it was the best, that they belonged together. He asked her to marry him again, this time he could remember it. It was agreed there would be a double wedding. He and Sanura , and Orifiel and me. But then things went bad again.

A woman showed up saying hat I could not marry Orifiel because I was still legally married to someone else. My head spun. It was all too much. I needed to sit down. How could there be so many stories surrounding me? Who was I really with? Was I really married to anyone? No one would tell me so I backed away to let them continue their fight. As I slid to the floor, I just wanted everyone to shut up and be quiet. But the fighting continued. There was this odd tingling feeling and when I looked up I wasn't even in the penthouse anymore. I was in another room. I saw a man who looked like Orifiel, but I could sense that he was different. I was scared at first. But...

He was so kind and gentle. He actually sat down beside me to explain away my confusion. He told me of the battle I was in, he told me I had been killed and that Orifiel had used another to bring me back to life. He also said he was sure my forgotten memories was only temporary. He was hoping that if I just rested I would wake to remember all I had forgotten.

Though in my mind he was a stranger to me, something in my heart yearned for him. This wasn't like with RIJ. I felt complete with this man. The emptiness I had felt was gone when I was with him. He said he was Ori. I remembered him from high school. I also remembered his name as the one the woman said I was married to. He insisted he wasn't though, and a part of me was heartbroken when he said this, but I refused to let it show. Especially when I felt his sudden anger was more like just a cover-up.

He told me to rest but I was afraid to. I was so sure that I would forget more and I didn't want to. I asked him to stay with me. Eventually he agreed. He placed an arm around me and I curled up with him and closed my eyes. When I woke again, it was to his lips on the top of my head. he had placed me on the bed to rest and I guess laid down beside me. The way he held me... the way he kissed me... It felt right. I knew for certain then that we were married. He even seemed to change the way he spoke to me. He looked at me after I grew bold enough to actually kiss him. He told me he loved me and I knew it. I just knew it was true. He and I just rested for a bit until I opened my eyes to the sound of a baby crying. Ori said there was no one else there but I knew what I heard so I got up and went to the door.

Looking out I saw 2 children. The girl pulled her hand back away form the boy and a soft glow faded from him. He looked identical to Ori. I could hardly belive it. And the little girl was so adorable. My heart told me they were mine. That Ori and I had a family. He didn't seem to believe me until the kids came with me back into the bedroom. He really is good with them. I love watching him play with them.

We took them to the park, and then later to the ice cream shoppe. There I actually got him to try some ice cream. I don't know why, but something in me told me that he wasn't used to eating. I wanted to change that somehow. He said he really liked the ice cream. A nice start lol. Now I just have to try other foods. Perhaps I can make us a lovely meal when we move into our own home.

Yup, that's right. Right on the beach, it looks like we will be getting a home I have been looking at for years. He seems to like it as it is near the beach and the lake. He happens to really like water lol. He said he didn't think he could ever grow tired of being there either. So I may actually be able to have my flower garden, and have a place to call my own. A place where I can be a mother to our children and the best wife I can be for him.

Sachiel and Oriel are calling for me to return to the sand castle we were building, so I will go for now. I just wanted to get this out before I forgot. I don't recall ever being so happy. I have Ori and our children, everything I ever wanted. I feel... complete.

Being with Ori has completed me. And our children are my treasures. I want nothing more in life now. I have it all when I am with them...

lost....

2006-05-14T08:23:00.000-07:00

I don't understand exactly what is going on.

I wish I could say that I did... but I can't. Just when I think I have a grasp on things everything changes. I don't know how I managed it or where I was prior... but I found myself back on my old street. I just wandered and came across this guy standing in front of a torn down home. The home seemed familiar to me , but I didn't recognize it...

The guy.. he said his name was RIJ. RIJ Brooks as I later learned. I couldn't help but think he was someone I used to go to school with.. or at least related to someone I went to school with. I remember Ori Brooks .. he was in my advance English lit class before... before Prom...

Anyway... He told me it was his girlfriend's house. So I didn't think too much of it.. but.. still something drew me to him... I don't understand it... It's like I knew him yet I didn't at the same time. There was this ... connection to him... Like he would keep me safe.. and yet I'd do anything to keep him safe as well...

He took me to the beach. I never dreamed it would be so peaceful. He was so strong... so calm and caring to me. He said he wasn't a kind person. But he was being kind to me which was all I cared about really.
The peace of the beach was broken by an arguement not too far from us. there was a man there... He had this strange hair... purple and blue and he was there with a woman who looked vaguely familiar to me. Yet she didn't at the same time- much like RIJ... There was something about this woman.. something a bit more... sinister. She was beautifull.... but I could tell she was deadly too. Someone I had to stay away from from. Then the other guy turned around. He was talking to somoene I remembered from high school... someone who had hurt me. I knew there had been others with him that night. I guess I just figured the guy with 2 colors in his hair was one of them for some reason. I don't know why- something told me he had hurt me too. I pleaded for RIJ to take me away and he did. He even walked me to my home. I loved his laugh... and his eyes... Ra those eyes- I could stare into them all night if I was given the chance. Such a beautiful color...

At my home I was surprised to see it all closed up. It looked like it hadn't been lived in for years. Sheets covered all the furniture. It was dark...

I didn't want to stay in that house alone in the dark. But he didn't seem to want to stay... It was worse when I found a newspaper on the table. Turns out the headline was about his girlfriend. The peaceful night ended... He seemed to grow angry with me. I don't know what I'd done. But ... I almost grew screw of him. I didn't mean to hurt him. I really didn't. He left and I was alone in that big, dark house...

But not for long.

A woman showed up. The same one from the beach. I ran from her, but found myself trapped in my room. I don't remember much. I remember pain... lots of pain... then blackness...

When I came to I was at the bottom of the stairs and there were more people. Aurora, Atem, were there. Atemu I remembered and AFG... there was another blond unconscious on the floor I didn't quite recognize... and 2 children. One was a little girl with light purple hair. the woman from the beach- everyone called her Rose. She hurt the little girl. and the guy Rose had been with earlier- was glaring at her. Was angry with her. He too was hurt. I guess they didn't like each other so much afterall... But what blew me away was teh little girl was hurt and he said he didn't care. He didn't fear Rose doing more than just hurting the girl. She said the girl was his daughter. How can a father allow his daughter to be hurt? I almost hated him for that...

There was this sudden need to hurt that woman. To protect that little girl. I raised my hand and thought only of fire. A stream of frie like light came from my hand and struck her setting the little girl free. A boy with white hair went to her to get her safely away. I don't know how he helped her arm; I was too focused on this woman. She gave up though and disappeared. The guy I had seen her with earlier seemed to know me. I saw pictures in my head of a wedding and the groom seemed to have his face. So I thought maybe I just didn't remember being married to him. He didn't tell me otherwise when I said as much. But still.. something didn't feel quite right... Like something was missing.

He took me back to where he said we lived and he said the little girl was our daughter.. but.. if she was his daughter, why didn't he care more about her? Why didn't he want to protect her? Why didn't he help her?

2 weeks have passed and I still am not really any closer to the truth. The home is busy with what looks like preparations for a wedding. I have heard it was for me... But who am I marrying? I don't understand anything. I don't feel like I am really with anyone. The guy who claimed I was married to him.. he said his name was Orifiel. But he hasn't been around much the past 2 weeks. There's no way I am going to marry someone who is never around. I couldn't have fallen for anyone like that...Not someone so .. so distant...

The good thing about him being gone though is that I have been helping a Miss. Sanura care for RIJ. He was here when Orifiel brought me back. I was told he was married to Sanura... but neither one of them wear rings... and he never mentioned anything about her when I met him. Anyway, she said they have a son together. Orion... She leaves RIJ's side only long enough to make sure Orion has his meals and is okay then returns. Beucase I haven't had much to do, I offered to help her take care of him. She seemed hesitant at first, but she eventually said yes. So I have spent the last 2 weeks keeping watch over him as well. keeping his hair from his face, holding his hand and singing to him even... soft songs my mother used to sing to me to calm me at night. the more I am with him, the more connected I feel. It kind of scares me.

I mean.. what if I really AM married to Orifiel? And what if he really is married to Sanura? I can't get involved with him... but I still feel so drawn to him. Like something is keeping us together...

Still.. there is something sad and empty hiding in those unseeing eyes as he just stares at the ceiling. He hasn't eaten or had anything to drink. I won't deny that I am worried about him.
I get to see him again here in a bit. I hope he wakes up soon. Ever since my fight with that Rose woman, I havehad so many questions about the power that came from me. I sense power in him too. I am hoping he will help me. Teach me what I need to know about them... For now though I have to just catch a glimpse of him again when I go to get my sweater back from Sanura.

Maybe I shouldn't get too close to him. For a lot of reasons. But maybe we can help each other...Who knows what will happen... Maybe one day we will find what we are looking for in each other... Maybe with each other.. we won't feel so...

So lost...

Crushed...

2006-05-06T22:12:00.000-07:00

So many thoughts in my head.. so many things I want to say and do... but something tells me that isn't going to happen.. something tells me to forget all my hopes... and that really doesn't make sense...

I ahve som any things I wanted to tell Ori... but he wouldn't listen to me. He still believes after all this time that I was unfaithful to him even though I NEVER was unfaithful. I was true to him all along I don't care what it looked like to him. Orifiel wouldn't do anything as long as I was still with Ori... It wasn't until after the divorce that we changed things... and made them more of an intimate nature... Still... Once Ori has his mind on something he doesn't change it very easily.

Still.. I miss his friendship... I tried to tell him that and he obviously thought that I wanted him back... not in the sense like he is with Kayura... I just want to be able to have my friend back to talk to... Though he would never believe that... Still... I wish he could know how much I miss him... think about him... I can't just turn the old feelings off; it isn't like that... I still care very much for him.

Orifiel... I am torn and confused. I know what I saw... I SAW him on top of Kayura... I SAW her struggling against him like I had once done... Ori went to her to comfort her... Orifiel only came to me to tell me what happened was "nothing". I am supposed to just forget it ever happened... Sorry- I saw him on top of another woman ready to force himself... how do I just FORGET something like that?

I love him... I do... but this scares me... So close to being married... and now this...

I guess I should be able to understand... but I don't. I think while he is in the shower, I will go to the balcony to think and figure things out... it's so peaceful there and away from it all... An escape...

I just wish I understood... does he really love me? Or is this all one big setup...? Why else would he willingly jump on another woman just a few days prior to our wedding?

I wonder what he would do if I just walked away... if I wasn't even here when he got out of the shower? Would he be scared? Confused?

Whould he even really care?

Good or bad... They're still my memories...

2006-05-01T21:01:00.000-07:00

And I seriously want them back...

I am tired of never knowing what happened, of wondering how I got somewhere, and wondering how I got injuries I have awaken to find.... I just want my life to be complete...

The sleep walking, the dreaming, the extreme weakness... I just hate it. I want it all to go away so I can live a normal life again. As normal as an immortal's life can be anyway...

I want to watch my daughter grow and enjoy so many new experiences with Orifiel after we are married.

I tried on my dress today. The alterations are being made, the cake has been picked out, the menu chosen... Everything is ready... except a place to have it... I'm not sure... and an officiant... can Orifiel be wed in front of a priest? Or is he like RIJ in the sense that he can't? It didn't seem to bother him too much the first time...

... The first time... *shivers*

Ori is getting remarried as well... Wish him the best.. and pray he stays the hell away from me. After what he has done... He took advantage of my weakened state. He took me to Theron's place... He was going to just hand me over- though for what reason I have no idea. I don't know what happened... but somehow I was taken away from there... i think I dreamed being at the park... Ori and I fought some more then I think I fell asleep again. When I woke up again- I was listening to someone singing... *shrugs* I don't know who it was... he had a good voice though... Anyway- when I was coherant enough to know what was going on, Orifiel called for me. I had somehow managed to get back to the lobby of the hotel we live in.

By then- I don't know... I seemed rested enough but I was still slightly slow moving. Orifiel teleported us back to our room. I was feeling... well.. "interested" I guess you can say, but he mistook the signals and became concerned when he saw how red my wrists were. Then I guess the though came that Ori might have done more than just take me to Theron's in the state of mind, or lack there was, that I was in. He rushed me to Dorian for a check up. I am still waiting for results on a few tests to see if Ori really did do what Orifiel thinks... I hope not.

To think I had hoped eventually for a friendship... No. He has betrayed me one time too many and I have had enough. If I had to do things all over again- I would make the same decision. Orifiel may be a perv, but he is a good man to me and a great father to Oriel. Yes... I would chose him again if I had the chance.

Aurora is wanting to speak with me when I get some time... She doesn't look too happy either. I am certain this is bad news......

Confusion, fear, and lost...

2006-04-27T11:43:00.000-07:00

I don't know what I was thinking... I can't possibly have thought that things would be easy seeing Ori after staying away from him for so long. Seeing him at the park with Kayura... I don't know. He seemed so happy... I can't help but wonder.. was there a time I made him smile like that?
I won't ruin his happiness. I won't ruin his wedding, I will no longer ruin his life...

I thought I could handle seeing him. I really did. but when he opened the door, I was struck... Feelings came flooding back that I thought had disappeared. I thought seeing him again would help me let go and forget. Would get rid of this ache... But the ache is still there. It isn't like the ache I felt with Orifiel.

I just miss his friendship. I miss being able to talk to him.

But he did take care of Oriel.. he kept her safe... He knows he could have crushed me in an instant if he took her away and hurt her... But he cared for her. Was good to her. When we were attacked as we were leaving I had no choice but to send her back to hi and pray he took care of her one last time...

I am scared of my life right now- things happening that I have no idea how to handle and what to think about... Nightmares... strange things happening... I have seen my own death... I think that is what scares me the most... I saw my final death. The one I would never wake from... I saw my funeral... I saw my grave... I saw Oriel curled up In Orifiel's arms, crying...

I can't really be going away... these visions... they can't be real... I don't get visions.. Aurora and Zahara get them... not me... I'm not dying... I'm not... I just am not going to... v.v

Interesting changes..

2006-04-21T13:04:00.000-07:00

So many things have happened it is hard to really know where to start.
This house had once been one of mourning. We grieved over Sanura's death in our own ways. Some silently, some with tears, some just staring blankly as if not even seeing anything. Zahara was gone and I had a bad feeling about that, but I was afraid to speak up. I have been afraid of a lot of things. The longer this goes on it seems the more certain Aurora has become that Theron is a part of this trouble. THAT scares me more than anything.

To this day I don't remember what happened to my family. I remember Aurora being there and helping me. I remember her taking me in almost as if I was one of her own. I was so young...

But she would never tell me what exactly happened that night.

I have nightmares that I can't explain. So far I have been able to deal with them on my own. Orifiel has never really known of them or else he chalks them up to something else being the cause, I don't know which. But I have this grave feeling that I have some greater purpose. Something that I will be called to do that I may not like. I only hope I will have the strength to face whatever task will be asked of me...

Atemu really dealt with Sanura's death hard. Refused to let it go. He came back and I remember seeing him with a dagger. It looked like Sanura's but I couldn't be sure. He disappeared upstairs. All of this was after he brought Zahara back home. I guess she had a run in with Theron herself... At least she survived that meeting. Between Atemu and RIJ showing up...

Speaking of which.. he is acting odd too. He came home with this horrible wound on his chest but he wouldn't say where it came from. That just made my bad feeling even worse. But when the door opened and Sanura stood there...

I think the world stopped again. Then suddenly evenyone jumped up and crowded her. But she only wanted to know where RIJ was. So went to hi and he eventually woke up. He made some comments about Marik's scent being on her and she left only to return later in a new outfit and everything. I suppose being dead for a while whould make one want a shower anyway.. but he .. I don't know. He seemed kind to her. Almost like he really did love her.

Orifiel and I watched the kids play and suddenly he turned to me and asked if he could ask me something. I looked at him and out of the blue he asks me to marry him... I was floored. I was beginning to think it would never happen. But of course I said yes ^_^.

Things heated up in the loungeroom though not long after. It almost looked like some kind of sexual competition between Zahara and Bakura and RIJ and Sanura. I couldn't help but wonder if RIJ wasn't sparked by Zahara's suddenly actions toward Bakura. None of us were used to seeing RIJ act the way he was acting with Sanura. Things were so heated Orifiel and I slipped away whil the others herded the kids off to the toyroom.

I have to admit... I forgot how rough he could be in the heat of the moment. But I have gotten used to it I guess. It doesn't really bother me. He makes up for it in other ways and I can't and on't complain. But I will leave it at that to let one's imagination run free. It wasn't until after that I got bad news again...

Theron has Aurora so worried that she and Atem are leaving in search of something that can help her take him out. Natara and Bryant will be with them. I have seen them packing a few books for reference while on thier trip. I can't help but be worried. She and Atem are the closest things to parents as I have. They are all I can remember and know. This will be the first real time that I will be seriously apart from her.

But I know I have to be strong. I have Orifiel.. but I have to be strong and be cautious. *gets a chill* I can't help but think this is the beginning of the end and I should enjoy my immortal life as much as I can...

Because eventually even an immortal must face death...

And my time will come...

crashing halt...

2006-04-17T12:12:00.000-07:00

My world... it seems to have stopped... So much bad news around here...

I had a bad feeling form Aurora so Orifiel and I hurried home only ot learn that it was assumed Kayura had been brutally murdered... Atmeu went to that palace of the Higher's to find out the truth. We all received an email from her in which she explained a few things and apologized for others. Aurora is shaken by the thought that Theron has returned. But she wasn't prepared for the worse news.

We learned that Kayura was alive and willing to face Theron alone as a distraction. But we couldn't allow that. We truly couldn't. We just had to get everyone together. Except RIJ had taken off and then Sanura went after him.

He returned.. but she didnt.

2 cops arrived at the doorway and took Atem, Aurora and RIJ into another room. While they were in there, the news came on and we knew why the cops had come. Sanura's body had been found. Or rather pieces of it had been found. Zahara has lost her mind over it. She attacked RIJ and blamed him for what happened. Then she screamed that she hated him and left. I still don't know where she went. Aurora hasn't said anything since coming back into the room. She and Atem just sit there holding each other. I can see her crying- I can feel her pain. I wish I could take it away. I don't even want to imagine the feeling of a child's death.

Oriel stays close to Orion... RIJ left and the poor thing is left here all alone. Oriel is truly becoming a close friend of his and I can see him quickly becoming attached to her.

I dont know how to react. I don't know what to do. I don't think there is anything I can do. Atemu is shaking the earth again.... It always scares me when he gets that angry... If worse comes to worse and RIJ disappears... I think I can easily talk Orifiel into accepting Orion as well for Sanura's sake.. and for the simple fact that Oriel would have someone liek a brother to her. It could be a long time before a sibling opportunity arises again for our little family.

I just wish Orifiel would realize I have been ready and waiting for him almost 4 years now... All he needs to do is ask and I would be his legally for eternity... Either way... I am glad he is still such a strong part of my life. I don't know where I would be without him....

Interesting Night...

2006-04-11T09:59:00.000-07:00

The Reunion was last night and boy did it have some interesting events...

Orifiel started off quiet and kind of moody. I wasn't sure what was going on, but he seemed a little better once we got inside. I ran into a few people I knew from school. Too many of them brought up my failed marriage to Ori... They even couldn't understand why I was with Orifiel. They didn't realize Orifiel and Ori were 2 differen't people and I wasn't about to take the night to explain something even I sometimes have a heard time explaining to myself.

I met Orifiel's friends though. Not all of them seemed that bad. There were some women there who seemed to not like me very well... Not like it mattered. They only hated that I was there with him. One in particular was really angry about it. One guy in the group gave me the creeps though... I think I did okay. I held my own pretty well, I think anyway. By the time we all parted ways, I had some respect from most of his friends. But one of them pulled Orifiel away and before he left, Orifiel asked me to go far away from his friends and to be careful. I didn't really understand until a few minutes later...

The one that gave me the creeps started hanging around. He kept asking me for my hair. Then he started taking pictures of me... I ran.

And ran smack into Kiza.... yes Kiza!

I couldn't believe that it was her. Alive. It was strange. She is such a sweet woman though. A child at heart really. I wished I could have stayed to get to know her better... but she was there with Ori. NOT someone I wanted to spend my evening with... As friends maybe... but he is still angry with me... Not that I really blame him I suppose... still- he holds grudges a lot longer than I do. He was fun to toy with for a little while though lol. His reaction when I cared enough to check on him was priceless. I don't think he understood how I could be kind to him and actually WANT to touch him after everything. The only real problem I had... He threatened to kill me if I said anything to anyone about Kiza being alive... And I believe him so I kept my mouth shut.

Like I said. I don't hold grudges for very long. If he could get over himself, we probably COULD be friends again at least... maybe...

Later I was dragged away by some former cheerleader friends of mine and we did a performance to Shakira's Hips Don't Lie. I won't deny I had fun. I was in a Spanish style dress anyway so it was perfect lol. Afterwards, that stalker found me again though so I took off. This time coming face to face with RIJ...

Now- I know Kiza is around the room... so I have to keep RIJ distracted from her. I push him off onto Brent, a guy in school who trashed Kiza's name back when we were in school. Didn't take him long to get distracted. My next task was looking for Ori and getting him to get Kiza out of there.. and he wasn't about to do that...

So we argued a bit before Kiza suddenly disappeared... Than I left Ori to his arguement with Kayura... Ra only knows what happened after I left...

I finally found Orifiel and we were doing okay. He still seemed to be hiding something though. I told him that I was quitting the competition. That I wanted to retire dancing for good. He acted really strange - like he was shaken or spooked by something and he disappeared again. The next thing I knew I saw him on the dancefloor with another woman... that I was okay with... I can handle him dancing with another... but when her hand started going into his pocket...

Yes I lost it. A bit of jealousy took over. NO one puts their hand's on his butt unless I say it's okay... and I am not about to say it's okay.... So I stopped her.. or tried to. Damn woman wouldn't let go of him. They fell to the floor and there was a crack. I still have no idea what it was. I know I screwed up... big time... He has been so quiet... I am honestly scared of what he may be thinking. Maybe I should have just left him and her alone...

So many maybe's... Can't ANYTHING ever be simple?

I just hope what I messed up can be repaired... otherwise I gave up a dancing career and Ra knows what else for nothing...

Trouble on the Horizon...

2006-04-07T12:05:00.000-07:00

I am enjoying having Oriel back. I think I had begun to take her for granted. She can do so many funny things it is so cute. She tries to be independant, but she knows she needs her father and me. Still, the fact that she tries is adorable. I caught her trying to give her kitten a bath this afternoon and I couldn't help myself. If anyone had ever seen RIJ get wet from a pool or what not, they would have agreed with me that he acts almost like this kitten lol.

The Class reunion is tonight. I can't help but wonder what it will be like. I was popular enough that I knew many people from this class, but still... I can't help be suddenly be worried. So many things .. and people have changed. I mean, if they only knew that I was one of the immortal races now... I can't think like that... I have to remain positive. It will be okay. I have nothing to worry about.

Yeah right...

I have a dance competition tomorrow and for the first time I am actually WANTING to cut out of it... Ryo actually has me uneasy. He keeps asking me about Orifiel and whether or not I would ever marry again... I told him when we were ready we would make that decision if it came to that, we just have had other things on our minds and the topic has never come up. Truth be told I am afraid he never will ask... But that is a risk I knew I would be taking when getting involved with Orifiel. As long as we are together for Oriel right now that is all that matters to me... I am happy.

Still, I saw the look in Ryo's eyes... I KNOW that look... and I ran from it. It's the first time I think I have ever run from Ryo... I could always trust him.. count on him... But now... I don't know... It's as if he is just waiting for Orifiel to leave so he can slip in and replace him... But that's the thing.. you can't just replace Orifiel... he's irreplaceable... And I don't want to replace him anyway.

Orifiel is acting a bit strange though... Something is bothering him, but he won't tell me. He won't hardly speak at all. I know he is worried about his old friends expecting him to be the same way he was way back then... but things have changed. A lot of things. Still... He seems to have something against my friend Rowen.. but I don't know why. He had never really met him until just today. And that was only because Rowen met his date at the hotel I live in. There is nothing to be concerned about, really. But he still seems distant. I can't help but wonder if I did something wrong... I don't think I did...

If it was my going to rehearsal... he knows I have rehearsal every Saturday morning... He knows I have been dancing for years... Would he really make me stop? Is he concerned about Ryo? Or is this something dealing with Ori?

If Ori is causing this... he and I are going to have it out once and for all. I am sick of him messing with my life. I want him to leave Orifiel and me alone... It has gone on long enough....

Or maybe Orifiel has another secret he hasn't told me.... But could it really be that bad? I mean after everything else I have been through and seen....

What could possibly be worse?

And will it destroy us?

She's Back!!

2006-04-03T08:54:00.000-07:00

Yes that's right! Orifiel brought our daughter back home to me!! He seems a little worn out, but he also seems like he couldn't be happier. I can't believe I didn't hear their return. I had been in the dining room talking to RIJ... He really has some buried issues he needs to face with, but he wouldn't really open up. He decided he wanted to go to the reunion though... I have to find him a date...

Guess I will call in that favor that Alexis owes me. Though I can't help thinking that would be a big mistake... I am surprised he didn't ask how I was going... I was in the year below Orifiel... If he hadn't asked me to go, Ryo probably would have asked me to go. But then I got a call. I was asked to do a special performance in memory of Kiza and her family. That was what started me talking to RIJ...

He still hasn't said if it was okay or not... I guess I will just give him some time to think about it. He seemed overjoyed to have Orion back that's for sure. He really does love that little boy. I just hope that things work out for that little family.

Zahara seems ... out of sorts... she just doesn't seem like she is all here with the rest of us. It could be that Cayden and Bakura still haven't returned... But I suspect something happened when she went to bring RIJ back home... I can't help but wonder if they will ever be okay after everything that has happened...

waking up...

2006-04-03T04:07:00.000-07:00

I don't know what has happened really.... I remember kind of losing it over Oriel being taken and then a brief sting of pain as Dorian gave me some drug to put me out... I really hate needles....

I do remember Orifiel staying near me though... but when I woke up he was gone. He went after our daughter. I do hope he is able to bring her home to me. For us. Life just doesn't feel complete without them both in it.

I guess something happened between Zahara and RIJ again... When I woke up he was leaving. She is very quiet and she won't talk about it. I almost wonder... It is no secret that she and RIJ had been together. I can't help but wonder if they both are harboring feelings that could hurt many others. All I know is that Zahara seems hurt and confused. Maybe the time apart would do them some good. RIJ has a family just like Zahara does and they should be keeping that in their main focus, not the lust being felt between them...

Or maybe I have it wrong... They have fought for so long, maybe they have always loved each other deep down and just never knew or realized it. But I have no idea what Bakura would do if he was to find out... Then again... I have no idea what is really going on so I can't really speculate really... I just hope they know what they are doing...

As for me... I will be waiting for when Orifiel brings our daughter home again...

Stolen...

2006-03-24T14:45:00.000-08:00

My life.. my light... my daughter...

She is gone.

I wish I knew more, but there was no clue. She was in her bed when I first went to check on her. I should have just picked her up and kept her with me. But I conviced myself she would be okay and tucked her back in to bed and left the room. When I went back...

She was gone. I felt my whole soul and spirit just leave me. I lost the will to stand, to cry, to even breathe. I can't speak. My voice is gone. Atem has tried to get me to eat, but I cannot. Dorian wants me to drink some water, but I will not. I have shut down. It's as if I am dead inside.

Just when my life was going back to being happy again. I had my daughter, Orifiel was back to me. I was lighter than air. Cloud 9 you could say. But then I crashed. And I crashed hard. AFG says they will get the children back, but I can't help but feel like she is just saying that. Her son Riku was taken too. As was Cayden and Orion. Atemu went after Ori for them. But he came back alone. Vanessa says that means Ori wasn't the one involved.

She's wrong. She HAS to be. Only he would take something as precious to me as Oriel away. He would do it to crush me. To shatter me and place me in the state that I am in now. Only HE would get that kind of pleasure in seeing me suffer. I swear I will take him out for this. He already took Oriel's brother from us. He WILL not take Oriel away from me. I won't let him. I will fight him to the death if I have to. Without her.. there little for me to look forward to anyway. Besides Orifiel. But It is odd I feel such strange feelings in him. I don't know what to make of it. I don't know what he is feeling. It is as if he has shut down just like I have.

I remember him saying that Ori had taken away so much from him already. I don't know what all Ori has taken from him. But I know losing Oriel isn't helping. If he goes after Ori... I will be there.

I am not going to sit it and just WAIT for something to be done... she is m=our daughter. There has got to be a way to find her. I will find a way...

Learning new things...

2006-03-21T10:12:00.000-08:00

I guess I shouldn't be surprised anymore by the things I learn. It is odd that Orifiel can still sometimes shock me. His fascination with water landed him in a fight with the showerhead in his shower for some reason. But at least he seems to be back to his old self.. even if he is a bit... odd to say the least. But I still care deeply for him. Oddities and all I still stand by him.

When he finally came out we spoke a little and he asked me to go out on a date with him. I jumped at the chance. It was great to hear ^_^. Maybe that means we can finally get things back to where they were before he lost his memories. Another good sign was something... well something he said.. after telling me something about his past. Something I barely remembered.

I remembered hearing his name in school. He was a year ahead of me. He was.. a ladies man to say the least. I remembered the group of friends he kept in school. He told me they were a gang... a gang who called themselves Chainers. Now the gang may sound like something kind of Rough, but in this case Chains means something else... Where RIJ got money for her services and worked alone... ( as far as I know anyway), Orifiel and his friends.. enjoyed it in groups. As many as they could get... It didn't matter. No real reason except to just do it. More marks for their belt (or headboard or black book) I guess the saying goes. Maybe it was a good thing I didn't go out with him back then... He would have only gone out with me for one reason.. I had been used enough back then...

Anyway... His high school reunion is coming up. He is worried about going back. He is afraid his old gang would expect him to be like he was back in school. He is also afraid that they would try to drag me into their dark little world. I swore to him there would be no one in my bed but him from now on. I only want him. I did ask him if they expected him to go through with it again if he would want to. He said not really because especially if they found out about me, they would expect him to share. He doesn't want to share me. I remember he and Ori just did not want to share me at all. I can only imagine how he would react to his old friends wanting to have a piece of me. So I asked what he would say to them if they asked. He said he would tell them that he had grown up lol.

I can't help but giggle at that. Yet I get the feeling he has at least a little. He is a little more sophisticated in how he approaches women. I haven't yet seen him in the company of more than one... then again, I don't know what he did when he had no memory of me.

I asked if he planned on going back to his reunion and he said that if he went, he was wondering if I would go with him. Now what kind of question is that ? Of COURSE I would go with him lol. I would go anywhere with him if he only asked. Part of me is kind of looking forward to going back to the old school. It should be fun. Ryo, Rowen, Sage, and a few others will be there as well since they were in Orifiel's grade. So even if he gets sidetracked, I won't have to worry about not knowing anyone.

Yes, I have a good feeling about this. I am really looking forward to it.

Ra, it's so nice to be back to some kind of normalcy around here...

changes...

2006-03-16T09:29:00.000-08:00

I commented last time on how Oriel wouldn't let go of Orifiel. And how I wanted to be able to move on and let go. But it seems I am unable to let go, myself. I keep finding myself going back to him.

I want to help him. To fix what Ori has done. I left tonight hoping to clear my head. What I met with was only trouble. Akito came for me. First he told me that Ori had plans for me. Plans that would make me wish I would regret ever meeting him and Orifiel. But I never got the chance to tell him he was wrong. I will never regret.

Ryo interrupted Akito's speech. I had no idea they knew each other. I guess there are things about Ryo I don't know. I know he cares alot about me and likes to look after me. I also know how attached he has become to Oriel too. It is good. She needs a strong man in her life right now until Orifiel can make up his mind and make his choice. And if in the end he chooses to leave, then I know Ryo will be there to help Oriel recover from the heartbreak I know she will suffer.

As they fought I received a feeling that Oriel was in trouble so I went after her. I was almost to her when Akito came for me again. I suffered in his attack. My head still kind of hurts. But Atemu and Aurora showed up this time. Atemu was still angry with Akito for kidnapping AFG. So it didn't take him long to strike Akito down for good. Then the next thing I know Ryo appears and sweeps me off my feet. He seemed so grateful that I was okay. We go back to the hotel and find... a great deal of trouble.

It has been no real secret of the problem at hand between Zahara, Bakura, Sanura, and RIJ. From what I heard, things are even more complicated because Zahara is now expecting. The question among them is whether or not they tell RIJ. Bakura seems willing to continue his marriage and raise her child as his own. He is really good to her. Ori would have literally killed me for such a betrayal.

Oriel had taken off in the home again so I went in search of her. I found her with Orifiel staring at the sky. I wanted to speak to him. To try to trigger some of his memories. So I asked her to go back to Aurora and Atem. Orifiel wanted to know what I knew, even if it didn't make any sense. And it didn't... But it had been worth a try. Standing there, staring at him... I realized how much I loved him. How badly I missed him. All I wanted was to be in his arms. To hear him tell me the words I so longed to hear.

I told him I was going to face Ori. That I was willing to go alone if I had to. He told me it would be too dangerous for me to go alone. Told me he would go with me. I tried to contact Ori to let him know I was ready to face him. And he about bit my head off. The only thing I could figure was that he was up to something and he needed to concentrate on it. Needless to say, we have to find our own way in... when things aren't... so... caught up... I guess I can say.

Orifiel had forgotten about our mindlink. He was startled when I used it. I think the thought of being that close to someone he couldn't remember scared him. Not that I blame him... it would scare me as well. I started to rub his shoulders as I had used to do for him and at first he seemed to want to stop me. Then suddenly he turned around and smiled at me. I wasn't sure what was going on in his head. The look in his eyes... a hungry look I hadn't sen in such a long time... And most importantly... he was smiling. He hadn't smiled in soo long, I was beginning to think he forgot how to. But it was beautiful to see again. I kissed the top of his head... and the tips of my fingers so I could place the kiss on his lips without pushing too much too fast.

He kissed the tips of my fingers back... And he smiled again as he pulled me closer. It's strange being held like that against him willingly like that. I spent my marriage fighting him off. We were never close after he split from Ori's body. I wanted to but I couldn't. I respected my vows even if my heart didn't want me to. But now.. this time I was free. He was free... And we took the chance to become close once again. I feared he was thinking of Kayura. Yes, the thought did cross my mind, but I just held him close to give all my love to him as I always wanted. To show him just how deep my feelings ran. I wanted him to know... Then he said it. The one thing that told me he knew who he was with...

"I love you, Angel."

I melted. I was in shock. I couldn't believe it. But I didn't hesitate. I told him the same. I wasn't letting go of that moment. he knew who I was, who he was with and he remembered loving me. Afterward, all he did was hold me while he slept. It felt good to be where I was. To be there with him. Just as I always should have been. I did tell him it was nice to have him back and he said it was nice to be back.

As I lay here thinking over what has just happened, I can't help but wonder what happens from here. And now that Orifiel has found his way back to me, what does that mean for Ori? Did Orifiel break his control? Did Ori for some odd reason return to his old feelings again? Did he sense what had happened? If he did, what will he do?
I guess all I can do is wait to learn this answers. For now, I am going to return to my love. I just got him back... I am not ready or about to let him go again...

Not letting go...

2006-03-07T08:11:00.000-08:00

Oriel won't let go of Orifiel. She refuses to leave his side. She was always a daddy's girl. It just hurts me to see her suffer like this. To see him giving her this blank look. To watch her cling to him and him not even attempt to hold her back. She begs and pleads with him.

He said my name a few times today... but he doesn't remember me. He doesn't remember any of the women in his past. No one except Kayura. I can't do this anymore. I need to face Ori and get ... I don't know. Some kind of closure. He has done this on purpose, I know it. He can make Orifiel forget me, that's fine. But it isn't fair that he has to forget Oriel. Torture me, break me. do what he wishes to me, but do NOT hurt her. She is an innocent in all this.

I am tired of fighting. In order for me to let go completely I have to face him in one last fight... The problem is I am weak. I haven't been able to eat. No appetite. Ryo has been concerned about it. He begged me to stay at his place so he could keep an eye on me. I couldn't. Oriel is already disoriented enough as it is. I value his help and one day I may rely on it, but for now I have to do this one my own to prove that I am stronger than Ori thought. I will.

I will also be the one to set Orifiel free once and for all.

I just have to figure out how to do it...

Never Be the Same....

2006-03-07T04:06:00.000-08:00

One of the other songs we will be doing from the CD

(Rowen and Sage on Guitar for music)

(Angel)
Lay it down,
Pull my heart to the ground.
Time's getting cold,
Now the leaves all turn hard and blue.
And I know
When I gaze to the sun,
No place to hide
I got nowhere to run from you,
Away from you.

(Ryo)
Hold me now
Girl, I don't know when,

(Angel)
No I don't know when

(Ryo)
When we will ever meet again.

(both)
That was then,
Baby, this is now,
I try to get over you.

(Angel)
Losing you...
Things will never be the same.
Can you hear me call your name?
If we changed it back again
Things would never be...
In your hand,
Babe, I don't understand,
You've got the eyes of a child
But you hurt like a man always do,
Always do.

(Ryo)
Touch me now
Girl, I don't know when,

(Angel)
No, I don't know when

(Ryo)
When we will
Ever meet again.

(both)
That was then,
Baby, this is now,
Time won't get over you.

(Angel)
Losing you...
Things will never be the same.
Can you hear me call your name?
If we changed it back again
Things would never be the same.
Things would never be the same.
Never be the same.
Things will never be the same.
Never be the same.....

(( original song Never Be The Same © Roxette))

Stumbling in the dark...

2006-03-05T14:33:00.000-08:00

I still have no real idea what is going on around here. I have vague memories. I remember Ori and I remember Orifiel. I remember loving them both. I also remember both of them being a source of great fear for me. I remember now that Orifiel is Oriel's father. And I ... I remember how I didnt' want ot let him go. But it seems Ori gets the last laugh and his complete revenge.

He knows as long as he and Orifiel are still connected in some way, Orifiel's heart and body will want only who Ori wants. I can't keep fighting him. he has made it known all he wants is for me to suffer. So I have to show him I am not as weak as he thought me to be. It's my turn to take a page from my Yami's book. To raise up from the ashes.

Still .. there was something in Ori's eyes. He looked shocked and almost fearful that I was alive... Maybe I pose some kind of a threat to him. I don't know. I do know that I can't keep clinging to the hope that Orifiel will return to me. So today... I saw how he lusted after Kayura. But I also saw him fighting it. I can't help but wonder if he does still love me deep down. What he would do if he could be free to feel on his own free will? Would he come back for me? Would he find love in another? Would he still be the father he has been to Oriel? Or would he forget about us completely?

Can I ever forget him and how he made me feel? Would I want to? After a bit of though, I have to say no. I think... I think I would rather live with all my memories, both good and bad. Even if nearly all my memories bring me nothing but pain, even if... it is a memory I wish could be erased from my mind so I never had to bear the thought of it again...

I believe that one day, if I hold on to all my memories, one day I will be strong enough to overcome the sad one and be alright. They say what doesn't break us makes us strogner. They also said if you love someone.. really... love someone, you will learn to let them go. They may return, they may not. But still, you can't keep a bird caged when it was built to fly and be free.

I have Oriel. I can remember Orifiel through her. I will love her double so she does not lack the love from her father. I will be there for her when he cannot. Which most likely will be all the time. I will be the one to hold her close, sing her sogns, and tell her stories. I will be both mother and father to her. My focus will be to be strong for her.

I know he loves Kayura right now... Even if a part of him does love Oriel and me, it is not strong enough to overcome what Ori can do to him. And I can't keep fighting this losing battle. So I am letting him spread his wings and fly. I am letting go to be where he wants to be. If he comes back.. then I will deal with that then. But for now, I will just let him go.

Ryo and the others are calling. Orifiel left us all a while ago. Oriel is complaining of a pain in her back. She will be going with me today. I won't be letting her go.

You know... I have tears I want to cry. But they won't fall. They just sit there stinging my eyes. I've been alone for too long. I have too many regrets. I always have and will continue to love both Ori and Orifiel, and I wish them the best. Maybe one day our paths will cross again. Maybe...

But for now, Oriel and I will live our lives as if we never met them. It is the only way I see us being able to survive right now.

This will be the first song cut from the debut CD Ryo and I are doing with the group... Most of the songs will follow the same theme.. it is just how I am feeling in my heart right now. It is how I can do my best in emotional performances...

Soon

(Angel)
Soon Baby
I will cry my last tear
Soon yeah
I will be over you
Soon darlin'
All these tears won't be here
Soon yeah
You know that I will be over you, Soon

One night, baby, you won't be in my dreams
One night, yeah
I'll finally make it through
One night darlin'
I won't call out your name
I won't be in this place
I will be over you, soon

Soon as the mountains turn to rivers
Soon as the sea turns into sand
Soon as the sun comes up at midnight
That's how soon that
All the hurt will end
Until then I'll just pretend
It will be over
Over
I keep telling myself, I'll forget you
Someday, Soon

Soon

(Musical break)

Soon as the mountains turn to rivers
Soon as the sea turns into sand
Soon as the sun comes up at midnight
That's how soon that
All the hurt will end
Until then I'll just pretend
It will be over
Over
I keep telling myself I'll forget you
Someday

Soon, baby

(Angel, Rowen, Sage)
I will cry my last tear soon

(Ryo)
I'll cry my last tear

(Angel)
Soon
You know that I will be over you

(Ryo)
You know that I'll be over you

(Angel)
Soon darlin
I won't call out your name
I won't be in this place
I will be over you soon

(guys)
I will be over

(Angel)
Oh, I'll be over you soon, baby

(guys)
I will be over

(Angel)
I'll be over you soon, soon
Oh, I'll be over you soon

(original song is © to LeAnn Rimes)

Where am I?

2006-03-04T07:24:00.000-08:00

This is going to be a fairly short post... I am still trying to figure out what is going on...

Aurora gave me the link andpassword to this. She said it might help me figure out who I am and what is going on. All it did was make me even more confused. My daughter keeps clinging to this man in the loungeroom of Aurora's home. She calls him Daddy, but... I don't remember being with him. I don't remember anything about him. Reading over the past entries to this, I have more questions than answers. I guess today is my birthday. Dead and ressurrected in the same day. I guess I can see why everything is so confusing.

But if that man really is Oriel's father then why does he just stare at us with blank eyes? Why is there no feeling in them? No sign of recognition...? It doesn't make any sense. Then again... nothing in this blog does... I know one thing...

Oriel and I are finding a home of our own. The man in the loungeroom makes me feel strange. I can't pinpoint it, but I think it best if I get my own place for Oriel to be raised. At least until I learn more about this man and what he really is to me... I read his name is Orifiel... But there is an Ori, too... Seems I had feelings for both... I have a lot to sort out...

Lady Aurora- signing off...

2006-03-03T18:03:00.000-08:00

At least for now... I normally stay out of my hikari's blog... but she won't be using it for a while... if ever again. Her birthday was today, but her gift was less than the best... I am here regretfully to inform the readers that today my hikari, my light, Angel... She was murdered this morning. Her daughter as well. In the matter of a few minutes, we lost 2 beautiful people.

For more on the situation please see Sanura, and Zahara's blogs... I am afraid I do not know the details of her murder at this time as I was trying to help revive Oriel at the time. But as I learn them, I will post them in my own blog.

Ra.. have mercy on her. Be good to her... Hopefully her heart can finally find peace...

~Lady Aurora Phoenix~

Been a Long time...

2006-02-25T08:03:00.000-08:00

Too much time has passed since I wrote last. 3 years actually... The last thing I wrote about was my chance to get rid of Ori... Our divorce is final but he still cannot seen to leave me alone. No matter how hard I try. I close my eyes and he is there in my dream taunting me. Hurting me. It is too the point I no longer understand what is true and what isn't. Ori's words have plagued my mind for 3 years and the distance Orifiel has placed between us hasn't helped.

When Ori had killed me and I, as a spirit, met with Orifiel for what we thought was the last time, there was a passion there that could very easily spin out of control. We wanted, needed, craved each other's touch, kiss... we so wished we had the chance. Then I woke up... From the death Ori had given me I was given a chance at an immortal life. Believe me when I say that is a lot to swallow and I have never handled it the best. I have tested it on several occassions. Most of which Orifiel, Aurora and the others don't even know about. Everytime I have leapt from the balcony of my room I have landed on my feet like a cat, when I cut my wrist, it bleeds only a moment before the wound is sealed, and pills... I get sick for like an hour before my system destroys the toxins in them... Haven't attempted a gun as it would be too loud...

I didn't ask to become immortal. But if I was I always wanted to be with the one I loved forever. I thought Ori was that one at first. But it turned out though I did love him... and kind of still do... I wasn't drawn to him like I should have been. He was like my best friend. Someone I could turn to for comfort if I needed. A laugh, a hug, a smile... Orifiel... He was the one that stirred up the fire in my heart. He was the one that made my head spin , but in a good way. He still makes me feel that way when he walks into the room. Orifiel charm be damned... a spell he has cast on me and I can't touch him.... well I could, but it wouldn't do me a lick of good...

Blasted Kayura... And that damned body of Orifiel's. Why did they have to give him Krad's body? Krad's lust for her... It affects Orifiel. I know it. He tells me ha can't stand her. Yet he can't keep his hands off her when she is near. His words to her don't match his actions, its sickening, frightening... and most of all just adds more truth to Ori's words. It makes me wonder...

Ori approached me in the park the other day after 3 years. My daughter was with Aurora and Atem. She has begun asking questions about why she doesn't look like her daddy. Kind of hard to explain to a 3 year old that she used to. That her daddy was given a different body after she was created... And I know the fact that she looks like Ori bothers Orifiel. He sees his other self in her because of his body. He cares about her. But he has a distance with her as well as he does me. When Ori came to me... it was almost like old times- except he was being gental and all I wanted was to fight him. I still blame him for this. I blame him for all of this. Though I get the feeling had I reacted differently to him he would have taken me back... Who knows... maybe it would have been safer if I went back... But I could never completely love him... and everytime I saw Orifiel I would die inside... Just wanting him... No- I can't trust myself around either of them... I can't trust my heart... I can't trust myself.

I think I need to make a final choice. I know what can get rid of an immortal like me... Especially now that other memories have been stirred up. Zahara admitted to turning back time... Things ended differently then. I was never meant to have Oriel... I shouldn't have her now- but I won't give her up to Ori... He can't have her. She is better off with Orifiel, Atem, and Aurora... Maybe one day she will be able to understand why I am making the choice I am making...

I can't live with this pain anymore. And it will never go away. Even if I did try to find love somewhere else.. like with my old friend Ryo maybe- an old stage performance partner in dance and music... We used to spend a lot of time together... but I have kept my distance. I can't love anyone with this same intensity.

I never knew one could love so much it hurt...

I have to end this pain. And I know I can't have Orifiel help me - not while his body craves Kayura and he is doing nothing to find a way to change that... So I have to end it...

I will end this pain once and for all...

Please help me decide....

2006-02-18T13:29:00.000-08:00

I stand here facing Ori- I am able to finish this. I hold the dagger in my hand. I can truly end this once and for all. By taking his life... or mine.

Ori has said so many thing. Too many of them hurtful. He has slandered me and I can't help but think it is only because of his anger. I am led to believe he never truly loved me. He gave his heart to me once- meaning he did... but apparently it didn't last long. He said he was sick of me. Of my tears and fear... I can not help what happened back then. And I never knew how he felt...

But I guess I do now.

But Orifiel... I don't know how to feel about him. I love him- but now I have to wonder if he was being truthful when he said he loved me. Ori swears Orifiel is just toying with me. That now that Orifiel has a new heart he will choose to give it to another and not me.

Orifiel says that I give him a reason to wake up in the morning. But Ori claims he is just saying these things to gain my trust so that when he does decide to ask me to marry him I will say yes. He claims that I will tire of having to "please" him every night. That should I try, it could get painful... But he never really explained what he meant by that... I am afraid to know. I remember the last time Orifiel had me... I had been unwilling. Ori remembers me clinging and crying to him when it was all over. I remember that as well. But Orifiel has been so kind since then... I don't know. I am truly lost and confused.

I created this problem by choosing Orifiel over Ori. I am the one who should end it. Ori wants me to take his life... But if Orifiel isn't true... then I would rather take my own then live with the guilt of what I have done...

There is a spell I could do to see... But I don't think Orifiel would enjoy it if it worked... he would be bound to me as I was to Ori... but if he truly loves me it shouldn't matter... If he doesn't... Then I will know my answer...

"Lover mine
If ye be true
Then let my kiss
Bind me to you.

If love is fake
Then crush your heart
Make is so we're
Forever apart ..."

Orifiel... The choice is yours. My decision- my fate lies in your hands right now. I need you to be honest with me. I need toknow the truth. Is your love real or fake? I can't help but wonder if you don't want me to listen to Ori because his words are true or not. I NEED to know your true heart. And I need to know now.

Here By Me/Broken

2006-02-14T17:38:00.000-08:00

I am a sucker for romance...

As for what is going on with me...
I am resting after being attacked by Ori. He ... I think I need to rewind...

Aurora had me perform at the Masked party. I sang a few songs that held a few different meanings. I knew who my heart wanted. Who I longed for. I knew he was around. I only hoped my message got through to him. I could barely remain standing after the songs I sang and there was no way I could face Ori. So I fled. Sanura found me and tried to get me to talk to her. Then there were fireworks...
I read the hidden message in them. It was just the kind of thing Orifiel would do too... The colors went up in a certain pattern. The first letter of each spelling out the question: "Will You Marry Me?"

I knew he had asked Vanessa. I felt as though I had died. I never even learned of her answer. Never got the chance to leave to find out either. We were attacked. I fled to the woods hoping to escape and found myself face to face with Kayura. She tried not to hurt me. She knew of my condition. But her efforts were compromised by a new guy...

Somehow I ended up back where I started, only this time Orifiel was there with Vanessa. He looked at me as if he was staring at a ghost... Which- he may have been thinking he was... The last tiem he saw me I was nothing more than a spirit who had come to say goodbye...

Anyway, they handed me over to him and the next thing I know Kayura transports us back to the guy Krad's room... I hated that place, but there was a form of comfort there with Orifiel. We spoke about a few things. I said only enough to let him know I was not happy with the situation I was in. He decided to help me find a spell to break the binding spell Ori unleashed when he killed me.

In the process, I did find it... But then Orifiel grew .. mean- I think... He told me that when he looked in my eyes he saw Vanessa. He didn't love me. Didn't want me... So I closed the book. There was no need to put myself through anything un-needed if my feelings weren't returned... But as I tried to leave teh room I was captured. Orifiel and I spoke through our mind link- he had no idea I was being taken away- at least not then... He asked if I had the chance to end my marriage if I would. I said yes, I could no longer be the wife Ori deserved. I could no longer even pretend to have the same feelings for him as I did Orifiel. But I also told him I couldn't do anything while being held captive by his lackeys...

He appeared then and regained control of the situation... for a little while. He had Ryuji bring a lawyer, who started divorce papers. Then He had Akito go for Ori. Kayura came with them. Ori and I fought. He claimed I had been unfaithful to him. That everything we had was a lie. He wouldn't listen to me when I tried to tell him he was wrong. I never once was unfaithful to him. Since he and Orifiel had split, I never slept with Orifiel... never even kissed him. At least not while I was alive I didn't kiss him... either way- I was faithful. I stayed true to him even though I longed for another.

But that didn't matter to him. He had only one thing on his mind after he signed the papers... Till Death Do We Part... He attacked me, striking me, punching me trying to take both me and the child I carried again. Then he began to strangle me. Aurora showed up then and Orifiel gave her the spell book that I had been looking at. He tried to get through a forcefield that 2 other people had put up in an effort to keep him away from me. I heard him calling for me...

Something inside me began to burn... I could see this silver cord between Ori and me - the one from a vision I had earlier. As Aurora called out the spell, the burning grew- I was fastly losing air. I placed my hands on his chest trying to push him away. Suddenly I felt this explosion form my palms and he was forced back from me. I watched as the cord severed between us and then all went black... I tried to tell him I hadn't meant for this to happen... but again he didn't believe me.

When I came to I was in Orifiel's arms. He had this odd look in his eyes. I say odd because he actually looked like he was truly scared for me. He said that now that the papers were signed, as soon as they were filed, he and I could finally be together... This is odd to hear after what he told me earlier. So I asked him about it. About whether or not he saw Vanessa in my eyes. He told me he had been lying when he said that. He said he needed to lie to keep me away once again. That as long as I was legally Ori's he couldn't have me and he needed me to stay away. Ori doesn't realize that. Nor would he believe it. Once again- Orifiel had hurt me only to make me stay away from him so he couldn't be tempted... But when he admitted it had been a lie...

He pulled me tighter against him, careful of the damage my body may have suffered at Ori's hands. A part of him knew what Ori was capable of and only wanted me to stay away to protect me. He said he always knew Ori had it in him to be this way- he was actually surprised to see it come out though... I worry. Ori's rage makes him stronger. I feel alive when I am with Orifiel. I feel.. safe...

Orifiel sent Ryuji to bring Dorian. But the time Dorian got there my wounds were healing. There are some good points to being an immortal... The baby seems to be okay as well. I do have to be careful, but Dorian said that all babies should have the strength that Orifiel has in his DNA. So far this little one has been through so much... And she is still hanging on.

Orifiel and I can't stay here though. His cover has been blown. Akito (one of the guys that tried to capture me) knows that Orifiel isn't Krad. And Kayura's cover was blown as well. I don't know what will be done with her. I wish I could help her... But Orifiel and I have to go... It isn't safe for me here. We are both enemies, but Ori is here still somewhere as well... When I woke, I learned the 2 that had kept Orifiel away from me took Ori away to meet this "Higher Power". Ra only knows what he will offer Ori for his services... All I know is that if I don't learn some kind of defense... and soon... my immortal life will come to a VERY sudden end...

I want to be able to move about on my own. I liked my walks along the beach, and through the park. But as long as Ori remains a threat, I fear I have lost that ability. Someone will always have to accompany me, no matter where I go. He has made me a caged bird. But I want to fly agian. I thought I loved Ori still somewhere in my heart. I know I did once... That was what made my decision so hard. And part of me is certain had I chosen differently, I would have been safe. But I couldn't stay with him. Not while my heart pined away for another. Eventually he would have realized it. Eventually he would have also realized that I was still expecting.. and then he would soon realize that Orifiel's child was the one that had lived. He grew even angerier when he learned I had not told him I was expecting twins.

I know I made the right decision. Orifiel will be there for me. He will keep me safe when he can- but I will still make some kind of attempt to learn some form of defense to protect my daughter and myself. I just hope I can survive my decision... "Till Death Do We Part...."

It' a scary vow when said to Ori... He takes it to a literal meaning... He won't stop until I am dead at his feet... But I Have no choice. I must survive...

Kissing Quiz...

2006-02-13T18:51:00.000-08:00

Your Kissing Purity Score: 37% Pure

You're not one to kiss and tell...

But word is, you kiss pretty well.

Kissing Purity Test

Lost?

2006-02-08T15:25:00.000-08:00

I am not entirely sure what is going on... I am going through some major Deja Vu...
I do know that I made a choice.
One I didn't want to make, but did anyway. Though it's true I do love both. I realize now I love one more than the other. I realize I always have, even through the harsh treatment. The rules had been set for a reason... But the rules failed to keep us distanced.

Ori killed me. He killed the one child we had together. The other child lives on. If Ori learns of the one still living... I could place both myself and the child in serious danger. Orifiel ... is keeping me safe at the moment... He is using his cover in his barrowed body to keep us hidden among the enemy. I have to wonder how long he can keep up appearances though. Vanessa will begin to wonder soon. If she hasn't already.

I swear I have been through something very similar to this once already... I don't understand why. Unless I dreamt it once. If I did- I wonder if it will end like it did in my dream. I hope not. I know I have to hurt Ori with the truth. I don't want to... and I have to take the chance that Orifiel has changed his mind. Ra I hope not. Otherwise, I am going to be making the biggest mistake of my life...

So Confused...

2006-02-03T16:06:00.000-08:00

I honestly have no idea what is going on from one minute to the next. I know that there is a binding spell that came with my immortality. In all honesty I am fighting it to remain with Orifiel right now. I don't even know if Ori has noticed we have left. Not that he could find us if he wanted to right now. Where we are is a special place that is protected by an older and stronger magic. One of the old ones...

There is a danger here that is very real. But I trust Orifiel to keep me safe. He has a way in. They think he is this Master Krad guy who had kept me here in this very room once before when I was taken along with Zahara. As long as he doesn't do anything to contradict that, he can come and go as he pleases and we can be safe. At least I hope...

You know- it is sad when I can say I am safer in the home of the enemy instead of at my own home... Which happens to be a hotel at the moment anyway. Though I do wonder what everyone is up to, I am not sure it would be wise for me to return. Not with the way things are right now. Orifiel and I both fear for my life. For the life of our unborn daughter. If Ori ever learns the truth....

But can I really remain missing for 9 months? With the binding spell coming in close, will it somehow pull me away from Orifiel? And if it does, what happens then? There are so many things that I don't understand about this Magic. I was never meant to have it, that much I know. I was born a mortal. I should have been allowed to die a mortal. But someone interferred with that. So now I have to get used o the new way of life for me as one of the lights. I haven't it in me the ability to kill. That is not me. So I don't have a trace of darkness within me, though it was a darkling that changed me. No, I don't mean Ori either.

I'm not entirely sure where Ori and Orifiel fit in with the 2 sides. I know there are lights and darks- and no I don't mean skin color, I mean the color of their soul. The lights protect others, but none more fiercely than those they love and are connected to. The dark one's... the Yami's be it may for the sake of this, protect no one- though they are assigned to someone, most always a mortal, they don't do what they should. They live for themselves and fly off in the blink of an eye. What happens happens. They are not built to love, but that doesn't mean they can't.

At first I thought Ori was a dark one. They way he went after Sanura and the way they fought... Then he changed. I thought possibly he was light. That was when I began to feel differently toward him. Then when I learned of both sides to him, I realized there was a darkness and a light within him. He was torn... half and half. But I half to wonder if a light can turn dark. I know Sanura was turned dark because of her past. But she also managed to regain her light. It is part of the reason why she and RIJ can balance each other out. But it is also why they are so volitile. He can't let go of his darkness. In Ori's case... I thought I knew which on was the dark one...

But now I am not so sure. Before he separated, I noticed a change. He began to show signs of the coldness of a darkling. But not at me... At first I thought he was just being protective and I was grateful... But now... Now it has turned into a possession. A passion worth killing for. He is willing to take Orifiel's life if he has to. The problem is, Orifiel is the one with all the power. What I don't understand is why he doesn't use it to protect himself. Is Orifiel really the light? Is Ori really the darkness...?

Orifiel and I have been alone in "his" room ever since we arrived. He has never once made a move on me. He did ask of our daughter. The passion we feel is still there. I know he wonders what it would be like for me to give willingly what he wants. He was concerned at first for the safety of the baby. But a woman can remain active until well into the last month of the pregnancy as long as there is no discomfort, and the pregnancy isn't high risk. Dorian never said it was. He told me our daughter was growing stronger than ever.

Ori... I love him. I do. I can't deny that. But I fear him. I HATE that he is trying to control me. That he is willing to take my freedom away just to keep me with him. I hate that he could kill a child in a fit of jealousy. Not just any child. I think Ra wanted to punish him for his actions... I think that is why Ori's child was the one taken away from him. He has gone from being the sweet and gentle man I knew and loved to being this .... well short of words to say... he is becoming almost psychotic. I haven't any real power. I was a mortal after all. Just like Ori when he died. In fact I believe the only reason he rose again was because of the immortal presence of Orifiel within him. That is why he has no power while Orifiel has it all.

Orifiel... I know is confused about why I want to be with him. He doesn't understand why after everything he did to me, I can still claim to love him. Except it is more than a claim. There are 2 men in my heart. Orifiel just happens to give me what I need. Freedom to make my own choices. He isn't crazy with jealousy. He isn't trying to possess me like Ori is. He doesn't want to control me. He wants me to be able to think for myself and be me.

Ori has pushed me away. And what's more, I had a strange vision earlier. Ori and I standing in a dark room. There was a silver cord stretched between us... He seemed... angry yet controlled. I felt the presence of 2 others in this room but I could not see them. One female the other male. A hand touched my shoulder and the silver cord snapped in 2. I heard Ori shout my name and saw him reach for me.

I told Orifiel about feeling as though my connection to Ori was broken, but I didn't tell him what else I saw... Ori's voice was pained. But in an instant he snapped. The silver cord was still actively moving between us. It split in 2 again and I watched as both side stretched out. One end piercing him and the other piercing the man behind me. looking behind me I saw Orifiel. This cord connected the 3 of us... And Ori saw that in this vision. It became obvious that he felt he would never be rid of his other half. The look in his eyes told me that if he couldn't have me to himself then no one would have me. He demanded I choose. I cannot. I will not.

That vision ended with me lifeless on the ground.

Now tell me I have no reason to fear. It did not say who killed me or how... Just that something didn't go as planned.

Ori, I love you. But I fear you. I need to be sure that the daughter I carry and I will be safe. I am sorry for this confusion and for the pain I am giving you. This was never my true intention, please believe me...

Orifiel, Thank you so much for your love. For the tenderness you have shown me. I love you beyond reason. I need you in my life as much as I need Ori... My heart aches without you. RIJ says the only cure was for Sanura to stab his heart... I am not asking you to do this, and I am not telling Ori this. I fear he would very much so do as RIJ suggested.

This light.... burns passionately for 2. I cannot let them go...

Vanessa... Sweet Ra, Vanessa... I am so terribly sorry. I never meant for this to happen. I never meant for you to become involved. I do hope that you are not hurt as a result. I mean physically not emotionally. I know you will be hurting emotionally and I will rightly deserve the focus of that anger. I will take my punishment. Whatever you choose to give. I am sorry I cannot let him go. I tried. He tried to keep me away.

And in the end, we realized unity is the only thing that will save us both. But we can't help but wonder for how long...

Immortal Lover

2006-01-30T16:30:00.000-08:00

Poem written by ~Lillith Lair Poetry on Deviant Art~

As the sun sets, you awaken,
And in my dreams I feel your presence,
The warmth of you washing over me,
Like a gentle wave across a sandy shore.

Drawing me from my slumber,
You whisper words only my heart can hear,
Filling me with the desire to please you,
With each word you speak, I'm wanting you more.

Your erotic images dance through my mind,
Arousing my senses with the essence of you,
Overwhelmed by the temptation of your offer,
I reach in to the darkness, touching your soul.

Drifting between the dream and reality,
I'm helpless in your powerful embrace,
I look up in to your eyes of darkness,
Empty and aching, begging to be made whole.

The kisses you bring, set my soul on fire,
You whisper to me promise of eternity,
Softly laying my head against you,
Piercing my flesh and sealing my fate.

You are the angel that fuels my passion,
Beckoning me to you when the moon is high,
Bathing me in the ecstasy of nocturnal pleasure,
The immortal lover, my eternal mate.
~LillithLairPoetry~

A New Life...

2006-01-27T16:16:00.000-08:00

But how can I possibly go on...

"I see love, I can see Passion. I feel Danger, I feel Obsession. Don't play games with the ones who love you, cause you'll hear a voice who says, I love you, I'll kill you..."

I thought the song playing was more for the games Orifiel and I were playing between each other. It was a dangerous game of love that could have destroyed us both. But now...

Now the song holds a new meaning.

As I write this, I have undergone a change. I had taken a test to prove that I was indeed expecting as I mentioned before. But I never told Ori I was expecting 2 children. Something told me to hold that information back. And part of me is glad I did. I was worn out form everything that had happened so I went to sleep. I remember dreaming. I was dreaming of a family. My family. But it included Orifiel... Ori was there... Some selfish part of me still wants them both. I can't understand it. Nor can I make that decision any more. The choice was taken from me as I will explain. I remember dreaming that I was going to tell Orifiel something important. Then I remember Ori coming up and yelling. He started a fight between Orifiel and himself. I tried to stop them. To bring them to piece. But then Ori had a weapon... and I was shot...

No.. I was stabbed.

I woke up to this horrible pain in my stomach. It was a ripping and tearing pain. Blood poured over my hands and onto the bed. I felt it rise up and son I could taste the copper tasting fluid in my mouth. I was frozen. But I looked up at Ori silently asking him why. All he would do is hold me. Hold me and tell me it was for the best. That things could be better. He said we could start over. And because the baby couldn't survive there would be nothing of Orifiel that would be a part of our family. It would just be us.

Something tells me Orifiel felt the pain of the dagger Ori used. I am not sure, but he seemed baffled. He grasped onto my dying thoughts while he was on his date with Vanessa. I tried to explain to him... He was angry, but he could not leave. I knew I could not leave without telling him how I felt about him. So my last words to him were used to tell him I loved him. My last conscious memory in that form were his words to me...

"I hope it isn't too late... But I love you, too... I really do..."

I opened my eyes to find myself lost in a sea of darkness... Orifiel's words repeating themselves over and over until I couldn't take it and I clapsed. I knew then I needed one last chance with him. I needed to see him one last time. So I took the strength I had and pulled free from my body. I watched as Ori pulled the dagger out from my body and toss it aside. I watched as he held me... kissed me... And saw my eyes looking up blankly at me. It was very eerie... I mean- no one ever dreams they will one day be looking down at their corpse... I left then and let my heart lead me to Orifiel. I found him at the theater. He shivered at my touch... But he did not turn so I had to use a little power it make him think he had to leave for a few moments. I met him outside in a darkened hall beside the room he came from. He looked at me in shock at first. Then he took a small step forward asking if it really was me. I gave a sad smile and nodded. He came to me then, grabbing me, holding me and crying. I held him in return. But I had to tell him I could not stay. I was only there to tell him I had heard him.

We both wanted to be elsewhere... doing other things. It would have been different.. had I been alive. I would have been willing. Wanting. Ra I still do... Curse this binding ritual...

I took the time I had to explain to Orifiel that Ori had killed his own child and that Orifiel's would live. I told him we would met again on Earth. That I was merely in the process of changing... I was struggling to maintain my appearance before Orifiel. I wanted him to understand. I needed him to know... I asked him to give me a name for our daughter. In the end he told me Oriel Celina. That will be our daughter's name.

Orifiel kept begging me not to go. Not to leave him. I admitted I didn't want to. I told him it was Ori's jealousy that made him do what he did... Orifiel made a comment...

"Maybe I'm the one who's jealous..."

I made him face me then. And I owned up to what I had been feeling for so long. I told him that I loved him and I would be taking that with me. He may thought himself jealous but I was selfish to think I could have both of them. To continue to want both of them after they separated. Even now... when I can't... I still want them...

He told me he loved me but he guessed we could never be. I told him he didn't have to be that way. If they hadn't separated he could have been with me. We could have been together. He said that he was thinking Ori wanted it more than he did. I admitted I felt like I was missing something when I lost him. He said that he guessed "that makes two of us..."

We looked at each other. Both longing, wanting.... He told me he wished it could be like this between us. Meaning he wanted to be with me just then. He allowed me to touch him, hold him... and even kiss him. I told him it would have been nice. He kissed me then and I willingly returned that kiss. He told me it was too bad I was with Ori... I closed my eyes... I told him that I agreed... it was too bad... My heart had made a decision... but I was unable to follow it...

Not much longer I felt myself being pulled. Ori was calling to me. It was pulling me from Orifiel and back to my body. I clung to Orifiel, not wanting to leave. He begged me to join him and Vanessa inside the movie. I knew I couldn't stay.. but I gave him that last request. He held my hand- so naturally. It was as if we were supposed to be together.

Fate can be so cruel...

In the darkness of the theatre, I gave him one last lingering kiss... then I could not remain any longer. I was ripped from him and forced back into my body.

If only I could have stayed...

But I can see it... He is trying to move on. He is going forward with Vanessa... I can't stop him. I only begged for him to be a part of his daughter's life... KNowing that I can never feel his arms around me... Knowing I should never kiss him, be held by him.. never hear that soft voice tell me that he loves me... My heart is torn. Even more so than before. I feel the pain.

RIJ spoke of this pain once. This pain in one's heart. It only ended when he gave his heart to Sanura. To Kiza before then with his original heart... Does that mean I must give mine? Do I have one left to give? And how could I choose? I couldn't. I love them both equally. There is just a passion within me the yearns for Orifiel. The side that he sets free everytime he touches me. The part that makes me want to be wild and crazy. And Ori... he is the tender side that I long for as well... They both suit me and without one I have only half. I feel empty without him. I NEED him. And I can't have him. If he still has a heart to give, he is sure to give it to Vanessa... Just to spare himself the pain that I feel now... The pain he feels. It is for the wrong reason, but to be free he would do that. Just like in order to lay complete claim to me, Ori was able to kill the one he loved. I played a game... I lost... I am his... I can never be with Orifiel...

But that doesn't stop me from wanting, needing... loving... the darker half. I am not complete without him. He...

Is no longer within my reach.. once he gives his heart- if he has one to give- It is all over... I am forever fated to watch him and her... knowing where our hearts truly did lie...

Orifiel... I love you... I ... I don't know how to let go. I just know I don't want to... I am trapped in a prison within myself... a glass prison. I see all and cannot change any of it...

How can one love 2 people with this kind of fire? And how does one control it before it takes over...?

Or do I want to let it go? And let my soul be consumed by the fire....?

"I fear I'll never be... free.... I close my eyes and feel myself fly a thousand miles away. I could take flight, but would it be right, my conscience tells me stay. I'll remain forever loyal, duty means doing the things our hearts may well regret. But in my dreams... I'll be free!"

Photo Album 2

2006-01-27T16:04:00.000-08:00

Here are some more pics... including pics of what I look like now that I.. am no longer mortal...

1. 2. 3.
4. 5.
6. 7. 8.
9. 10.
11. 12. 13. 14.
15. 16.

a fun pic:

What I looked like as a spirit...

And what I look like now...

A post explaining everything will follow... as soon as I remember more...

What Am I to do...?

2006-01-25T20:03:00.000-08:00

"Look into the mirror of your soul, love and hate are one and all. Sacrifice turns to revenge, and believe me you'll hear the voice that says... I love you, I'll kill you...."

There is only one way for me to work through this.. so I ask any reading to bear with me- this will be a long post... And I apologize now if feelings are hurt. I will state right now that I am an honorable person. I have no intention of hurting Ori. I love him more than anything. I would never give him up. No matter what others may be saying..

And yes I know what they have been saying... *sigh*
So now I have to come clean... set the record straight.My path has been decided and I must continue down that road. So .. in order to clear my head I must take each of them and speak of each on their own. I will speak my feelings for Ori first...

Ori.... Where to begin...
I know I did not know a great deal about him. He was the silent and distant type when I first met him. Though now looking back I wonder which of the 2 I met first... He said to call him Ori. So I will go with that. He hardly ever spoke. Just stayed off to himself. He was always found around the trees around the house. He liked being the mysterious one. That was what I called him at first anyway. I look back now and realize I was seeing 2 sides to him almost everytime I tured around. There was this extremely physical and perish side.. and then the mysterious stand-offish side. It was scary, yet intriguing at the same time...

He was always trying to get the attention of this woman.. Sandy... I remember because he was often given a hard time for it. One night we were hanging around and he was not quite being his pervish self. he was being quiet actually. I found it odd... And then something came over me. I don't know what- but I just went over to him, sat on his lap and gave him this hug. Then even more shocking, I kissed him before jumping and running away. I had never seen him so shocked. And I had never felt the way I was feeling either. He made me feel like I could do anything and he would enjoy it. I realized then that there was something stirring inside me... I looked at him differently. He seemed to see me differently as well. We were suddenly shy and quiet around each other. Not entirely sure why. Just assumed my shocking little act had stunned us both... I kept my distance after that for a little while. I wasn't sure what to do. I thought he was so caught up in Sandy that there would never be a chance for us.
When Atemu placed me in that game and I won the date with Ori, I thought my world had stopped. I mean... Alone, most to all the day with a guy I stunned. A guy who by then had made his perv side known. A guy who had seemed to turn his attention from Sandy to Sanura... But I went. He had Riza then. I admired him for his ability to be a father to her. He changed so much once he adotped her. He was no longer angry and cold. He smiled. He had such a beautiful smile. I was able to learn only a little of him that day. But the more I learned the more I found myself attracted to him. So when he asked me to be Riza's mother I was glad to accept. I had seen enough of him to know he wasn't as bad as I first thought and I felt attracted to him. It may not have been love at first... but it was definitely attraction.
He was sweet, and kind. He never once made a lustful move on me. Not like I had expected. I respected him more for that to. I felt safe and warm with him. Content. Loved. Cared for. Comfortable. He was easy to be around. Even now, there are things he enjoys that I do. Poetry for one. At least he can understand it anyway. He and I seem to relate on intectual levels. Basically we can talk to each other when we are spending time together. And best of all- we could just relax against each other in the since and not say a word and yet enjoy each other's company. He is the guy you want to take home to your parents... If you.. HAD.. parents that is... He takes responsibilty. He feels guilt. he acts almost human if you didn't know any better.

Then there is Orifiel....
The typical bad guy a girl goes out with to spite their parents. The wild guy who ... does what he wants when he wants.... I have a feeling he was always around... just sometimes it was evident while others it wasn't. See there was a time in which Sanura said Sandy's sister had seen Ori with another girl... I would almost place money on it that the guy she saw was really Orifiel... Then there was the night he followed Sapphira... He and Sanura got into a fight on the beach that night. They fought a lot. He pinned her down and ... did... things to her short of the actual deed itself... RIJ was beyond pissed... Orifiel was the true Perv of the 2 of them.
I was never truly aware of him until after the wedding. But Ori now tells me that Orifiel was there through out the wedding. They kept switching. Ori said the vows. But Orifiel slipped the ring on my finger. Orifiel seal the wedding vows with the first kiss as husband and wife. Orifiel was with me during the reception. He cut the cake with me- shared every kiss we were forced to give that night. He is the one who took the garter off my leg and tossed it into the crowd of single men... He was the one who I... went to bed with that night...

He then demanded I never touch him. Never ask him questions. He said things to me... that this was who he was and if I couldn't handle it then I should leave. He would take over to ... teach me a lesson if I got too close. Like the night Ori was having a nightmare. I hadn't realized until it was too late that he was fighting with Orifiel... I tried to wake him. The next thing I know I am pinned to the bed and he... .......

But then things started to change. Starting the day we went swimsuit shopping... he could have easily taken over and done... whatever it was he would have wanted to do. But he didn't. He even said he wouldn't hurt me as long as I followed his rules.

But I have been through all that... Basically a softer side started to show. He was always appearing to keep me safe. Whenever Ori could not, Orifiel was there to do what was needed. He told me he needed me to keep my distance. To not touch him - all for a reason. He told me all this after I told him I thought I may have been doing more than accepting him. That I may have been falling for him.

That first night I was beaten by Julian... he was hurt. He thought I wanted that and that I wanted him to see that... Meaning I don't care how many times he denies it now- something deep down inside him cared more than he was willing to admit. A part of me was glad to have had both of them. I still want them both... but I have to make a choice.

I have to make a choice because they are now in separate bodies. Things can't be like the way they once were... I married Ori. I will be with him. But that doesn't stop my heart from wanting. Orifiel tempts me in a magical way. It is all I can do to keep my distance when near him. I have seen it in his eyes when he tries to threaten me now. They aren't cold. They are pleading. He isn't just ordering me away- he is pleading with me before he does something that can never be change.

So I set him up with Vanessa. I thought it would be best for us. There is too much temptation when we are alone. So I am making it so we both have someone. The problem is I can't stand seeing him with her. With anyone... He was mine once... It is had to just let him go. To watch him fawn over another. To know he would do so on purpose in front of me just so I would KNOW. But who does he tease the most in doing this? Who is he fooling? There are feelings we are both trying to deny...

I was wrong. This didn't help me. I am still confused and torn. I am still jealous and bitter. And to top it off, I learn that I really AM expecting. I have been told it is just going to be one... but both Ori and Orifiel are the fathers to the child... Ori REALLY isn't liking that idea one bit... And Orifiel is in denial... Vanessa doesn't know... She says she is okay that Orifiel and I have a mind link... Ori doesn't know... he wouldn't like it if he found out either... But if she learns that Orifiel is part the father of the child I am expecting... what will she do? How will she act? I can count on Orifiel not being around much I guess...

Then again- he also helped me once he sobered up and realized how much pain I was in ... How can he claim to hate me when everything he does contradicts him?

We are playing a very dangerous game, he and I. We are trying to deny what is there. We are trying to cover it up. There is a passion between us that has the potential to destroy us. I see the love, I see the passion. But it is locked away. It has to be. It MUST remain locked away... We can never give in. It is our own death sentence if we do. Ori will kill him. But the betrayal will kill me. This is a game I MUST win. So I have to be strong. I can't toy with Ori. I care too much to hurt him. I do love him.

I just *sighs* I love Orifiel too... So I am torn.

Yes.. I am still confused. How can he pretend there is nothing there? How can he walk on by and not shed a tear or glance over to acknowledge me... How can he... just how... And what is his secret...? What is his secret to pretending we never loved at all?

Artist: Faith Hill
Album: Fireflies
Title: Like We Never Loved At All

You never looked so good
As you did last night
Underneath those city lights.
There walking with your friend
Laughing at the moon
I swear you looked right through me.
But I'm still living with your goodbye
And you're just going on with your life

[chorus]
How can you just walk on by
Without one tear in your eye
Don't you have the slightest feelings left for me
Maybe that's just your way
Of dealing with the pain
Forgetting everything between our rise and fall
Like we never loved at all

You, I hear you're doing fine
Seems like you're doing well,
As far as I can tell.
Time is leaving us behind
Another week has passed
And still I haven't laughed yet
So tell me what your secret is
To letting go like you did, like you did

[chorus]

Did you forget the magic
Did you forget the passion
Did you ever miss me
Ever long to kiss me

[chorus]

You, you never looked so good

If Only...

2006-01-24T05:10:00.000-08:00

I love Ori with all my heart. I loved him just as he was. Now he has gone and separated himself from Orifiel... He says it was for the best.. and most likely that is true... I just have no idea how things will be now. If only Orifiel hadn't left. If only we hadn't fought so much... If only he had believed me when I told him...

No. It's for the best. I need to just concentrate on Ori right now... and staying alive...

Seeing Light once again...

2006-01-13T19:21:00.000-08:00

I think I learned something over the passed few days. That as much as I thought I could trust the darker half with my life... he is too perverted to know when I am in real danger... I guess I should back track a little. Ori is sleeping so I have some time...

I mentioned about the ghosts returning and then that I had revealed to Orifiel that I thought I was developing feelings for him. He admitted he thought he was falling for me as well. Taking a gander at Ori's blog I saw that Orifiel had posted in the time he had control of Ori's body. He said that if Ori found out about his feelings that not only would he be angry, but he would find himself very limited on what he could and could not do. I had not realized that Ori had the power to do something like that. I was always led to believe that Orifiel was the stronger of the 2. Maybe I am wrong. Then again... I saw Orifiel when I was kidnapped the first time. When I came to Ori was there... So who actually saved me I am not sure now.

Yes I said first time when I mentioned being kidnapped. I will explain a little more on that later... See while at Ori's home after Orifiel and I had that talk... I went to the bedroom looking to take a nap. I found this.. rather... barely there nightgown. I liked it... Red silk, slits up to my hips on both sides and cut really low in the front... Because Orifiel was still around and not Ori I thought I would go down and see if I could at least say goodnight. Orifiel turned around and I thought he was going to fall over. Apparently he liked what he saw a little too much...

He did eventually leave the room and I returned to the bedroom. I was half asleep when I thought I heard the window open. I just figured maybe Ori had come back and was coming to bed. Ra was I wrong... and in the worst way. I woke instantly when a cloth soaked in chloroform was pressed against my mouth and nose. I tried not to breathe as I struggled. The lamp is still broken from that fight actually... The man.. he pinned me down and eventually I thought my lungs would burst with the lack of oxygen. I had no choice but to breathe; and then...

nothing but darkness...

When I opened my eyes again I was in this.. warehouse-looking place. I was still only in this nightgown and I was cold. My captors where in the room. A guy with long, white hair and a girl with darker hair. She was pretty.. he was scary... And my life was being held in his hand at the moment. I was grateful for the blanket the woman gave me... but far from safe. I needed out. So as soon as they left I tried all my mental links... No one responded. I didn't expect Orifiel to. But Not even Aurora responded to my call. The only thing I can figure is somewhere in the distance there was some sort of magic that prevented it. *shrugs* It's possible...

I saw Miranda then... She too was captured and had managed to get out. She came back for me and helped me to get through the window in my room. Unfortunately we didn't get far. We had the woman who called herself Jade ahead of us... And Julian.. the white haired guy, behind us. We were trapped. I let my thoughts run free and amazingly Orifiel answered me. I gave him the best description I could while being chased down. He told me he was on his way... I heard Miranda scream once before she died. I watched her body fly over mine and land a short distance away. Then I was grabbed by my hair. I turned and scratched Julina and he threw me hard against the wall of the building. I saw stars. My body screamed for it all to stop. I had nothing to protect my skin from teh harsh ground. I could feel the side of my face swelling from the hit I took from the wall. I was grabbed again and this time Julian made it obvious he wanted more than to just kill me. I fought as hard as I could but he had that special wire that Alexander's assassins use. My arms were bruised and torn up by the wire, my wrists cut even.

Somehow I got away and just kept running. But again I went down- this time on the beach. Orifiel was closer then. I struggled with Julian trying to get away. Orifiel just stood there... First he stared then he looked away. He said that at least he had the decency to have his affairs when I couldn't see them, he said I was something to call him out just to watch mine. I froze and it gave Julian the time he needed to lash my hands together. But then I became furious. I was fighting for my life and he thought I ENJOYED that!! I still get furious when I think about it. If he wanted me to hate him... I think he managed to succeed right then.

The one to help me keep my arms was Malik believe it or not. He took out Jade and told Orifiel how to get rid of the wire around me. Even gave Orifiel the dagger to do it. The last thing I saw before I lost consiousness.... Malik looking over me as he cut the wire from my wrists.

When I came to Malik was gone. Orifiel was sitting near me- there was blood all over him. He had this distant look on his face. He gave me the option to return to my home with Aurora and Atem or to go back to his. I should have said home. Should have. But I didn't want Aurora to see me the way I was. I was unrecognizeable. So I told him his home. He teleported us there to save time and then rested me on the couch. He even put a blanket over me. But he was still distant. I wanted warm loving arms around me.. someone to tell me everything would be okay and that they loved me. I knew Orifiel wouldn't do that for me. So I coldly asked him to give Ori back to me. He complied without a fight.

Ori... He looked scared when he saw me... Like he was afraid he had done it... or Orifiel had. But he did hold me. We slept for a little while and then I woke. I wanted out of the nightgown. So I slipped away which was extremely painful. I carefully showered and found some baggy and loose clothes to wear. Ran a come through my hair which was still tinged with blood from my hit on the wall. One eye was black and swollen shut. That whole side of my face was a solid bruise. My lip was split and swollen. I didn't look like me at all... and all my makeup was at home. I was good at covering up brusies from a fight.. had to do it plenty of times. But nothing this bad. And unlike Aurora, Ori and the others... I am a mortal. I don't heal like they do. It would have taken weeks... months to heal properly. I admit I lost it and threw the mirror, shattering it.

I don't think I have ever cried so hard in my life. I don't remember anything else until I heard the door being broken down. I thought we were under attack again and grabbed a piece of the mirror after screaming and then moved to the farthest corner in the room. I couldn't go through much worse...

Turns out it was Zahara. She found Ori's home and had come to check on me. Ori hadn't thought to let her in so, concerned, she entered on her own. I refused to let them see my face when they came into the bedroom. But I did drop the glass shard form the mirror. Zahara tried to approach me. She saw what was left of the nightgown and immediately thought Ori had done this to me. He didn't deny it... because he wasn't so sure he hadn't done it. It was only when I assured him he ... and Orifiel... hadn't done it to me that he came near and first took my hand.

Not much of what had been done to me could be seen through the baggy jeans and long sleeved shirt, and my hair covered my face like a curtain. Well what I didn't have buried in Ori's chest when he said he would always think I was beautiful and that the bruises meant nothing to him. He conviced me to let Zahara take a look to see if she could help me. The shock, fear, and confusion in her eyes said so much. But she leaned forward and kissed my forehead. It was her healing kiss. I felt her power run through me. The only thing that could not be completely healed by her magic were the bruised muscles... but I looked like me again. She left not long after and Ori and I were alone.

He told me again he would always think me beautiful no matter what... He kissed me... And I returned the kiss only meaning it for more. I needed more. I needed him. I needed Ori's arms around me to erase Orifiel's. Ori's lips to br free of the memory of Orifiel's. To hear Ori whisper my name. To be so close to Ori it was as if we were one person. To be lost in his eyes. I needed to be wrapped into safe protective circle of his arms.

And he was more than willing to give me all of that and more.

I made up my mind tonight.

I will never call for Orifiel again.

If he thinks I wanted what happened to happen to me... I don't want him around me. I will lash back if he takes over to stake his claim on me, too. I don't care anymore that he thought he may be falling for me. Or that I may have been falling for him. I have Ori and he is all I need. Orifiel wanted me to hate him. Well... He got his wish... It's a messed up kind of hate... but I do hate him. I will never speak his name again. Not after this. He is the Dark One. Dark Ori. Ori's other half... Or he is the Nameless one.

I am content to live my life with Ori in peace. His home is nice enough. We could just stay here. If things are still dangerous over at Aurora and Atem's house. I shall watch her blogs for updates and then I will know when it is safe to return. Until then... I am staying put. With my husband. Safe, and protected...

Helplessly, Hopelessly

2006-01-12T09:54:00.000-08:00

I can stand with the weight of the world
On my shoulders
I can fight with the toughest of the tough
I can laugh in the face
Of all my insecurities
Anytime, anywhere, anything
I'm strong enough

But when you're holding me like this
I'm carelessly lost in your touch
I'm completely defenseless
Baby, it's almost too much
I'm helplessly, hopelessly, recklessly
Falling in love

So let consequence do what it will to us
I don't care
Let the stars stand as witness to it all
Say the word and tonight I will follow you anywhere
I just can't pretend anymore
I'm too sturdy to fall

'Cause when you're holding me like this
I'm carelessly lost in your touch
I'm completely defenseless
Baby, it's almost too much
I'm helplessly, hopelessly, recklessly
Falling in love

I am not afraid
I am not afraid.....

'Cause when you're holding me like this
I'm carelessly lost in your touch
I'm completely defenseless
Baby, it's almost too much
I'm helplessly, hopelessly, recklessly
Falling...
(Helplessly, hopelessly, recklessly)
I'm helplessly, hopelessly, recklessly
Falling in love

((song by Jessica Andrews))

A more clearer post to follow later...

Frustration...

2006-01-11T16:38:00.000-08:00

You know.. trying to get through to Orifiel is like bashing your head agsint a wall... To this very moment I still am not completely understanding what is so hard for him to just LISTEN to what I am saying and accept it.

I have known for a little while now that things were different. Things had change between Orifiel and myself. He and ORi are 2 very good guys for a woman... in their own ways.

Ori is the sweet romantic. The type of guy every woman wants to know and be with. He easily flatters the woman he is with and showers them with loving affection. Gifts aren't needed, but he makes an effort to give them anyway. Not sure if he thinks he has to buy the love of the one he is with, but he does not have to with me. His kind words and tender touch are all I have ever needed. The way he looks at me... He doesn't have to say the words for me to know he loves me...

He does have a huge fear of ghosts that sends him... well... running... in a sense. He flips out and kind of forgets that there may be someone who needs him. He is strong when it counts though which makes up for that.

And then there is Orifiel. The ultimate player of women. He has had many I am certain, for he knows too much to not have. His words... are almost always set up and used for the purpose of some pervish remark. I swear if he and Malik went head to head in a perv contest, it would be an even match... But Orifiel has that mysterious side that attracts a person. Draws them in to the enigma that is his soul. He has moments when he is quiet and those are the moments that I tend to want to capture. He was strong when Ori could not. He kept me safe when Ori could not.

I won't deny he hurt me. He did things to me that never should have been done. Ori always asks me if Orifiel has hurt me when they switch back into place and he learns his darker side was out to play. He fears what Orifiel will do. I fear it too. But I tend to not want to let him know that. I can't let him know that I do still fear him. He is 10 times stronger physically than I will ever be. He could snap me in half. He could easily do more damage to me than he has. He has forced himself on me and he could do so again. I admit, I don't much like that about him.

But try as I might, I can't find it in my heart to hate him anymore. Believe me I have tried. but I can't. He thinks I am confused because of everything that has happened. He thinks I am not in my right mind. But I am not. I am sane. I am in control of what I am thinking. And I finally told him.

But I fear it may have been a mistake to. Now he is purposely trying to get me to hate him again- even by threatening to ruin Zahara and Sanura's marriages. I can't let him do that. I just can't. But I can't just roll over and let him win either. There had to be a reason he was so desperate for me to hate him. So I took a chance. He wanted to knw why I didn't hate him. I wanted to know why it was so important to him that I did. So I answered. Under the condition he told me he reason.

I truly fear that I may be falling for the darker half and I am afraid of what that would do. I love Ori. I do. And I don't want to hurt him. But I think I may love Orifiel as well... Could that really be so wrong though. They are 2 people inside one body. The romantic that every girl loves. The dark mysterious one that every girl craves. I have them both in one body. I married both of them when I married Ori. So why should I not be allowed to love both?

He said he wanted me to hate him because he felt he was falling for me as well. He said Ori would be angry and feel that Orifiel was trying to take me away. But he isn't trying to take me away. He is trying to keep me away.

But I am not so sure I want to be pushed away.

I don't know how to manage this. I know I shouldn't fall for Orifiel... But he is just as much mine as Ori is and I belong to both of them. Again I ask... is it really so wrong? I will never hurt Ori. I will love him completely. No matter what happens as a result of all this... But I still have to accept Orifiel. So against the Dark One's wishes....

I will accept him. And somehow... someway... Sometime... He will learn to accept me as well. I already admits to falling for me... How long can he really ignore these feelings? And what will happen if he chooses to act on them...?

He Returns....

2006-01-07T12:07:00.000-08:00

Note*
This post will push my photo album off the main viewing screen. But I have posted a direct link to that specific post over in the blog links in the navigation bar for those interested...
~~~~~

I will start by saying that I had the most amazing moment with Ori the other day. *smirks* We kicked everyone out of th elivingroom... but it was amazing. I had no idea he could be so skilled.... Okay, since I am a lady who doesn't kiss and tell- much- I will stop while I am ahead... I will only say I am truly blessed to have had him for a husband. Kind, gentle, tnder, careful.....

Okay- if I don't stop now I won't stop... there are other things to speak of today. Since I am writing in fear again- but not of whom you would think.

Ori started acting oddly again. Like he did just before Orifiel made his first acknowledged appearance to me. So by chance, I tempted the mind link I share with Ori's darker half.

He responded.

He was tired. Still gathering strength, but he was there just the same. But he didn't fight with me. There were no threats. I didn't even get reprimanded for asking him a question as I had prepared myself for. No lecture.... He seemed to just roll over and go back to sleep within Ori's mind. But I needed to rach him again. Ori was acting like he was in true frea and I could not understand. I took him to our room and it got worse. he kept speaking of relfections in mirrors... the only person in the room able to show a reflection is me... But he was seeing several forms, spirits, ghosts... call them what you will. Kiza was one of them. But he did not see her in a healed form. He saw her all torn up and scarred form the night that took her life. He had never seen her that way before. I could not see her at all. I spent my time trying to calm him and finally realized I could not do so alone. So I called out to Orifiel through our link. He was confused at first, but my words must have triggered something. One minute Ori was holding me out of fear and the next, the hold changed. It was almost.. protective. Then I was pushed away. Not far, but enough so Orifiel could look around. I could tell the sight bothered him as well.

Suddenly he pulled me close and ordered me not to move. Apparrently he could see the spirit of an angry woman behind me... a couple of them. He said they wanted vengeance. I could not understand. He described one as a woman with a stab wound. I know I didn't stab anyone... I am not sure about Orifiel though... I remember RIJ stabbing a woman here once. I woman named Oriana. He had done so in an attempt to protect Sanura while telling her he loved her. The other one... Orifiel said sounded like a full body burn. I have never witnessed that. But I remember stories of Zahara... Trying to keep Bakura before they were married... RIJ had pulled Rebecca into the whole thing in an effort to get Bakura away from Zahara. Zahara blew up the car Rebecca was in... That is the closest thing to a full body burn I can think of. But both deal with RIJ, Sanura, or Zahara. Not Ori, Orifiel, or myself... I had not done anything that I was aware of.

He said something that was typical of him... yet not so typical. He was very concerned. He told me that as much as he would love to me 'alone' with me, he felt it better to be with the others. He held me tighter and asked me to close my eyes. Yes.. it was not an order. He actually asked me to. And I did. I rested my life in his hands, something I never thought I could ever bring myself to do. The next thing I knew we were back in the livingroom with my yami and the others. Aurora was surprised. Orifiel tried to cover by pretending he was shocked the teleportation had worked. Aurora pointed out to him that he had done it once before already so that was known. He merely passed it off saying it must have been a fluke. I heard RIJ call Orifiel an ametuer.

You know... I don't think RIJ truly believes Orifiel exists. I don't think he has ever been able to tell the difference, nor does he realize how destructive Orifiel could be if unleashed to his full potential. Which even Ori admitted Orifiel did not like to do. Something about his full powers .... He does not care to release them.

Anyway- talk turned to that of movies to watch and we had all agreed to watch Bruce Almighty. We never got the chance though. Orifiel and I spoke through our link several times. He kept asking if I was alright and to let him know if I sensed or saw anything. At one point he said something that startled me. He said I had more common sense than anyone there in the room. I looked up at him and told him I thought he said I was a fool. He said that if fools had common sense and fall in love, then he guessed he would be a fool too.

I was shocked silent for a moment. Was he saying he loved me? Could that be why he was being so gentle all of a sudden?

Atem was putting the DVD into the player when Sanura started to join us. She hesitated and looked toward the stairway. The room suddenly felt cold. I could nt help the shudder that passed over me. Orifiel grew concerned once again. I could see Sanura speaking to someone.. or something... but I could not see who or what she was speaking to. Suddenly, he called Atem over to hold onto me while he checked in on Sanura. I guess all of RIJ's warning meant nothing to him... Which makes me wonder who Orifiel actually cares about. Me... Or Sanura. He protects me when near me... But he is always by her side at the slightest hint of trouble. I don't know... but I do know that RIJ wouldn't be happy if he saw them. I saw them look over at me. I don't know why.. but they were. RIJ started getting antsy- wanting to watch the movie. I had to distract him. So I just told him to becareful. He asked me what I meant and all I said were a few simple words. Vengeance being one of them. He was so confused, he seemed to forget about Sanura for a moment...

I want to know what is going on. I want to know why those spirits were in my room. And I want to know if I could ever sleep there again... I was told never to go anywhere alone... Okay.. so bathroom trips... I have to take someone with me there now? And when I go to change? Though that requires me actually going back into my room... *shudders at the thought*

I did something I never thought I would do tonight. I think for once I truly accepted Orifiel. I didn't shake in fear at his voice and his touch. I held onto him. I rested my life in his hands. I... I trusted him. Slowly, more and more... I feel almost as connected to him as I do Ori. Being they are one in the same person... That's a good thing right?

Or should I still fear him?

Because at this time, I think I truly need his strength. As odd as it sounds.... I think I need Orifiel right now, to protect Ori... and to feel safe.

Return to Innocence...

2006-01-05T19:16:00.000-08:00

Part of me is proud of myself for telling Ori my secret... The other part of me is scared to death and kicking myself for it. He says he loves me unconditionally. I believe that. But he also says he doesn't fear me...

That I don't believe.

There is a strong chance that I could have lost the white light within me and could be facing the real possibilty of becoming a creature of the night.Alexander's idea of a gift/curse...

I don't want this. I want to go back to being normal again. I don't have the teeth of one... I have the cravings of one which are driving me up the wall... My eyes have always been sensitive to sunlight, but never like this... I hate this... Ori will hug me... tentatively... but he freezes at the thought of kissing me. He checks his neck when he thinks I can't see him... He is afraid I will act on the cravings. I won't. I can't.

I wasn't killed. So the transformation isn't complete... It has been 3 days since the attack. Sanura told me that it shouldn't be long before I am back to normal again... But then she asked me something...

Do I want to remain immortal...?

I guess she found a way to make it so... But do I want to?

Ori told me he would give it all up for me. The whole yami/immortal thing. That he would do so in order for us to grow old together....
But what about his hikari? Violet? She still needs him around. He is her guardian... I can't take him from her. If anything- I haven't any reason to hold me back... If Sanura can make me an immortal, then that is what I want to do.. just .. without this stupid curse on top of it...

Something odd I also noticed...
Dark Ori hasn't spoken to me since that night in the forest. I don't sense him on the other side of the mind link anymore. He doesn't comment to my thoughts. It's as if he isn't there... Could Ori have finally found a way to overcome him? Is he free from that dark side that loved to terrorize me? Or will he one day return when I am least expecting it...?

I swear... as soon as I am free of this curse... I want to go with Ori on a vacation... just the 2 of us. Our honeymoon in a sense... Either that or pull him back away from everyone and keep us secluded in one side of the house so we will not be disturbed... I want to give him massages, and dance with him. I want to go out to a nice dinner... I want to give him the royal treatment... I want to do so much... But right now my curse has put a wall between us...

Aurora just came in to get me... She says there isn't much time. If I am to be rid of this curse the ritual has to be done before sunset... If I am lucky, I can go out to my favorite spot on the roof and watch the sun set peacefully, with my spirit and soul finally set free.

Maybe I can finally Return to Innocence....

Secret...

2006-01-04T19:21:00.000-08:00

I .. I have to admit I have been hiding a small secret... one I am not sure how to reveal... at least just yet...

I always wondered how my marriage would work. I mean Ori is immortal... he has been killed and returned to life as a Yami... I am a mortal. I will grow old and die while he continues to look young and never age... Now I wish I was an immortal as well...

..........

The thing is... I have felt a change... A small stirring within me.... Ever since I was attacked by that guy in the woods. See... there was something that happened just before everyone got there...

Sapphira saw it all....

I wonder what I will do. Can I tell this secret? Does it have anything to do with what I am feeling? How will my life change if it does? And... most importantly....

Can and WILL Ori still be able to accept me...?

Ra.... what will Aurora do if she finds out? She is already giving me strange looks.... Immortality....

May not be so far out of my reach after all....

Photo album

2006-01-04T06:54:00.000-08:00

Well... Not too much going on that I can really write about. I did promise pics... Well I guess it is time that this post was made. *shrugs*

Casual...
1 2 3 4

56 7 8 9
1011 12 13

141516

171819

Dressy....
20 21 22 23 24

25 26 2728

29 30 31 32

3334353637

Work ....(yes I said work....)

38

Formal....
My Wedding Dress-39
My Matron of Honor's (Sanura's Dress)-40
Bridesmaids dresses -
4142
Other formal dresses of mine...
4344 4546
4748 49

505152
535455

56575859

Swimwear...

6061 62 63

646566

Some past costumes... *blushing*

6768 69
70 7172
73 74 75
767778
7980
8182

Well... that would be me lol. The many sides of me *shy smile*

I am do for another photo shoot sometime soon.. who knows maybe I can add them to a later post... Hope you liked ^_^

At peace....

2006-01-01T17:31:00.000-08:00

It didn't start out that way...

All I did was ask Ori for a glass of water. While he was gone, I was grabbed and taken from the house. I felt myself lifted from the bed and the next thing I know I feel like I am free-falling down toward the ground.

I screamed. Then I know nothing.

I woke later to stinging pain all over my body and found I was strapped up with the same kind of wire that was found in Cayden's room. Then I saw Cayden. And Sapphira was unconcious still beside me. I heard a baby cry and looked to see Orion was being held by someone I had never seen before.

Yes I was scared.

I heard Orifiel tell me they were coming. Not long later I heard Sanura talking to the guy who had taken me. I wish I could remember more... There were harsh words, taunting, and then I felt the agony of the wires biting into my skin some more. Eventually the pain grew too much. I blacked out. I don't know what happened from there, but when I woke again- I was in the worst pain I had ever felt. I was being held not far from Ori. I guess he was Orifiel at the moment... I can't be sure. I started fighting and crying out for my life against the man holding me- but he had his teeth deep into my neck. I could feel the fiery burn of my blood being pulled from me against my will. My life flashed before my eyes; both the good and the bad. I don't know what happened. One minute I am fighting for my life, then I hear Orifiel yelling to let me go- he said my blood was his and his alone.... I have to admit I wasn't sure who scared me more when I heard that... After that though- somehow I was thrown to the side and I blacked out again. I don't know what happened or how I got home. But I did.

When i woke, Aurora, Atem, and thier friends pulled their hands from me and Aurora asked me if I was okay. I felt better- just really tired. REALLY tired... Then I looked up at Ori. Yes... this time he was really Ori. He looked tired and pale. Almost sick. I hope he wasn't hurt in the fight. I can't lose him. not now... I love him so much... He said he was just tired. I just hope that is really all it is...

Aurora left us to rest after that and I reached for Ori's hand. I noticed a difference in him then. He didn't blush. I kissed his hand. He didn't blush. Didn't get flustered. I complimented him- told him the things I wanted to tell him when I felt my life slipping from me. How much he meant to be, that kind of thing.

He still didn't blush. Just told me I didn't have to say all those nice things about him. I told him I had to. To let him know how important he was to me. All he said was thank you as my eyes started to close. I felt sleep trying to take over. I remember saying his name, and calling him 'mi amore' (My love).

He told me he loved me.

My eyes opened again and I looked at him. No trace of coldness. No evil, no taunting... ORI had been the one to say it just then. I sat up and hugged him as tightly as I could as I told him I loved him.

I don't know what happened during that fight. But something did. Ori seems.. almost changed... at least a little. But it's a good change. I like this change. I like it alot.

Now I will end this and go back to the saftey of his arms as I try to get a little more rest. The year is just starting... I hope the good start leads to more good things... I hope...

Ori doux, mon ami, ma vie, mon coeur, je t'aime avec tout le moi. Vous êtes dans mon esprit, et mon âme. Je vous adore.
(Sweet Ori, my friend, my life, my heart, I love you with all of me. You are in my spirit, and my soul. I adore you.)
~Angel~

Fear him?

2005-12-31T15:28:00.000-08:00

I am not so sure it is fear anymore... Though I won't deny he still greatly scares me. But there is something odd about him. I can't say I feel wrong as he is still technically Ori... just the other side of him. He loved it that I fear him. He felt he had all control. He reveled in it.

And I think I have learned how to take back some control...

At least for now.

Ori is the love of my life. A wonderful man who is strong, thoughtful, caring, sweet... I could go on, but if he reads this his face could probably explode from being so red. He is just so bashful. So Shy. It is almost as if who I met and who I married were 2 different people...

Maybe they are...

I don't know when Dark Ori actually decided to show himself here. I have my suspicions, but I am not sure. And I can't ask. Whenever it comes to a point where it sounds like I am about to ask a question I hear his voice in my mind asking me if we ned another talk... meaning he feels he must remind me of my place.

I wouldn't ask so many questions if he was more forthcoming about who he was, where he came from, what he has done, .. who - he has done... What was it about Riza that affected Ori so much? Could I have been wrong? Could she have been Ori's daughter? But that could only have happened if Dark Ori was with her... he knows too much to be an innocent...

He tells me that Ori needs confidence... But he also tells me that this shy side of Ori is not like him. Apparently Ori is normally more outgoing. More like the way he was when we first met and started hanging out. But Dark Ori cannot help me learn what it would take to help boost Ori's confidence. Already several days have gone by... and still ori can ahrdly do more than hold me or just hold my hand. Light kisses here and there. But if a kiss deepens and seems like it is leaning towards wanting more, he freezes on me.... Ori... Can you not stomach the thought of being with me? Does the thought of it bother you? Is there something more to this? I want so much to give you everything... I want to be your everything... I want to hear your voice tell me you love me and know that it is YOU who is telling me and not Dark Ori.. He doesn't mean it when he says it... He just uses the phrase in an attempt to sway me into his favor long enough for a little fun...

He asked me once if I trusted him...

I said I feared him there was a difference... But I was wrong.

I don't trust him completely. Dark Ori has nothing holding him back- HE coud go out and find some willing slut somewhere... Ori would be the one who suffered from it because knowing Dark Ori he woud let Ori wake up to find himself in the arms of some strange woman...

Ori feels guilt. I would greatly hurt him.

Whenever he knows DArk Ori has been out he asks if he hurt me. Ever since that one day ... Dark Ori hasn't touched me in a sexual sense. But his eyes sure spoke of his hunger... Some of the things he had said while I was swimming... While I was dressing later.... and then when Ori passed out after seeing the nightgown I was given as a gift for our wedding- Dark Ori was forced back out and he saw it...

I swear if I wanted Dark Ori I could let him have me anytime he wanted.. the problem here is while I accept him - I want his lighter self. But I don't know how to break past this wall he has set between us...

I toyed with Dark Ori a little today. Had him spooked which helped to give me strength. If he is in control he is fine... But when someone else takes it from him, he is as nervous as a child. He likes to touch- but doesn't like to BE touched. I wonder what he would have done had I actually gotten closer to him.. and touched him anyway... Either way...I wasn't serious with the come on that I did- I actually learned more about him... it's testing him to see just what he will do and how much it takes for him to get that point. Seeing where my boundaries are... I never woud have actually done anything. I just want to know how much he can take. And I think I know now.

But things are bad at home. Cayden is missing. I heard Sanura earlier screaming for Orion.. I am guessing he is gone too... There was some wire in Zahara's room. Special wire... I cut my hand pretty badly on it.

anyway... I hope they can be found...

Love the light- fear the darkness...

2005-12-28T20:01:00.000-08:00

I ... I know I only just started this thing, and that my posts... are usually happy and peppy. But not this one. Aurora was kind enough to give a heads up, but there is no possible way she could explain everything that is happening... I don't even think I can.

It is all so confusing...

And scary...

It all started just before the wedding. I thought Ori had been acting odd and I thought it had something to do with what had happened in the bathroom. Turns out I wasn't too far from the truth... RIJ said something to him. Something that sparked a dangerous turn of events that has now seemed to spiral out of control. To go back... I don't even know how far back to go- but knowing what I do- a few things now make more sense.

Ori.. in the beginning was a quiet guy. He hardly ever spoke. He spent a lot of time outside under the trees. There was this cold air about him. He and Sanura got off to a rocky start and they would fight each other. To the point that she nearly killed him once... That is- if he could be killed. I know that Sapphira had a run in with him at the beach once. But it was nothing she couldn't handle. But by then, something had been discussed concerning him, and Sanura went out after Sapphira. She and Ori fought again only his words.... He was cold, calculating, and all his commentes were sexually based. There was almost this .... sexual tension between them and I think that if RIJ hadn't been such a big part of her life, there could have been at least a sexually based relationship between them- if nothing more. But she never allowed it. His advances only made her fight back harder. It seems he likes his prey to struggle.... *looks down* I am learning more and more about the reason of why to that as well....

After she nearly killed him, he seemed to change. Sanura refused to have anything to do with him. It was better that way. Then he came home with a child. Riza. He said he felt a... connection... to her. He couldn't help but to adopt her. Then he REALLY began to change. Even Sanura was able to be around him and they eventually became friends. Something RIJ just couldn't handle. Ori was such a good guy after that. A great father to Riza, friendly, smiling, still pervish, but he showed that he had a heart. Deep down, I feel that Ori is still like that. I truly, firmly feel that way. I will always feel that way. I just wish my beliefs could help him now.

See... In times of trouble, when he is threatened or ... something- I am not exactly sure... But I remember the way he was against Kaiba. It scared me. I seriously thought he was going to crush Kaiba's skull. And I think that he could have. Would have. But something stopped him. I don't know what... But something made him stop. He seemed to be okay... Except for the incident in the hall after he was in the shower... but that was after RIJ and Sanura had their deaths faked... I still don't know just who helped them do that. Ori.... or this other side. The side I have begun to call Black or Dark Ori. This malevolent side that is distructive, cold, rough... And he goes by Ori's full name. To call him by his full name is to invite him in. And once he is in- it is hard for him to go.

And Ori could never tell me about him.

Dark Ori threatened him of a punishment if he did.

Which leads me to the next part of this story... The part where I ... I am still uncertain of alot of things and really have no one to talk to about them...

Ori had a bad reaction when the officiant called him by his full name and he seemed rather ill. I corrected the officiant and it never happened again. Ori's vows were sweet and endearing. But he was afraid to kiss me. He told me later he was afraid he would get sick all over me. I am still left wondering if it is something more. He started to sign the marriage certificate and stopped to ask if he could sign his nick-name instead. Which he did. So I married Ori. But he remembers nothing after that. None of the reception, and ... nothing after. He vaguely remembers telling me one of his secrets. He was an innocent. I know it might be hard to belive but he was. So I thought his whole nervousness was based on that. But that night...

For someone who was an innocent he didn't act like it... I was not sure where he learned what he knew- if it was by experience he wasn't telling me about or something else, but.... The next morning... He was cold and uncaring again. Quiet and yet... he still seemed to be fighting something. When I heard later after he had left that he had passed out in a bar I KNEW something was wrong. That wasn't the Ori I knew. Ori doesn't drink. Last I knew he hated alcohol. When I got to the bar to pick him up he said so many hurtful things. About how this was the person he was and he just wants to be alone. If I couldn't handle this side of him then I should leave.

I am not Sanura. I do not have her strength. How she manages to deal with the cold words that RIJ tells her time and time again is beyond me. I broke. He broke me. I shut down. I still don't know how I got from the bar to Atem's home. I don't know how Ori ended up in my room. I remember him being there though and us being shut in. He tried to tell me something but couldn't. Then he became cold again and kept telling me to leave him alone. Suddenly Sanura came in. She kept saying the he wasn't Ori. That Ori was in danger and needed me to be strong. To help him. I was so lost and confused. Then she asked him who he was. And he said he was he true Ori. The one who goes by his full name. Dark Ori.

There was a fight. Sanura was hurt when he threw her against the door. Just when I thought I reached through to Ori Dark Ori snapped as the door broke open by RIJ. Dark Ori picked up Sanura and me and jumped onto the bed. Sanura screamed for him to let him go but I was too scared. I froze, clinging to him, pleading for Ori to hear me. Dark Ori passed out not long after that and when he came to, Light Ori was in his place again. He remembered nothing of what had happened. But he felt horrible when he was reminded no doubt by his link with Sanura.

Links...

I have always had one with Sanura, Zahara, and Aurora. But then I somehow managed one with RIJ... Now there is a new one. One that scares me. It seems that while I cannot reach Ori through a link.... Dakr ri and I somehow managed to connect one. Must have been from what he had done... Or the marrage- or the night after the wedding... I thought he was Ori... I swear I did!

But now a bigger problem. Ori and I had a long talk. Well.. I did most of the talking. He is afraid to tell me much. For my safety he says...

I heard him talk in his sleep earlier. He was begging for someone not to be killed. Said he didn't tell anyone... Then it happened. Dark Ori returned. And I was alone with him at this time- the door was shut and locked. I had no where to go. He kept demanding I let him go. I kept refusing to. I still have no idea where my strength came from. But he... he... *looks away*

He shamed me... I am ashamed. He is a part of the man I love. The man I married. But I have yet to enjoy my lighter husband. It seems Dark Ori has an appetite for.... that... I couldn't fight him. I am afraid to know what he would do if I did... I truly was left feeling shamed and embarrassed. Humiliated. As if I betrayed Ori.

Ori... I wish I knew how to stop him without losing you in the process. I have to accept him as apart of you.... But... His way... and I am not sure if you can even understand what Dark Ori has done... I feel ill. I wanted to make love to YOU. Not HIM. And he... he held me down... Yet I still found a way to somehow bring you back afterwards...

Somehow... I think my anger and my pain took over. I pushed him against the wall. He told me in a warning tone not to touch him. But I held him anyway imagining I was holding my Precious and sweet Ori. I asked him if he was afraid of my touch. My embrace... My kiss...

At my kiss Ori returned to me. He was surprised and shocked. I was too happy to tell him that Dark Ori had returned. I just held him. And then my strength left me and I just felt the helplessness of a child wash over me. Everything that Dark Ori had done to me... It came flooding back and I clung to Ori, scared, hurt, torn, used.... We ended up on the floor- and he just held me trying to calm me down. I beged for him not to leave me- to trust me. He told me I was his everything. He told me then that he loved me.

He has never been able to say it to me before.

But Dark Ori has. Just before he..... *shudders at the memory*

I just wish I knew which one said it this time.

Ori is with me now. I have a hard time leaving his side. We have spent the day doing nothing but holding each other. As much as I would love to give him more- he is not ready and I know this. He will tell me when he is. Especially now that he is fighting this darker side...

After what has happened....

I am glad to just be held close to him. To feel safe in his arms. The way he holds me- so tender... It is nothing like how Dark Ori holds me. It is the only thing about him right now that allows me to know when Ori is here... and when he isn't...

Somehow I will help Ori break this curse on him... If I can. It hurts him and I want to take the pain away...

I want to be his light...

His saving grace.

His hope.

I will love him and be with him. I won't let go. I will forever stay by his side. I will accept him and love him anyway. That was my vow.

Dark Ori will just have to deal....

Because no matter how many times he breaks me... hurts me,..... does... THAT.... to me... I will never go back on my vow.

Never.

Aurora- Haitus...

2005-12-26T08:59:00.000-08:00

Hello- My name is Aurora. I am Angel's Yami. I have come here to post a small announcement.

Due to circumstances beyond our control, Angel will be unable to post for a little while. I will not go into anything here. I have my own blog for that. I am not sure what happened. But I will...

And when I find out who put her into the state she is in- Heads are going to roll...

Lady Aurora Phoenix

My Only Wish This Year.... came true ^_^!!

2005-12-25T09:34:00.000-08:00

Sanura, Zahara, Aurora and I got together to do something special for our favorite men, RIJ, Bakura, Atem, and Ori...

So I am putting it here as the men haven't seen it yet lol- It wil be in the other blogs too.

Britney Spears Lyrics
My Only Wish This Year Lyrics

Angel:
Oh yeah yeah
Last night I took a walk in the snow.
Couples holding hands, places to go.
Seems like everyone but me is in love.
Santa can you hear me?
I signed my letter that I sealed with a kiss.
I sent it off.
It just said this.
I know exactly what I want this year.
Santa can you hear me?

I want my baby

others:(baby, yeah)

Angel:
I want someone to love me
Someone to hold me.
Maybe

others:(maybe, maybe maybe.)

Angel:
He'll be all my own in a big red bow.

All:
Santa can you hear me?
I have been so good this year
And all I want is one thing.
Tell me my true love is near.
He's all I want, just for me
Underneath my Christmas tree.
I'll be waiting here.
Santa that's my only wish this year.

Aurora:
oohhh ohh yeah

Sanura:
Christmas Eve I just can't sleep.
Would I be wrong for taking a peek?
Cause I heard that your coming to town.
Santa can you hear me?

others:(yea yeah)

Zahara:
Really hope that your on your way
With something special for me in your sleigh
Ohh please make my wish come true.
Santa can you hear me.
I want my baby

others:(baby)

Sanura & Zahara:
I want someone to love me
Someone to hold me.
Maybe

others:(maybe maybe)

All:
We'll be all alone under the mistletoe.
Santa can you hear me.
I have been so good this year.
And all I want is one thing.
Tell me my true love is near.
He's all I want just for me.
Underneath my Christmas tree.
I'll be waiting here.
Santa that's my only wish this year.

Aurora& Sanura:
I hope my letter reaches you in time.

Angel: (Oh yeah)

Sanura & Zahara:
Bring me love Ican call all mine

Aurora & Angel:(yeah yeah)

Aurora: Cause I have been so good so good this year...

All:
Can't be alone under the mistletoe.
He's all want in a big red bow.
Santa can you hear me?

Zahara: (hear me?)

All:
I have been so good this year.
And all I want is one thing.
Tell me my true love is near.
He's all I want.
Just for me.
Underneath my Christmas tree.
I'll be waiting here .

Zahara & Sanura:(ohh yeah)

All:
Santa thats my only wish this year.
Oh Santa can you hear me?
Oh Santa

Angel & Sanura:
Well he's all I want just for me
Underneath my Christmas tree.

Aurora & Zahara:
Oh I'll be waiting here
Santa That's my only wish this year.

All:
Oh, Santa that's my only wish this year.

~~~~~~~

Well I guess you can say I got my wish. Ori and I are finally married. I was beginning to wonder there were so many interruptions. But I am glad. You know... There are moments he can be just as shy as a High school teenager... But I like that about him. I thought he was holding something back on me at first. Like he didn't want to actually completely go through with the wedding... now it seems that that wasn't the problem at all. He was nervous.. but for a completely different reason... All I will say on that (as it is his secret and I doubt he would want the world to know...) is who knew? I certainly didn't. But... that just makes this day that much more special...I only hope I was able to make his dreams come true...

Introduction...

2005-12-24T15:29:00.000-08:00

Hello! My name is Angel Hope. I am the hikari to Lady Aurora Pheonx which can lead to some pretty interesting events in my life. To think my life was dark and bleak before her... I used to think that the world was as black as teh night and that my world would forever be shrouded in darkness. No hope. Nothing to look forward to. Nothing... I felt I was destined to remain in the darkness. But I now know that not to be true. See- I have something to tell you. Something I should have been able to say a long time ago and never allowed myself to belive..

Until now.

My world is not just filled with darkness. I have lifted the blindfold from my eyes to see this. My thoughts.. my mind- I am no longer deluded to that way of thought. I have met so many wonderful people through Aurora. Even her wild and crazy brother in law. They all love and accept me considering what is known of me. They are... how do I put this...

They are like the clear blue sky to me. So full of life even in the face of danger and heartache. They are so dear to me- I could not let them go. I could not walk away- not even if I wanted to. They allowed me to unseal the lid that I have kept closed all this time. And they still love me.

And then there is Orifiel... Or Ori as he would rather be called. I don't know why- I have always had a hard time with calling others by a nickname. I have always been formal like that. So there are times I have to catch myself as I don't know exactly what his reaction would be if I was to call him by his full name. The last thing I would want to do is insult him in some way.

See- if you have been reading my Yami's blog- you will know that I was thrown together with Ori a while back. Not that it is a bad thing. It really isn't so bad... Considering he is the "perverted one" as he has been called. I have expected him to be all over me. Instead he has been the most perfect gentleman. I am grateful for that. He had a daughter once... Riza... I will explain what happened to her shortly.

Okay... Ori is Violet's Yami and Violet is the daughter of my friend Blue and her husband Ryou. They also have a son named Knives. Then there is Ryou's yami, Bakura who is married to Zahara. They have a set of twins, Cayden and Nakia. Cayden also has a yami. Zahara's sister Sanura. Sanura is married to Blue's Yami (and Ori's Brother) RIJ... They too have a child. A son named Orion. And now Riza... Riza was originally RIJ's daughter with a previous girlfriend, Kiza... Sanura had a previous love as well but there was no child. Zahra and Sanura have a brother, Adais. They are the children of my yami Aurora and her husband the Pharaoh Atem. Atem's brother, Atemu is married to AFG and they have a set of twins, Sora and Kairi, and at least one more child on the way. I think that is the catch up on that. As for how Ori ended up with Riza...

Kiza was murdered a few years ago but just prior she had received warning of the attack and thought to spare her daughter's life by giving her up. A couple years later, Ori is at tha mall when he runs into Riza. He feels an instant connection and decides to adopted her. That was when the search came for him to find someone to be a good mother to her as well as a partner for him. Atemu pulled a prank by getting AFG's Yami, Vanessa, Aurora's friend, Sapphira, and me together to draw straws for "Our choice of TV time..." We didn't realize it was really to win a date with Ori... I should have though... That is the kind of prankster Atemu is.

Well... I won out and the date went well- considering it ended roughly when we unwittedly got ourselves caught up between a fight between Sanura and RIJ. It ended really badly... But Sanura's, Zahara's, and Aurora's blogs all cover that... Anyway- that night... Something strange happened... I am guessing that there had always been some kind of a spark between us.. though it wasn't really obvious at first... He was pretty hung up on a woman named Sandy. But that night he turned to me and asked if I would be willing to be Riza's mother... I was shocked, but agreed. He gave his heart to me that night- and I don't mean sexual.. Believe it or not we are completely innocent in that sense. Like I said- he is a gentleman.

Not long after we were at the mall and I was attacked/assualted- whichever you want to put it... and he came to my rescue. Then afterward, proposed to me. it ended up on the news!! lol. Then there was a trip to Vegas... that was .. interesting to say the least. We met some new people. Cloud and Tifa. I have seen them at least one other time since then. Ori keeps his distance from Cloud though... Not sure- I thought Ori feared no one... but I was wrong. I dont know... it makes him seem more human.. considering he has been dead for at least 2 or 3 years... He died the same night Kiza was killed.

So much to say... And I just don't have the time to put it all down it seems tonight... Anyway- I am preparing for my wedding now. Yup- it is time. Ori is suffering from a broken arm at the moment.. courtesy of RIJ... though I feel there is more to it that I haven't been told. Sanura and RIJ... had another fight. He handed her divorce papers and she refused to sign them...

See- there is a problem between the 4 of us.

Ori and Sanura have a mindlink...

And RIJ and I have one.

There has GOT to be a way to switch things around. It is her mindlink with Ori that causes so much more trouble for Sanura. She is a sorceress... Aurora has been teaching me... Perhaps we can come up with something to either switch the links or get rid of them completely.

Trust me... Sharing RIJ's mind with mine is NOT my idea of fun...

Well, the officiant is calling for everyone so we can finally get this going. Sanura is gone. Riza is gone now as well. RIJ took her to be with him. Though why I am not entirely sure. But Riza wanted to know who her father was... So I kept my word and told her while Ori was unconsious. Poor guy. I feel for him. he was really attached to her. I just hope everything works out.